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#50251 - 12/08/17 01:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The Government today announced that itís changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the governmentís political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while youíre actually being screwed.
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50252 - 12/08/17 01:20 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Open letter to the woman who accidentally walked into the menís room:

Please donít feel bad. It wasnít you entering the menís washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Itís rare for us guys to ever hit what weíre aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so Iíll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that menís penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manages to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. Iím telling Ďya those little buggers canít be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. Iím no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys donít usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think Iím a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because itís a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. Itís the dreaded ďmorning woodĒ.

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you canít get that thing to bend, and if it donít bend you canít aim, well hell, if you canít aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigginí toilet seat wonít stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when youíre newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, itís just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her ... look, it wonít bend. She said, ďsit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.Ē OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with ďmorning woodĒ.

Well itís is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but itís the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Itís not our fault, itís just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature, ... there wouldnít have been a problem!!!
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50255 - 12/09/17 05:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Such sound reasoning! laugh laugh laugh
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#50258 - 12/10/17 12:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Trumby
The Government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.


Splendid idea! But just to be a little patriotic, how about a red, white, and blue condom with stars for states?

-carl


Edited by Carl Theile (12/10/17 12:23 PM)
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#50260 - 12/10/17 02:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.

After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax at least once in a while.

To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere on the Burin Peninsula.

The Vet didnít have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

The couple hired a strong young man from Port Aux Basques to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

ďAnd that, me son, is how ya waves a fockiní towel!Ē
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50261 - 12/10/17 02:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassadorís wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle, ďYour husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years. How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?Ē

ďA penis,Ē replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.

Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, ďMa cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ďappinessĒ!!!!
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50265 - 12/12/17 12:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
OOPS! laugh laugh
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#50268 - 12/12/17 02:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
ADVICE FROM RON, A RETIRED HUSBAND...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and thereís nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I donít yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch each day in the Menís Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I Ďm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, itís not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they wonít clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take Ďem for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she wonít have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldnít hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is s one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. Iím a fair man ... I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. Iím not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITORíS NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder...

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A hole in one, so to speak!!
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50271 - 12/12/17 05:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Sometimes you just have to tread lightly. laugh laugh laugh
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