Giggles

Posted by: RobStanley

Giggles - 11/30/12 01:27 AM

Let's start a thread full of jokes. Try to keep em clean (ish) laugh

Ok...

A font walks into a bar and the barman says "We don't serve your type here".
Posted by: Need2Know

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 01:35 AM

A handful of guys visit a revamped Web site in hopes of comradery, ask for new and more designs of knives they would love to own, beg for a shirt to cover their nakedness and promote a brand they respect, request contests to give hope their posts do not land on deaf ears...but alas, "no joy" from the "top"....oh...wait...

This is no joke at all.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 09:22 AM

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?


Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 03:11 PM

Three Aussie's were working on a cattle station - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off his horse, lands head first into a stump and is killed instantly.
After the flying doctor takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his missus."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of XXXX beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's missus gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of XXXX you are'."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 05:56 PM

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then HID down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them.
I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…it took a step away.
I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt.
A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer– no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.
As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison.
I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.
At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go.
A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.
I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse -strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.
In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.
I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 05:57 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 06:07 PM

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger
fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
And you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 06:13 PM

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 07:14 PM

I love these guys. Keeps a smile on my face. Keep it going.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 08:01 PM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says what's with the steering wheel?...............................pirate says RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR It's driving me nuts.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 08:12 PM

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly German Shepherd along for the trip.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 08:21 PM

WIT AND WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL and others
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S.Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit t he ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons"
- General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be first, don't ever be last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... Once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you ."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base - Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you! always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/30/12 08:46 PM

A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind."

The rope walks out, twists himself up, and tousles his end. He walks back into the bar and sits down, asking again for a drink.

"Say, aren't you that same piece of rope I just threw outta here?" the bartender snarled.

"Nope," said the rope, "I'm a frayed knot."
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 12/01/12 07:36 AM

For a while Houdini used to use trap doors in all of his acts. It was a stage he was going through.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/01/12 03:28 PM

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/01/12 06:14 PM

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 12/01/12 10:34 PM

[h=5]The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?' Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?' Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Compensation'
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Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 07:39 AM

Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself.
Posted by: Neus

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 04:18 PM

Now this is a FUN thread... Laughing my butt off!
LOVVL

Great idea Rob!!!!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 09:37 PM

Originally Posted By: Neus;12770
Now this is a FUN thread... Laughing my butt off!
LOVVL

Great idea Rob!!!!


I'm with you, Neus, Rob had a great notion and we got some great jokes.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 10:07 PM

Just as long as WE aren't the jokes around here!cool
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 10:12 PM

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.

# 1. YOU CAN GET A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 10:23 PM

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then
a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, discharged, and shot him in the
genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.


'Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you are going to be all right. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'


'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.


'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'


'Oh, well, I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 10:29 PM

Think about this:


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 10:39 PM

These notes are from Frank, who was visiting Texas from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t faced from all of the beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped *** and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- [No comment]
Posted by: PatrickKnight

Re: Giggles - 12/02/12 10:44 PM

I love my home state. I swear no one does chili better.
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 12:54 AM

Check this one out! It's a cracker!

Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 03:19 AM

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 11:36 AM

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 11:37 AM

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 11:39 AM

There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".

So, the servant did as the captain said.

After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt"?

The captain said, "Well if i get shot they won't see the blood.

The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."

The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 11:42 AM

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 11:43 AM

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 11:45 AM

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 11:48 AM

After dying a grisly death in a fire fight, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 04:06 PM

This is no joke-
I am truly ROFL ...with tears in my eyes.....
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 04:25 PM

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure thatcourse of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I hadprepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitelygoing to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next dayboth of your *** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson'sMovement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through myintestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, Ibravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I oftenhaunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart andbegan pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I wasat the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'mreferring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at thewrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take onestep in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in anoxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I wasafraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and Ibegan to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turnedinto it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reactionwould be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as shewalked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you atleast will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walkedinto an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terriblethat all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to standthere blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to wardoff angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made melaugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forthfrom my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told afew folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing thestore and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, prayingthat I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began theinevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** isburning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middleof what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, anddisgustedly said, 'Sonofa*****!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cartintending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached meand said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appearssome prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going torun the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care ofthe problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. Theemployee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his noseand, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran offreturning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escortedfrom the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eatbut leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went toshop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in courtover the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint thestore..
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 09:04 PM

Aussie Immigration
I remember my first trip to Australia. I was on the plane filling in the immigration document and one of the questions was "do you have a criminal record". I thought that was strange - I was sure you didn't need one these days.....
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/03/12 09:16 PM

Now thats funny Mr. Trumby.
Posted by: Dman62

Re: Giggles - 12/04/12 12:17 AM

What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/04/12 05:38 PM

If a man speaks in the woods and his wife isn't there to hear him......
















......Is he still wrong?
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/04/12 05:38 PM

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the moron does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 03:18 PM

I have totally enjoyed every one of these. Thanks for sharing....
-carl
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:12 PM

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his dinner before it was cool.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.

Two whales walk into a bar.
The first whale says to the other, “WOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
The second whale says, “Shut up Steve, you’re drunk.”

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: “Make me one with everything.”

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.

Why does a chicken coop always have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.”
The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”

What is the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So, you’re the one.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it is actually full of stuff.

How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don’t worry they’ll tell you.

who is the roundest knight at king arthurs table?
Sir Cumfrence

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?
Because his mother was in the pen and they didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:16 PM

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:17 PM

Two peanuts where walking down the road and one was a salted!
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:18 PM

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:19 PM

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










It's coming. .









The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:19 PM

Two Virginia hunters, Bob and Fred, were going on a hunting trip. They get to where they wanted to be and started walking.

After about a half hour of walking, they sit down and take a rest.

Bob says to Fred" I'm not feeling to good".

Fred says" well, we can walk back to the truck.

Bob says" yeah lets do that".

So they start walking. About 15 minutes into the trip, Bob falls over. Fred panics and calls 911.

The operator answers and says" 911, what's your emergency?"

Fred says "My friend fell over with a heart attack, I think he's dead, what do i do"?

Operator says, "Well first make sure he's dead".

Fred says, "Ok".

The operator listens and hears a BANG!!!

Fred gets back on the phone and says, "Ok. He's dead... now what?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:21 PM

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:23 PM

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just
how he is cheating.'

The next night (after McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid asks Obama, 'Well, tell me... how is John McCain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:25 PM

So there were three rednecks walking down a country road. They find a dead opossum that was ran over.

The 1st redneck says, "that there looks tasty"!

The 2nd redneck says, "I don't much like opossum."

The 3rd redneck says, "I'm a waitin for something better.

So... the 1st redneck eats the opossum.

Then, down the road they find a dead rabbit.

The 1st redneck says he's full. The 2nd redneck says he likes rabbit and the 3rd redneck says he's still waitin for something better.

So... the 2nd redneck eats the rabbit.

Further down the road the first two rednecks who ate the opossum and the rabbit start barfing like crazy.

The 3rd redneck says, "Finally, a nice warm meal.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:25 PM

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
"The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:26 PM

Two Lions are eating a clown..
and then one lion says to the other..
.."This tastes funny"..
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:27 PM

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".

"What?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:31 PM

When the graveside service had no more than terminated,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by
a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there and it is His problem now."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:32 PM

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:33 PM

Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette a red head and a green haired girl. The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown.

The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural.

Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red. She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural.

Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green. She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says, "Its natural, its natural."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:35 PM

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:36 PM

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:37 PM

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 12/05/12 10:38 PM

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 12/06/12 01:57 AM

Found this on the www. Warning - few f bombs, but I have partially bleeped them. Enjoy...


I HATE MY JOB

My job is so f*cking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work. Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f*cking day.

Anyway, I drive these f*cktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 12/06/12 07:07 AM

Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/06/12 09:05 AM

Great one Rob!!!..:D
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 12:13 AM

A famous Aussie footballer, the Pope, John Howard & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes.

The footballer, got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

Then John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever had and I need to live to continue to govern the nation.
Then the Pope looked to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 12:24 AM

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 05:00 AM

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "**** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 05:22 AM

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 05:33 AM

rriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,!!


-Hello?
-Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
-No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.

After a brief pause

-But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Dave.
-Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs with Mommy. Right now..

Another Brief Pause.

-Uh, okay then, Honey, listen this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's home and his car just pulled into the driveway.
-Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

-I did it, Daddy.
-Good, and what happened honey?
-Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!
-Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Dave?
-He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

Long Pause


Longer Pause



even Longer Pause

-Swimming pool? What swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?




No Sir, I think you have the wrong number.........
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 06:09 AM

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 06:12 AM

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/08/12 06:14 AM

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/11/12 08:47 PM

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.

The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/11/12 08:48 PM

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/11/12 08:50 PM

There was an seventy year old couple at a fair. A pilot of giving out hilcopter rides for a hundred bucks. The old man (No offense here) wanted to go on the ride but his wfe wouldn't let him saying "We need that money for other stuff."
Every year they came back and the pilot was always there giving rides for hundred buck but the old mans wife always said the same thing.
Then one year they went back and the pilot was there and he wanted to go but his wife said no. The old man said to his wife. "Now Ella, i'm almost ninty and probably about to die. I want to go on this ride."
His wife again said no. The pilot had heard the exchange and walked over.
He said to the couple. "I'll make you a deal. If i take you on a ride for free will you make no noise at all. One peep and you have to pay." the pilot said and the man quickly agreed.
So in the air the pilot did all king of crazy stuff trying to make them sream or something. He even did flips and sharp turns but they stil didnt say nothin. The pilot was impressed and shock.
On the ground the pilot turned to the old man. "That was really impressive. you never even made a peep."
Then the old man said, "Well i was tempted when my wife fell out but like she always say, we need the money for other stuff."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/11/12 08:51 PM

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/14/12 07:54 AM

Giraffe walks into a bar and says, “High Balls are on me”.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/14/12 07:55 AM

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular
with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he
replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then
his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/14/12 08:03 AM

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.


British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.


When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.


The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/14/12 08:07 AM

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?





When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/14/12 08:13 AM

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, ' You need a piece of tail. '
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, ' Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite. '
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/14/12 01:31 PM

DB, hilarious and yet true.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/03/13 11:33 PM

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”[font:Century Gothic][/FONT]
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 01/06/13 11:24 PM

Q: What's brown and sticky?
































A: A stick.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 08:50 PM

What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered dessert???








"No thanks, I'm stuffed" laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 09:49 PM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather
tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman
sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and
whispered - "Is that one word or two ?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 09:53 PM

I have a friend who is reading a book on anti-gravity. He can't put it down... <rimshot>

I have a friend who drinks brake fluid every night. Says he can stop any time... <rimshot>

Two cannibals are having dinner. The one says, "I hate my mother in law". The other says, "Shut up and just eat the noodles then!"... <rimshot>

A banjo player and a piper (bagpipe player) jump off the roof of a 50-story building. Which one lands first? Who cares... <rimshot>

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer... <rimshot>
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 09:54 PM

Picture this...

You're ridin' a Lion...
Chasing a Herd of Zebras...
Which are chasing a Herd of Hippos...
While you and the Lion are being chased by a Herd of Horses...

Can you see it?!


Now get your drunk ass off of the Merry-go-round....
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 09:56 PM

Saw a bumper sticker on a car that said, "I MISS CHICAGO".

So...

I busted their window, stole their radio, and left a note saying "Hope this helps!!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 09:59 PM

After months of careful research, Bank of America have developed MALE & FEMALE Procedures for the proper usage of their Bank drive through ATM Machines, which other banks are thinking about implementing.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 09:59 PM

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens the door, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.

The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 10:01 PM

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching
his wife, who was looking at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still
looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her
to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster,
everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where
he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her *favorite *candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure!*
*
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.*
*
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.
*
'I meant my dress size you idiot!!!!'
**_
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong._*
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 10:02 PM

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 10:05 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;14336
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


That one got to me.........
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 10:15 PM

It happens...just when you think you can get away with it...
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 10:35 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;14340
It happens...just when you think you can get away with it...


I never seem to get away with it ....someone gets a whiff and everyone looks my way. Go figure....
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 10:49 PM

So a man is going to a viewing at a funeral home just a block or so from his house, so he decides to walk over. As he enters the funeral home, a coffin starts violently rocking back and forth, and then begins to move across the floor toward him! The man, frightened, runs out the door into the street only to have the coffin bust through the door and come straight toward him.

The man then turns, and runs down the street toward his house as fast as he can. Still, the coffin chases him. He goes into his house and locks the door tight behind. BOOM, the coffins slams straight through the front door. Up the stairs the man runs to his master bedroom. BOOM, the coffins still gets through the door.

Finally, the poor man runs into the master bathroom and shuts the door tight. BOOM, again enters the coffin. Out of options and nowhere left to go, the man reaches into the medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle of Robitussin. As he flings the liquid toward the looming menace, the coffin stops...
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/07/13 10:54 PM

Ten times when using the "f "word was probably acceptable:

10. "What the f was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those f Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any f idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f showers....My ***!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f mad." Osama bin Laden, November 2001
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/09/13 11:01 PM

Jon, when it comes to humor...you're just FULL of it!...:D:D:D
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/09/13 11:30 PM

That I am Tom!
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/15/13 05:52 PM

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hey , could I get a beer please"
The bartened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!" laugh
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 01/15/13 06:27 PM

How do you make a hanky dance?

Put a little boogie in it.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/15/13 08:59 PM

Rob! That was my favorite joke when I was in grade school. I actually told it to Josh sometime last week. He was laughing so hard, I don't think he had heard it before. smile
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 01/15/13 09:46 PM

Originally Posted By: Lora;14725
Rob! That was my favorite joke when I was in grade school. I actually told it to Josh sometime last week. He was laughing so hard, I don't think he had heard it before. smile


Awesome!!! hahahahaha!!!
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 01/16/13 09:27 AM

Sadly that is very true. lol
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/16/13 10:26 AM

[color:"#0000FF"]I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50. that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'[/color]


[color:"#006400"]"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"[/color]


[color:"#4B0082"]Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."[/color]
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 01/16/13 06:56 PM

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."
Posted by: bonesmalones

Re: Giggles - 01/16/13 07:42 PM

How do you get away from an angry midget? Walk at a normal pace.
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 01/17/13 12:13 AM

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 08:46 PM

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 08:47 PM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 08:48 PM

In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation
when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition
stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!"
and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma , he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment
until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

and... In Texas , he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy"............
Posted by: infocus2006

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 08:54 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;15515
In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation
when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition
stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!"
and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma , he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment
until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

and... In Texas , he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy"............



LMAO! I have a little over 40,000rds. Saved up over the years between ammo sales and reloading I have put a lot of time and money into my stash. I wish I had a million though!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 08:55 PM

Hey, DB-
What would the rundown be for some of the more avid blade collectors? :rolleyes:
-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 08:56 PM

Originally Posted By: infocus2006;15518
LMAO! I have a little over 40,000rds. Saved up over the years between ammo sales and reloading I have put a lot of time and money into my stash. I wish I had a million though!


....so you are barely a novice?
-carl
Posted by: infocus2006

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 08:58 PM

Sad I know... Luckily I have enough brass, primers, and bullets to keep the home ammo factory going for awhile.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 09:48 PM

Originally Posted By: infocus2006;15521
Sad I know... Luckily I have enough brass, primers, and bullets to keep the home ammo factory going for awhile.


I have, maybe, 2200 rounds total- so I am a real tenderfoot I suspect.cool
-carl
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 09:59 PM

I could use some lead for slingshot shooting, where do you guys that load your own bullets get it?
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/27/13 10:10 PM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile;15519
Hey, DB-
What would the rundown be for some of the more avid blade collectors? :rolleyes:
-carl


You've got me on that one. I'm a regular babe in the woods when it comes to knife collecting!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/28/13 05:15 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;15528
You've got me on that one. I'm a regular babe in the woods when it comes to knife collecting!


Me too.... I tend to shop with purpose, and slight variations to something I already have fail to produce much of a "gotta have" reaction. Sad, really.
-carl
Posted by: infocus2006

Re: Giggles - 01/29/13 10:41 AM

Originally Posted By: worldwood;15527
I could use some lead for slingshot shooting, where do you guys that load your own bullets get it?


I have a local guy that is wholesaler in reloading supplies and I get most of my stuff through him.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/29/13 11:30 AM

Why did the cowboy adopt the wiener dog?









[color:"#008080"]He wanted to get a long little doggy[/color]
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 01/29/13 01:26 PM

These jokes are hilarious!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/29/13 04:07 PM

Originally Posted By: Lora;15603
Why did the cowboy adopt the wiener dog?









[color:"#008080"]He wanted to get a long little doggy[/color]


OK, Courtesy giggle for that one.....
-carl
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/31/13 12:31 PM

Why thank you, Carl! I thought that one was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing the first time I heard it, but then again I love punny humor and plays on words. laugh Since this is a joke thread, I wanted to share a video with you guys that I have been laughing at for weeks.

[video=youtube;Veg63B8ofnQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Veg63B8ofnQ[/video]
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/01/13 01:02 AM

LOL. He looks like he's been hit with a cattle prodder. laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 02/01/13 07:54 AM

Now Ian, how would you know what that looks like. :rolleyes:
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/01/13 06:01 PM

Originally Posted By: Joshua R.;15772
Now Ian, how would you know what that looks like. :rolleyes:


laugh

Doing my bit for Australian tourism. laugh

[video=youtube;FRbjV0dUNFA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRbjV0dUNFA[/video]
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/01/13 09:16 PM

Lovely lass that Lucy!..;)...:)
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/01/13 09:21 PM

One for Lora. laugh

[video=youtube;8jDTCRhCbX8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jDTCRhCbX8[/video]
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/01/13 09:26 PM

That bulldog sounds better than some of those headbangers listed in the "What are you listening to?" thread over at Bladeforums!!!...:D:D:D
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/03/13 06:44 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink;15799
That bulldog sounds better than some of those headbangers listed in the "What are you listening to?" thread over at Bladeforums!!!...:D:D


LOL. Can't say tthat I'm into that head banging crap either. laugh
That bulldog does hold a fair tune, I think country music is more his go though. laugh
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/04/13 10:21 AM

I think you're right Ian!..:)
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 02/04/13 01:10 PM

Trumby-There are some scary animals in your neck of the woods.
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 02/04/13 06:14 PM

[video=youtube;t3ENUqV5-bw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=t3ENUqV5-bw[/video]
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/04/13 10:49 PM

LMAO. I love it. :D:D:D
Posted by: elof_alv

Re: Giggles - 02/05/13 01:42 AM

Nice one Rob!
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 02/05/13 03:25 AM

How weird .... my mates were showing me that last night. It is a crack up. Meet Victa !! wink
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 02/05/13 08:38 AM

Now that is just funny.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 02/05/13 09:12 AM

Lol, thats good
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 02/05/13 12:33 PM

Really funny! Poor Baz!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/05/13 08:34 PM

....and we though we had a bad day..............
-carl
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 02/06/13 10:39 AM


This always makes me smile laugh
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 02/07/13 11:41 AM

To cute shocked
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/07/13 09:59 PM

Originally Posted By: Tristine;15981
Really funny! Poor Baz!


You wouldn't think that if you've had to live with them. laugh

Coming down the Bruce highway after rain is always entertaining, they sit out on the roads in the millions. they make a loud bang when you run over them. Keeps the truckies amused for hours. laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 02/08/13 08:16 AM

Now that just sounds like a good time.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 02/08/13 10:13 AM

The only thing we get to run over when it rains is earthworms. They don't do anything fun when you run them over, I think a nice loud toad from time to time would make things a little more interesting around here.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/08/13 06:53 PM

Originally Posted By: Lora;16116
The only thing we get to run over when it rains is earthworms. They don't do anything fun when you run them over, I think a nice loud toad from time to time would make things a little more interesting around here.


LMAO, they must have a lot of air in them as they are like a mini explosion. It also sharpens up your driving skills when you come across two that are spread across the road. You really do need to get both of them. laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/10/13 09:29 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby;16122
LMAO, they must have a lot of air in them as they are like a mini explosion. It also sharpens up your driving skills when you come across two that are spread across the road. You really do need to get both of them. laugh


..................that could get a guy on a motorcycle killed. smile
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 01:25 AM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile;16211
..................that could get a guy on a motorcycle killed. smile
-carl


Even worse. eek
I'd hate to go splattered with Toad gizzards. laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:32 PM

Marrying an Irish girl...

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.....
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:32 PM

A woman walks into a shop that sells "expensive" Persian Rugs..

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it..

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly..

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is the showroom Manager "Good day Ma'am, how can I help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap in your pants when you hear what its cost is."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:38 PM

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while &#8216;the lights would turn off.&#8217;

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, &#8216;May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, &#8216;OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.&#8217;

&#8216;Well, in that case, I&#8217;ll just look the other way,&#8217; said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, &#8216;Sir, I don&#8217;t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?&#8217;

&#8216;Well, now they know you&#8217;re one of us,&#8217; said the bartender, &#8216;Would you like a drink?&#8217;

&#8216;No thank you, but, I still don&#8217;t understand,&#8217; said the puzzled nun.

&#8216;You see,&#8217; laughed the bartender, &#8216;every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?&#8217;
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:39 PM

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans.
They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming, "darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned.
Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:41 PM

I was in The Villages, Florida....and I saw a bumper sticker
on a parked car that read "I miss Chicago."

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that
read, "I hope this helps."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:41 PM

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.


He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' ..

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a
dead mouse in the chili.


The sight was very shocking and he
immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:42 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby;16122
LMAO, they must have a lot of air in them as they are like a mini explosion. It also sharpens up your driving skills when you come across two that are spread across the road. You really do need to get both of them. laugh


Well yeah, you have to get both of them! When they make a sound like that you have no other choice laugh

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;16265
Marrying an Irish girl...

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.....


This joke has always made me happy to be a little Irish laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 05:45 PM

Yep, don't make an Irish girl mad! You will pay for it.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 08:37 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby;16222
Even worse. eek
I'd hate to go splattered with Toad gizzards. laugh


...or worse, have the medics trying to put back organs that used to belong to the toad....
-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/11/13 08:38 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;16273
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.


He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' ..

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a
dead mouse in the chili.


The sight was very shocking and he
immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'


One of my favorites.
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/12/13 04:14 AM

Old Patti O&#8217;Conner walked into the pub with two black eyes, his arm in a sling and bits out of him all over. His mate looked him up and down and said, what happened to you Patti.

Well that Bluey Dunn gave me a terrible beating, he had a shovel in his hand at the time and gave me a terrible licking.
His mate said, but he&#8217;s only a little fella, didn&#8217;t you have something in hand as well??

Yeah, Mrs. Dunn&#8217;s breast.
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 02/13/13 12:54 PM

My kids' favorite joke when they were little.

How do you make a hankie dance?

Put a little boogie in it!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/14/13 06:25 AM

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/16/13 03:16 PM

Ahhhh.... silver tongued lass.
If a man wants to have the last word(s) they should always be YES DEAR.
.
.
.
...and someday I will get the last word :rolleyes:
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/24/13 05:49 PM

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, &#8220;Son, you know I&#8217;ve always been careful with what little money we had. I didn&#8217;t spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn&#8217;t even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.&#8221;

&#8220;Pa!&#8221; the young man stammered, &#8220;do you know what that makes me?&#8221;

&#8220;Yep,&#8221; said the old man fingering the $50, &#8220;&#8230; and a cheap one, too.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/16/13 04:22 PM

&#8220;I&#8217;M GOING FISHING&#8221; Means: &#8220;I&#8217;m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.&#8221;

&#8220;IT&#8217;S A GUY THING&#8221; Means: &#8220;There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.&#8221;

&#8220;CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?&#8221; Means: &#8220;Why isn&#8217;t dinner already on the table?&#8221;

&#8220;UH HUH,&#8221; &#8220;SURE, HONEY,&#8221; OR &#8220;YES, DEAR&#8230;&#8221; Means: Absolutely nothing.
It&#8217;s a conditioned response.

&#8220;IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN&#8221; Means: &#8220;I have no idea how it works.&#8221;

&#8220;I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT&#8217;S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.&#8221;
Means: &#8220;I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.&#8221;

&#8220;TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.&#8221; Means: &#8220;I can&#8217;t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.&#8221;

&#8220; THAT&#8217;S INTERESTING, DEAR.&#8221; Means: &#8220;Are you still talking?&#8221;

&#8220;YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.&#8221; Means: &#8220;I remember the theme song to &#8216;F Troop&#8217;, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I&#8217;ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.&#8221;

&#8220;I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.&#8221; Means: &#8220;The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.&#8221;

&#8220;OH, DON&#8217;T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT&#8217;S NO BIG DEAL.&#8221; Means: &#8220;I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.&#8221;

&#8220;HEY, I&#8217;VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I&#8217;M DOING.&#8221; Means: &#8220;And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.&#8221;

&#8220;I CAN&#8217;T FIND IT.&#8221; Means: &#8220;It didn&#8217;t fall into my outstretched hands, so I&#8217;m completely clueless.&#8221;

&#8220;WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?&#8221; Means: &#8220;What did you catch me at?&#8221;

&#8220;I HEARD YOU.&#8221; Means: &#8220;I haven&#8217;t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don&#8217;t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.&#8221;

&#8220;YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE&#8221; Means: &#8220;I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.&#8221;

&#8220;YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.&#8221; Means: &#8220;&#8221;Please don&#8217;t try on one more outfit, I&#8217;m starving.&#8221;

&#8220;I&#8217;M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.&#8221; Means: &#8220;No one will ever see us alive again.&#8221;
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/16/13 04:29 PM

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

&#8220;What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?&#8221; asked the chief.

&#8220;Forget the damn lion!&#8221; he howled. &#8220;Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?&#8221;
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 03/17/13 06:08 PM

Jon, I almost spit out my iced tea on that one!!!..:D:D:D
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 03:09 PM

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know sh*t?"


And then she went back to reading her book.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 04:23 PM

DB, that is hysterical! So funny
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 06:34 PM

And yet true!..:rolleyes:
Posted by: infocus2006

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 07:29 PM

Good stuff DB seriously LMAO!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 09:11 PM

DB-
That is one of my all-time favorites.
-carl
Posted by: elof_alv

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 09:39 PM

Good one DB! laugh
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 09:42 PM

Liked that one DB. laugh
Sadley true though!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 10:13 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby;19425
Liked that one DB. laugh
Sadley true though!


What I find interesting is that if deer, horses and cattle were constituents that made large contributions, it would still be true.
-carl
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 10:38 PM

Hahahahahahahaahahhhahahahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 10:58 PM

Thank you...I'll be here all week.cool
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/01/13 11:35 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;19435
Thank you...I'll be here all week.cool


Good company is all I can say....
-carl
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 04/02/13 11:02 PM

Some kid at my daughter's preschool brought in a picture of himself with President Obama that was taken over the Spring Break. My daughter raised her hand and said: "I have something to say! It's ALL Obama's fault!"
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/03/13 04:16 AM

When we were visiting my daughter and family over Thanksgiving, my granddaughter looked sweetly at me and asked if I knew what OMG meant. I said "sure, oh my God". She smiled and said "no, Obama Must Go"...:D:D
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 04/05/13 04:47 PM

Thats funny Tom.
Posted by: infocus2006

Re: Giggles - 04/05/13 08:59 PM

Hilarious Tom! I am gonna use that one!
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/06/13 01:07 AM

Funny but true!..cool
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/07/13 10:09 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink;19706
Funny but true!..cool


We might have an applicant for the job later this year. laugh

Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/07/13 10:30 PM

Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years.

One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a furneral processional drives by.

Well, Kent lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart.

This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass.

Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word.

Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions.

One of them finally speaks up and says, that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by.

Kent replied, it seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/07/13 10:34 PM

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit New Zealand.

The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance.

Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.

The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.

France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.

Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.

Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.

Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.

Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis&#8230;&#8230;.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/07/13 10:44 PM

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured... he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/07/13 10:45 PM

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured... he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/08/13 02:49 AM

Jon, now THAT is a good one!..:D:D:D
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 04/08/13 08:30 AM

That is my kinda salesman.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 04/08/13 09:05 AM

That was excellent !!
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 05/03/13 01:49 AM



Uploaded with ImageShack.us
Posted by: elof_alv

Re: Giggles - 05/03/13 02:09 AM

Cool, now I know who to blame for all the knives I have! 'It was the pushy salesman honey'... :p
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/14/13 04:36 PM

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light – A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone – The handyman’s 911.

Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain Saw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.

Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 06/14/13 06:55 PM

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 06/14/13 07:27 PM

If we weren't intended to eat meat, all of the animals wouldn't be made of meat.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 06/15/13 12:47 AM

Originally Posted By: RobStanley
If we weren't intended to eat meat, all of the animals wouldn't be made of meat.


BEEF...it's what's for dinner! grin
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 06/15/13 02:17 PM

Bambi does make cute sandwiches.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 06/15/13 02:18 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



Remember this, Ian, it might come in handy sooner than you think. smile
-carl
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 06/15/13 11:24 PM

I went to the doctor the other day and whipped out the old fella and said "Hey doc, have a look at this."

The doctor replied "What? There's nothing wrong with it."

I said "I know! But isn't it a f@*kin beauty!"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 06/16/13 01:02 AM

Aussie Summer

a.. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

b.. Hot water comes out of both taps.

c.. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron.

d.. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

e.. You discover that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

f.. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.

g.. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

h.. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

i.. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

j.. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

k.. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them
from laying hard-boiled eggs.

l.. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

m.. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

n.. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the car park.

o.. You catch a cold from having the air conditioner full blast while you sleep during the night.

p.. You learn that the local Mall isn't a shopping centre it's a temple to worship air-conditioning
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/16/13 02:07 AM

Originally Posted By: RobStanley
I went to the doctor the other day and whipped ut the old fella and said "Hey doc, have a look at this."

The doctor replied "What? There's nothing wrong with it."

I said "I know! But isn't it a f@*kin beauty!"


I tell my wife the same thing!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/16/13 10:28 PM

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," the other says.

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 06/19/13 01:06 AM

ba dum bum!
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 06/19/13 10:30 AM

That is disturbing yet hilarious.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 06/19/13 11:38 AM

Quote:
Ian said: n.. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the car park.



Brings back memories, that one does.....
-carl
Posted by: MtnRat

Re: Giggles - 06/20/13 05:56 PM

There's a bar on top of a really, really high building and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth.

A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.

Another guy comes and sits next to him.

The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."

The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.

The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.

At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.

The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, your a jerk when your drunk!!"
Posted by: MtnRat

Re: Giggles - 06/20/13 05:57 PM

Three Nickels



A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. Places their order then gives the young boy three nickels to play with, to keep his occupied until their order is served.
Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is beginning to panic and begins to shout for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping on a cup of coffee. At the sounds of the commotion she gets up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the paper and places it on the counter. She makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Upon reaching the young boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist them, gently at first and then ever so firmly. In only a few seconds the boy convulses violently, coughing up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand, and returns it to the father.
Releasing the boy's testicles, pulling up his trousers, she turns and walks calmly back to her seat at the coffee bar and resumes reading her newspaper.
As soon as he is sure his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying: "I've never seen anyone do anything like that before, it was fantastically effective. Are you a doctor?"
Looking up the woman replies, "No, I work for the Internal Revenue Service"
Posted by: MtnRat

Re: Giggles - 06/20/13 06:12 PM

LITTLE JOHNNY AND WORMS

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Posted by: MtnRat

Re: Giggles - 06/20/13 06:20 PM

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: 'Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.'

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: 'Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.'

'Why the rabbit?'

'Great attitude!' says the Sergeant. 'When can you start?'
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 06/21/13 09:25 AM

I have to agree with Johnny.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 06/22/13 02:26 PM

Originally Posted By: MtnRat
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: 'Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.'

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: 'Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.'

'Why the rabbit?'

'Great attitude!' says the Sergeant. 'When can you start?'



I LOVE IT!!! laugh grin laugh
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 06/22/13 07:22 PM

Little Paula was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Paula?
"My goldfish died," replied Paula tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned,"I am so sorry for your loss but that
seems be an awfully big hole for a little tiny goldfish, isn't it?"
Paula nicely patted down the last heap of earth on the grave then
replied, "That's because he's inside your f------ cat."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 06/22/13 09:29 PM

Now THAT is funny.
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/29/13 09:07 PM

What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/07/13 12:05 AM

A bit funny, a whole lot true....


* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in..

* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/07/13 02:52 PM

AMEN to this:
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

The trick is to learn from mistakes ...something I only recently learned.
-carl
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 07/08/13 12:07 AM

A joke my second child made up this week for the family reunion:

What do you call a belt made of cash?

A waist of money! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/09/13 02:42 PM

Ways to make life simpler....
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/11/13 08:51 AM

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”

“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.

“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 07/11/13 04:31 PM

That is great Db. The simple things in life can be the most rewarding.

To keep the theme of the thread going. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple.




Finding half a worm.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/13/13 11:28 PM

I rather like the story of the drunken fisherman bragging, in a bar, about taking 30 game fish with dynamite.

A fellow down the bar a bit proposed that the drunken fisherman ought not to be talking so openly about his deeds.

The drunken fisherman claimed not to care- after all, he said, he needed to be caught in the act to be arrested.

The fellow down the bar persisted saying that a Game Warden could be hearing the conversation.

Still the drunken fisherman claimed not to care. Then the fellow down the bar admitted to being a warden.

Still the drunken fisherman claimed not to care.

The fellow down the bar said: if you really don't care then tell me where you do do this "fishing".

The drunken fisherman replied: Show up on the lake dock at dawn and I'll take you there.

At dawn the warden was waiting. The hung-over fisherman invited the warden into the boat and off they went.

After about 30 minutes of motoring, the fisherman stopped, dropped anchor, produced a stick of dynamite with a very short fuse-
then lit the fuse and tossed the dynamite to the warden.

The warden exclaimed "WHAT THE.."

The fisherman cut him off and said: Are you going to chat or fish?

-carl
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 07/14/13 12:00 AM

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang out down here and I'll go on ahead!
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 07/14/13 06:57 AM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
Ways to make life simpler....
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.


This had tears running down my face. Thanks DB ! wink
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/25/13 10:00 PM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/25/13 10:02 PM

PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence, Kansas December 12, 2009

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 02:47 AM

Now THAT is a good one! grin
Posted by: elof_alv

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 03:50 AM

So, you're saying that when my 'cell' (mobile on this side of the pond) is not working properly I need to piss on the ground to fix it?
wink :p
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 06:53 AM

Or piss on your mobile. Whichever works best.
Posted by: MikeW

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 12:23 PM

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 02:57 PM

Now that is just funny.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 03:39 PM

Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 04:13 PM



I stumbled across this today and could not stop laughing, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. laugh
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 07/26/13 09:38 PM

This brings back memories of when I was a kid, but we had Death Adders out there as well. grin

The Outhouse


I grabbed the torch one real dark night
and bolted down the yard.
The shadows stretched their long dark arms,
my heart was beating hard.
Mum said there were no boogie men
but I was not so sure.
The wind was howling through the trees
as I ran for the door.
I shone the torch across the seat
then shone it up the wall.
I'd hate to get a spider bite
or see things creep and crawl.
When I was sure that it was safe
I'd hurry up and go.
Then I was done. I'd check again
for any deadly foe.
I made the dash back to the house
the devil at my heels,
and once inside I'd slam the door.
You don't know how that feels.
One freezing, rainy, winter night
scared, I used a bucket.
When morning came I'd empty it,
I'd just go and chuck it.
Alas, when I woke up next day
forgetting it was there,
I kicked it over spilling it
and cried out in despair.
I sure am glad that things have changed
in places we reside,
'cause I'm not frightened anymore.
The outhouse is inside.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/27/13 11:13 PM

Originally Posted By: elof_alv
So, you're saying that when my 'cell' (mobile on this side of the pond) is not working properly I need to piss on the ground to fix it?
wink :p


Find an electric fence and urinate on it while dialing. There will be a signal. smile
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 07/29/13 08:44 PM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile


Find an electric fence and urinate on it while dialing. There will be a signal. smile
-carl


I watched a fella do that once, without a mobile though. grin

We were Quail hunting, the dog was on point, so to show off how good his dog was, he lit up a cigar and piddled on a strip grazer, only he didn't know it was a strip grazer. grin

I did, but didn't say anything to him at the time, he screamed so loud he scared the dog back to the truck.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/29/13 09:45 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby
Originally Posted By: Carl Theile


Find an electric fence and urinate on it while dialing. There will be a signal. smile
-carl


I watched a fella do that once, without a mobile though. grin

We were Quail hunting, the dog was on point, so to show off how good his dog was, he lit up a cigar and piddled on a strip grazer, only he didn't know it was a strip grazer. grin

I did, but didn't say anything to him at the time, he screamed so loud he scared the dog back to the truck.


See there? Signal a plenty smile
-carl
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 07/30/13 08:39 AM

I have seen a few guys relieve themselves on an electric fence. Now I may or may not have convinced them that the fence was off. LOL
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 07/30/13 05:33 PM

Originally Posted By: Joshua R.
I have seen a few guys relieve themselves on an electric fence. Now I may or may not have convinced them that the fence was off. LOL


LMAO. I've never done it, but it's gotta hurt something fierce. grin

At the time we were hunting on a stubble paddock, they had a mob of dairy cattle grazing on it at the time, so I figured anyone who didn't work it out that it was alive needed to find out the hard way. grin
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 07/30/13 05:42 PM

A lesson they will not forget! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/30/13 11:27 PM

As they say, "experience keeps a dear school, but a fool will learn in no other". There was this fella who told me that getting shocked in this manner was impossible (and there have been others giving similar voice) but you won't be catching me testing their theories. I invited them to do that. I just wonder if they ever did....
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/11/13 10:25 AM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/22/13 11:29 PM

Aphorisms

An APHORISM is a short, pointed sentence expressing a wise or clever observation or a general truth.

Here are some ‘gems’

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?

9. Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. After 70 if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/23/13 09:48 AM

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

This is absolutely hilarious and yet true.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/23/13 12:05 PM

Yep. Maybe I need to stop going to conventions!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/23/13 12:23 PM

You may not want to buy a used sofa when you make any of the following observations:

1. There’s a large red tag on it marked “Evidence”.

2. The cushions begin crawling away.

3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a “Rebel And Proud” bumper sticker.

4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.

5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a doughnut appears to be moving.

6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.

7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.

8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.

9. A tag on the back says “Property of Blessed Hope Mission”.

10. It has its own nickname.

11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.

12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.

13. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue-gun.

14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.

15. It seems to generate its own heat.

16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.

17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.

18. It growls when you sit on it.

19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.

20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.

21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.

22. There’s a coin slot on the armrest.

23. There are labels in various spots that say “No Step”.

24. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.

25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.

26. You hear scampering noises inside.

27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ fly swatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin

28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World’s Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a ’72 Dodge
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/24/13 08:23 AM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”


I don't know how I skipped over this. That is just freaking funny.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 08/25/13 12:22 AM

What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons. grin
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 08/25/13 12:41 AM

Not a joke, but dang funny grin

Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/26/13 08:59 AM

Originally Posted By: Dogtired
What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons. grin


Too funny.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 08/30/13 10:08 PM

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender points and says "Hey, what's with the paper towel?" The pirate scowls and says "Aaaargh! I've got a Bounty on me head."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 08/30/13 10:10 PM

A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bartender here?" (bar tender)
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 08/30/13 10:11 PM

Three nuns walk into a bar, which is kind of silly, since after the first two walked into it you'd think the third one would have seen it!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/30/13 10:55 PM

Originally Posted By: Dogtired
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender points and says "Hey, what's with the paper towel?" The pirate scowls and says "Aaaargh! I've got a Bounty on me head."



Booooo!

That one was bad DT. Very bad.



Still, it made me laugh....
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/30/13 11:26 PM

Me too! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/31/13 07:18 PM

I laughed at all of them, NO booo.
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/15/13 01:31 PM

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/15/13 04:31 PM

LMAO
-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/15/13 10:11 PM

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer -- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand....kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.



-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/15/13 10:34 PM

Now that one is a classic!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/15/13 10:39 PM

LMAO grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/17/13 09:09 AM

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said “John I’m really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?

John replied “I feel just like a new born babe”

Tim looked at him startled “A New Born babe really?”

“Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/17/13 10:10 PM

It was that "care home" that done it to them.
-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/18/13 12:10 AM

Good one D/B! laugh
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/18/13 12:29 AM

New Paperback



Me missus bought a paperback

Down town on Saturday,

I had a peep into her bag;

'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."



Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread.



Her left hand held a length of rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down onto the floor,

And then began to strip.



Well fifty years or so ago

I might have had a peek;

But Doris hasn’t weathered well;

She’s eighty four next week.



Watching Doris bump and grind

Could not have been much grimmer.

Things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet

A cuppla minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

That I must dominate her!!



Now if you knew our Doris,

You would see just why I spluttered,

I’d spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I’d uttered.



She stood there nude, just naked like,

Bent forward just a bit ….

I took a pace to brace meself

And stood on her left $it!



Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

“Step on the other one!”



Well readers, I won't tell no more

What happened on that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair

Turned “fifty shades of grey”.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/18/13 07:06 AM

Laughing my A$$ off, Ian. Tis 4:AM and time for me to be out and quiet, but I keep on chuckling........
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/18/13 09:56 AM

Ian, that one is golden! Thanks for the laugh.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/18/13 09:56 AM

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is.

Predictably, he’s hit — but, only a glancing blow — and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man:’ Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?’

The desert man replies:’ Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.’
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/18/13 03:17 PM

Ian and D/B, those are GREAT! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/18/13 03:34 PM

If nothing else, and least I'm good for a joke or two....
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/19/13 10:01 AM

Jon, you must be good for SOMETHING else; otherwise, you wouldn't spend so much time flying around the country! grin
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 09/19/13 12:20 PM

There are some really funny jokes here. Ian, I could not stop laughing!
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 09/19/13 10:13 PM

Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/19/13 11:33 PM

Good one DT!
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/20/13 08:20 AM

That is very true Dt.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/20/13 09:38 AM

I thought the same thing Josh! grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/20/13 10:33 AM

Thats hilarious, and very accurate LMAO
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/20/13 05:01 PM

I love the Natural lines. Men are just plain better looking all the time.


Now that is a funny joke.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 12:13 AM

shocked I thought it was serious! grin
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 05:19 AM

Originally Posted By: Joshua R.
I love the Natural lines. Men are just plain better looking all the time.


Are you sure that's how you meant it to sound? It's ok if it is. No one's judging. wink grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 06:03 AM

Yea I didnt even know what that meant, so I just left it alone LMAO
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 08:17 AM

Wow didn't realize how bad that sounded until now. Disregard nothing to see here.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 08:50 AM

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 08:51 AM

I think Joshua may have won for joke of the year....
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 09:57 AM

Thanks, I will give a very awkward and confusing speech when i receive my award. LOL
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 10:33 AM

I don't know Jon, that last one of yours sure made me laugh! laugh
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 12:12 PM

Josh, these feelings of confusion are natural. Please just explore them privately wink grin grin grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 12:21 PM

Yea man, we are not judging! your still cool in our book!
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 02:06 PM






Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 06:31 PM

Right at home on the Busse forums! grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 07:07 PM

Its saturday im drinking everywhere LMAO
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 10:58 PM

Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 11:37 PM

Sumo squirrel Ah so!
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/21/13 11:44 PM

Breaking out the family album DT?
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/23/13 01:11 PM

Great one Jon! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 12:35 PM

Very funny guys!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 09:55 PM

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 09:58 PM

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.

Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."

Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."

While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.

Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 10:00 PM

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"

The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 10:04 PM

A wife comes home and tells her husband, "Dear, something is wrong with my car. It's got water in the carburetor."

The husband replies, "That's not possible."

"Well," says the wife, "I'm telling you that's the problem."

The husband gets up and sighs, "OK, fine. Where'd you park it?"

The wife points toward the backyard, "In the swimming pool."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 10:05 PM

What not to say to a cop.

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 10:16 PM

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 11:00 PM

DG, you are a wealth of information!
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 11:32 PM

A wealth of useless information!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 11:34 PM

Nothing that encourages laughter is useless, IMHO.
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 11:39 PM

Well, give me a Nobel Prize for bad jokes then.

At least I can make the Swamp laugh from time to time.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/24/13 11:42 PM

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 10:23 PM

Methinks DB is scratching the bottom of his funny-sack.....dam.
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 10:45 PM

Selling My Stuff


One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a/hole getting my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a/hole?"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 10:50 PM

Ouch!!!!
-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 10:53 PM

'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought a new mule. They were walking it down the street when the mule trips over a stone. The husband says, “That's one!”
They walk some more, when the mule trips over a stone again and the husband says, “That's two!”
Then the mule trips over a stone again. The husband says, “That's three,” and shoots the mule!
The wife gets so mad and start's cursing at the husband and saying, “That was are only mule! You were an idiot to shoot it!”
The husband says to his wife, that's ONE!”

...and they lived happily ever after.
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 10:56 PM

Wheelchair


Hospital regulations usually require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 10:58 PM

Hunting:
Still my favorite one liner.......Yes'mam its your Elk......just let me take my saddle off of it.
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:04 PM

Stutter


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'f....' , the Rottweiler ate him!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:09 PM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:10 PM

What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?

Beer
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:11 PM

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.


After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.


While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.


"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:11 PM

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."


So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."


Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"


"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.


A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."


So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:12 PM

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.


Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.


Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.


Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:13 PM

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.


"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."


The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.


"And what if I swallow it?"


"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:14 PM

These are from actual resumes:


"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.


"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."


"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."


"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."


"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."


"Number of dependents: 40."


"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."


RESUME BLOOPERS


"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."


REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:


"Responsibility makes me nervous."


"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."


REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:


"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."


"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."


"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."


JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:


"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."


"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."


SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:


"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."


"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."


"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."


PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:


"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


PERSONAL INTERESTS:


"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."


SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:


"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."


"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."


"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."


"I'm a rabid typist."


"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:14 PM

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?


Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?


Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?


Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?


If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?


Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?


How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?


If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:15 PM

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"


"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"


"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.


About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"


"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.


"The sharks got 'em."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:17 PM



Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.


The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.


The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.


The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.


Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"


Answer... "They're Carol's."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:18 PM

Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings

Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria

Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarean section -- District in Rome

Cat scan -- Searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- Sheep dog

Coma -- A punctuation mark

Congenital -- Friendly

D&C -- Where Washington is

Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events

Dilate -- To live long

Enema -- Not a friend

Fester -- Quicker

Fibula -- A small lie

G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- Suitcase

Hangnail -- Coathook

Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- Got hurt at work

Medical staff -- Doctor's cane

Morbid -- Higher offer

Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate

Node -- Was aware of

Outpatient -- Person who had fainted

Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- Letter carrier

Protein -- Favoring young people

Rectum -- It almost killed him

Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- Amorous

Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- Hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- Study of knighthood

Tablet -- Small table

Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport

Tibia -- Country in North Africa

Tumor -- An extra pair

Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:21 PM

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.


The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.


The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.


The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."


Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.


The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"


This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.


The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.


Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"


The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.


After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/25/13 11:34 PM

Similar:
A fella wants to catch some sleep on a flight, but the fella in the next seat wants to talk. The Sleepy fella says: What do you want? The talker says he wants to discuss some matter of importance, like nuclear fusion.

The sleeper says ok, but first answer a question: Deer, cows and horses eat the same basic stuff, yet horse dung is in clumps, cow dung is in patties, and deer dung is in clumps of pellets. Why is that. The talker thinks about it and says I dunno.

The sleeper says: How are you going to dscuss nuclear fusion with me if you don't know $hit?
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 12:57 AM

Washing the Dog

An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do.

"Oh, no," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the shopkeeper. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him."But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it.

A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the washing powder that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 01:26 AM

Buckshot


A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.


"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.


"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't $iss in your eye."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 02:37 AM

Spelling


A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise: Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.


She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.


A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 02:49 AM

Underwear


One evening, while thinking I was being funny, I said to my wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take an inch or 2 off of your butt!"!

My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer. "What is this?" I said to myself as a little dust cloud appeared when I shook them out.


"Connie", I hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"


She replied..... "It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 06:22 AM

Ian, thanks for the laugh this morning. Those were pretty good.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 07:11 AM

Good one Ian.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:09 AM

For sure; it got me laughing! laugh laugh
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 07:42 PM

Making Love


Paddy met Mick in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?"

"Why?" Paddy asked.

"Because," said Mick, "all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday."

Mick said, "Silly buggers, the laugh is on them. I wasn't home yesterday."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:31 PM

an indian and a horseback cowboy cross paths one day. the indian says quietly 'nice horse'

the cowboy replies 'thanks, got her for my wife'

indian looks down a moment, then looks at the horse quickly 'good trade'
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:31 PM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:34 PM

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat damn truck!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:37 PM

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.










His Diary:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:37 PM

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:39 PM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:40 PM

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:45 PM

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:46 PM

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:52 PM

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"" Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard,takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

" Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 09:55 PM

rriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,!!


-Hello?
-Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
-No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.

After a brief pause

-But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Dave.
-Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs with Mommy. Right now..

Another Brief Pause.

-Uh, okay then, Honey, listen this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's home and his car just pulled into the driveway.
-Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

-I did it, Daddy.
-Good, and what happened honey?
-Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!
-Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Dave?
-He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

Long Pause


Longer Pause



even Longer Pause

-Swimming pool? What swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?




No Sir, I think you have the wrong number.........
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 10:03 PM

The Female Marine Aviator

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from mommy when she's been drinking."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 10:10 PM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her pink Hummer and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.


The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.


"What does it look like?" she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, "Its square and it has your picture on it."


The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/26/13 10:16 PM

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left
the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from
the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at
bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to
travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just
wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said
the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when
you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's
signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one
day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked
the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and
Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then
she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked
the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since
huntin' season started!"
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/27/13 03:04 AM

LMAO these are great!

This guy has the right idea!!

Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 09/28/13 02:39 AM

A couple of AFP ( Australian Federal Police ) officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BLOODY BADGE!"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/28/13 08:46 PM

Magoo-
I love that one. smile
-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/29/13 12:51 AM

Me too! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 09/29/13 01:49 AM

Thanks Carl. An oldie but a goodie. wink
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/29/13 08:40 AM

Originally Posted By: worldwood
LMAO these are great!

This guy has the right idea!!




That is one smart..and happy...chimpanzee! grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/29/13 12:02 PM

He is my role model LMAO
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/29/13 01:11 PM

Not me, I'm no-longer wired for 320 smile
-carl
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 10/02/13 06:15 AM

[video:youtube]http://youtu.be/Hl_QWkvtCXI[/video]
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/03/13 07:47 AM

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…”Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/03/13 06:14 PM

Some Saltbush Bill Cartoons





Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 10/03/13 07:40 PM

Ian those old Jolliffe cartoons are great. My dad had a big book full of them. I remember sitting for hours as a kid looking over them. Thanks for sharing them mate smile
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 10/04/13 10:09 AM

Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/04/13 02:35 PM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/04/13 09:33 PM

Three old guys sitting at a bar, 1'st guy says, sure is windy, 2'nd guy says, Wednesday? I thought it was Thursday, 3'rd guy says, thirsty, me too, lets have another beer.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/05/13 10:12 AM

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13 "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16.. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 10/05/13 03:47 PM

Number 16 could get the officer in a lot of trouble. LOL
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/05/13 08:49 PM

#2 brings back memories.
-carl
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 10/05/13 09:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile
#2 brings back memories.
-carl


Ill take tight cuffs over tight zip ties any day!!

I have had some cuffs on me so tight they ripped the skin around my wrist.... I mean if i wasnt trying to grab and punch my wrist might have been fine LMAO, BUT tight zip ties cutting off the circulation and slicing into your wrist suck way worse!!! They just keep getting tighter LMAO
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/05/13 09:17 PM

I like neither. Those days are behind me now, ...I think. smile
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/05/13 09:28 PM

Thinking about one more wild weekend Carl?
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/05/13 10:33 PM

Never, unless I am alone or with someone smile
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/06/13 12:10 PM

A firecracker factory is rocked by a huge explosion, and several people are injured. The injured are taken to the hospital, but not everyone survives.

An inquiry begins and several survivors are approached to make statements.

One such survivor, Sven, is asked by the investigator, “You were close to where the explosion happened, right? Tell me about it.”

Sven replied, “Well, old Felix was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”

The investigator is shocked. He says, “You sure he was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been working for the company?”

Sven replied, “Yes. About 25 years, sir”

The investigator says, “He works 25 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.”

“It was, sir.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/06/13 02:24 PM

That reminds me of an idiot who was shooting off fireworks next to the company's hydrogen plant...for REAL! shocked
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 07:24 AM

Jeremy answers a knock at the door late one night. He opens the door to find a seven-foot tall centipede at the doorstep.

Without a warning, the centipede kicks him on the chest and walks away. The following night, he finds the same centipede back again at his front door. This time the centipede kicks him between the legs and runs away.

Jeremy is in pain and somehow manages to climb his bed and go to sleep.

He goes to see a doctor next morning. The doctor asks what happened and, Jeremy narrates the happenings of the previous 2 nights.

“Ah” says the doc. “There is a nasty bug going around.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 05:23 PM

Was the centipede on all legs or standing only on hind legs? wink
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 05:29 PM

He was on his hind legs. How else would he be able to kick that high.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 05:31 PM

Just had to ask ...got to thinking about how a centipede might kick ...and dontcha just love having to explain a joke smile
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 07:10 PM

No, the pope walked INTO the bar......
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 07:55 PM

A little man walked into a bikies bar clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A hairy giant bikie wearing a leather jacket turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the shaking little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," nervously replied the little man, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the giant bikie in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

"Bullshit!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 08:13 PM

Cow Mechanical Advice
A city man was driving down a country road when his car broke down near a field filled with cows.

The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, he noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker pants and ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"A cow just gave me advice about my broken car!" he shouted, waving his arms frantically back toward the field.

The farmer leaned out of the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited city man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a bloody thing about cars."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/07/13 08:15 PM

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband types "MyPenis" as the new password and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says "Error. Not long enough."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/08/13 09:15 AM

Good ones Ian!
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 10/08/13 12:22 PM

Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/08/13 03:36 PM

Wierd! eek
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/08/13 04:54 PM

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that $issed in your saxophone last night!"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/08/13 05:08 PM

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

"No," she cries, "It's too far!"

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 04:27 AM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 07:19 AM

That last one made me spit coffee. LOL
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 10:22 AM

Those are too funny! I'm with Josh, luckily I was not drinking anything!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 12:24 PM

Great one Ian.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 12:34 PM

OLE TEX. An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’

‘Who said my father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it Than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my grandpa’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks,’you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’

‘No, grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married. Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 12:54 PM

This is an actual headline, but it is so funny I had to post it in this thread!


Police: Evansville man shot himself in the scrotum after shooting other man

How? Why? Not really sure I want to know, but OUCH!!!!!
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 01:11 PM

Actual headline from a town in Ohio.

Man Eater...
Hall bitten by Oates.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 10:23 PM



Australia has weird ways to keep you safe. Personlly, I'd have thought it safer if they removed the crocs, jellyfish, and sharks...
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 10:29 PM



Well, maybe if someone took away their vinegar, the jellyfish wouldn't sting OR be dangerous! Sheesh Australia! Get a handle on your wildlife!
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 10:29 PM

Both pics I took while on holiday to the great land down under several years back grin
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 11:38 PM

Well, they do their thinking while upside down! grin
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 10/09/13 11:43 PM

hahahahhahahaha

Didn't want to say it but was thinking it grin
Posted by: elof_alv

Re: Giggles - 10/10/13 12:22 AM

No stingray on the sign?

And you're lucky you weren't further up north, there is a snail there that has a cocktail of about 70 different toxins and I don't think there is an antidote for it's sting...
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/10/13 07:21 AM

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food for Jake the Wonder dog at the supermarket and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I told her that I probably shouldn't have because, although I'd lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital and I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat a few every time you feel hungry and that the food was nutritionally complete.

I then told her that I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her that it hadn't; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 10/12/13 01:53 AM

Originally Posted By: elof_alv
No stingray on the sign?

And you're lucky you weren't further up north, there is a snail there that has a cocktail of about 70 different toxins and I don't think there is an antidote for it's sting...


Is that the cone or "harpoon" snail?
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 10/12/13 01:54 AM

We've got those in the States too grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/03/13 10:53 PM

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/03/13 11:05 PM

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/03/13 11:06 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral of the Story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/03/13 11:09 PM

Redneck tips


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/03/13 11:10 PM

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.

Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.

"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.

Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/03/13 11:33 PM

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Posted by: MLemelin

Re: Giggles - 11/04/13 10:07 PM

DB, you're always making my days better when I see you post in this thread. Mad props to you, my good man.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/04/13 10:21 PM

I echo Mathieu's sentiment, adding that there are many great contributions, but DB seems to be a bottomless pit.
-carl
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/05/13 01:17 AM

I agree, always good to get a quick laugh in!!

And do you say Mathieu the same as Matthew ?

Or more like Matt-chew?

Just curious

My name is hard to pronounce and read... Its Richard LMAO

My last name is quite a bit more difficult wink
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 11/05/13 02:46 AM

When it comes to good humor, D/B is FULL of it! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/05/13 06:42 AM

And I thank you fellas. I just like a good laugh now and then.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 11/05/13 04:18 PM

Who doesn't love a good joke? A good laugh is always welcome. laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/06/13 02:33 PM

Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/06/13 02:33 PM

Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/06/13 08:05 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
And I thank you fellas. I just like a good laugh now and then.


Me too. Absent something new here, I just find a mirror.
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/06/13 09:08 PM

That's what gets me going in the morning. One look and I'm wondering what happened over night!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/06/13 10:36 PM

Sounds familiar smile
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:22 AM

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:24 AM

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:26 AM

A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. "What's the matter"? The nurse asked as she stood beside him.

Sobbing, the old man cried, "My penis died today", and began to cry hysterically.

The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great loss.

A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his penis hanging freely out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice and asked, "Mr. Jones...I thought your penis passed away a couple days ago."

He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:26 AM

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked

. "Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied, smiling. "Why do you ask?"

"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."

"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:27 AM

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:27 AM

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:28 AM

25 Signs You Are Getting Old

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:32 AM

Words of wisdom….

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11.) Never lick a steak knife.

12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:33 AM

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 12:35 AM

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 02:49 PM

I love that one DB,

Im going to share it with the wife later on!!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/09/13 10:04 PM

OK, now for a volley from a retiree:

Since I am not young enough to know everything, I find it entertaining to ask young folks questions. I inevitably get answers stated as though they were written in stone. smile
-carl
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/10/13 03:52 AM

LMAO
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/10/13 08:35 AM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile
OK, now for a volley from a retiree:

Since I am not young enough to know everything, I find it entertaining to ask young folks questions. I inevitably get answers stated as though they were written in stone. smile
-carl


Yep, and don't dare question their answers. You only get blank stares….
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/10/13 06:11 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
Originally Posted By: Carl Theile
OK, now for a volley from a retiree:

Since I am not young enough to know everything, I find it entertaining to ask young folks questions. I inevitably get answers stated as though they were written in stone. smile
-carl


Yep, and don't dare question their answers. You only get blank stares&#133;.


I see you have had the same experience I have had. I usually respond with: Oh- I forgot who I was talking to. smile
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/10/13 07:25 PM

Damn, I just failed the seniors test. grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/10/13 07:37 PM

Ian-
That means you are not yet a senior smile
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/13/13 10:38 AM

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 11/13/13 11:57 AM

Now THAT is a good one! laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 11/13/13 12:25 PM

I like that one.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/13/13 02:51 PM

Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind the man and dog were about 200 men walking in single file..

Curious, Tom respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

Tom said, "Oh... I'm sorry. What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog bit her and she died."

Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her... and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Tom then sheepishly asked, "Sir... Do you suppose, perhaps, ahhh... I could borrow that dog?"

Pointing behind him, the man replied, "Get in line."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/13/13 03:09 PM

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/14/13 09:22 AM

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it’s affecting his cardiovascular system. He’s a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don’t do the following four things, your husband will surely die”.

“First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.”

“Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.”

“Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.”

“Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed.”

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, “So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.
Posted by: MLemelin

Re: Giggles - 11/14/13 12:22 PM

DB, i love you.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 11/16/13 07:08 PM

Ian and D/B, great ones both!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/16/13 09:22 PM

(spitting coffee), Good ones!
-carl
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:34 AM

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels, although they still cannot watch Breaking Bad on AMC.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are You going to get a lawyer?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:35 AM

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:36 AM

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:37 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:37 AM

The Dalai Lama walks into an ice cream shop. He asks the server, "can you make me one with everything?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:39 AM

...He hands the server a hundred dollar bill, which the server pockets.
Dalai Lama says "Hey, where's my change?"
Server says "Change comes from within."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:42 AM

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:45 AM

This one might have ended up in here before...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:46 AM

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:47 AM

A store that sells new husbands will open shortly in Western Sydney..

Woman may go there to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE !!!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:-

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:-

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs & Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:-

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, & are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:-

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking & Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me !!!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it !!!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:-

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, & Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:-

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:47 AM

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner will also open a New Wives Store just across the street..

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited..
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:50 AM

Three men are all applying for a position at the CIA.

There's only one place available and up to now, they've all been equal on every test, so they have one final deciding assignment, the head of the organisation gives each man a gun and says, "Behind each of these doors are your wives, to prove your true, merciless, killer instinct and to get the job, you have to shoot your spouse!"

Each man walks into their respected doors, after just 10 seconds the first man runs out and says, "I couldn't do it, i just couldn't do it, we've been married 5 years and they've been the happiest of my life."

"Don't worry," says the boss, "apply again next year, maybe you'll be ready then"

After about 2 minutes the second man comes out shaking his head, "I tried and I tried but i just couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger..."

"Try again next year" says the head

Finally after about half an hour, the third man emerges with blood splatted across his face and dripping off his hands

"What happened?!?" asked the boss

To which the man replied, "Some moron filled the gun with blanks so i had to pistol whip her to death"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:52 AM

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Murray?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:54 AM

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers softly, "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your... side-view... mirror."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:55 AM

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:56 AM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:59 AM

Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. That poor bastard.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 12:59 AM

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:00 AM

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church. The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.” The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:01 AM

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:02 AM

A priest, a rabbi, a monk, a prostitute, a gay guy, a horse, an elephant, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this? some kind of joke?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:02 AM

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that."
Her sister asks the same question, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that."
The third sister goes, "mwwaaarrrghh," and the mom says, "What's that, Cinderblock?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:03 AM

A polar bear walks into a bar, sits down and order a "Bicardi and................................................ cola" Bartender asks, whats with the huge pause??? Polar Bear says "These? Born with'em...."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:04 AM

One day, a pastor decides to skip church and go play golf. God and Jesus are sitting up in Heaven watching this happen.
God turns to Jesus and says "Watch this." He twirls his finger, and the pastor hits a very difficult hole-in one.
Jesus is upset and asks God, "why did you do that?"
God grins and says "who's he gonna tell?"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:05 AM

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.
Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it's heading for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it's circling over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth, and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we're not gonna bring you next time."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:05 AM

A wife wakes up in the middle of the night around 4am, her husband is missing from the bed, but she sees a light on coming from the hallway. She walks into the kitchen an finds him there sitting at the table with an open beer that hasn't been drank. She says, "Honey, what's up?" the husband turns and looks at her, "you remember when we were having sex in my car and your father caught us and said, 'son, I'm the chief of police, and you better marry my daughter, or I'll have you locked up for 20 years!" the wife glowingly replies, "of course I remember" "I would've gotten out today."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:06 AM

One of the best marksmen in the police force was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The police man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the police man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:07 AM

Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:08 AM

Originally Posted By: Trumby
One of the best marksmen in the police force was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The police man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the police man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."


It's not funny when it's about me grin
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:09 AM

G'night!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:14 AM

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 01:39 AM

G'night mate. grin

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 07:13 AM

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 08:04 AM

Good ones DT!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/17/13 05:48 PM

(laughing) great stuff guys.
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/18/13 08:55 AM

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I’m on the toilet. Please advise.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 11/18/13 12:39 PM

THAT made me laugh!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 11/18/13 02:13 PM

That is hilarious.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/18/13 05:41 PM

Great one DB. grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/18/13 11:18 PM

I went and listened to a story teller tonight. He had a pretty good observation.....

It's true that men fart more than women. Women don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the pressure to build up.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/18/13 11:22 PM

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/19/13 05:41 AM

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "POOR PLANNING" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should elaborate more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.

You will note in block number eleven of the accident reporting form that I weight 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground?and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighted approximately fifty pounds.

Again, I refer you to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks?in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above? I again lost my presence of mind?I let go of the rope!

Sincerely yours,

James W. Smith
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/19/13 09:08 PM

Origin of Ian's tag line:

Ian goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Ian, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Ian replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Ian “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Ian taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'!"

-carl

Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/19/13 09:12 PM

Carl and Rose, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Carl, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Rose, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/19/13 09:59 PM

I'm not sure how much of a joke that was Carl!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/19/13 10:48 PM

Alls fun in love ..........and war smile

-carl
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:16 AM

I thought the punch line would finish with "and she shot him"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:19 AM

A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.

The tiger lept on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That's because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:20 AM

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:21 AM

That one might have already showed up here...
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:21 AM

An irish farmer sees a welsh farmer with
two sheep under his arms..
and he asks.."are you gonna shear them?
.."Nope"..says the welshman..
.."they"re both for me"..
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:22 AM

One day at a meat shop a dog walks in and the butcher shoos him away. About 5 minutes later he comes back with $10 and a note saying “2lbs of steak” surprised the butcher reluctantly takes the money and hands him a bag with the meat.

As the dog left the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on.

The dog does this for about 3 more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down.

The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this about twice. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded.

The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!”

The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the 3rd time this week!”
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:23 AM

Two little ladies were shopping in the mall when Joanne smiled: "My cat can really play chess!"

With a shocking expression, Angelina praised Joanne's cat: "Really? It must be very smart!"

Just when Angelina finished her sentence, Joanne said:" Well... Actually, I don't know about that. I usually win three out of four times."
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:24 AM

There once were 3 fish (the mom,dad,son) who needed a place to sleep.

The mom slept in the kitchen sink.

The dad slept in the the bathtub.

The son slept in the toilet.

The next morning the dad asked the mom how her night was.

"Okay, but it was a little too small, said the mom"

The mom asked the dad how his night was.

"Just fine. There was a lot of room to swim," said the dad.

The dad asked his son how his night was.

"Horrible!!", said the son. It was raining scat and logs all night long!!"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:25 AM

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:27 AM

A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.

After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.

"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.

The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."

The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!

After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.

As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"

The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:29 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:33 AM

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.


The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:34 AM

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:35 AM

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:38 AM

A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:

Dear God;

Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:40 AM

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named “Governmentium.”

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutron exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

The characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is called “Critical Morass.”

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
Posted by: Dogtired

Re: Giggles - 11/20/13 12:41 AM

Enclosed is my 2000 Tax Return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon paid $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

So, please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw?” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and “screwdrivers.”

Signed,
A Faithful Taxpayer
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/21/13 10:20 PM

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/21/13 10:22 PM

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/21/13 10:26 PM

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/21/13 10:29 PM

A man and his wife check into a cheap hotel. The husband goes down to the bar, but his tired wife goes up to the room to lie down. Suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shakes the room and throws her out of bed. She lies down again, but the same thing happens.

She calls the front desk, and the manager comes up to investigate. The wife says, "Lie here on the bed, you'll be thrown right to the floor."

The manager lies down next to the wife just as her husband walks in.

"What's going on here?" demands the husband.

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/21/13 10:34 PM

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/21/13 10:36 PM

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/21/13 10:41 PM

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/22/13 04:09 PM

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.
When I retired a few years ago,
it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the gun club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the kiosk at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating,
but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse,
so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs,
she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Beretta long barreled shotgun jammed up his arse,
with barely 5 inches of but showing, and a sledge hammer
laying nearby.

His wife, Terri, was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his Shotgun.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/22/13 04:41 PM

Good one Ian!
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 11/22/13 11:19 PM

Those are ALL good! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/23/13 09:15 AM

A Man went the doctor’s office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a triple dose.

‘Why not?’ asked the man.

‘Because it’s not safe,’ replied the doctor.

‘But I need it really bad,’ said the man.

‘Well, why do you need it so badly?’ asked the doctor.

The man said, ‘My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I’ve got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented saying, ‘All right, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.’

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office…his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, ‘Good gawd! What happened to you?’

The man said, ‘No one showed up’.
 
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/23/13 11:41 AM

So this Irishman enters a bar in Boston, sits down and orders 3 beers. The guy next to him says "Hey, how come you're drinking three beers at once?" The Irishman explains that he is one of triplets and since his brothers live overseas, once a month they would each go out and have one beer or each of the others, sort of a living memorial. The Irishman continues to frequent the bar and make friends with the locals, and once a month, sits down and orders three beers, which by now is an oft-told story. All his friends have come to expect this, until one day, on the regular day where he would normally order 3 beers, he orders 2 instead. All the friends see this and are a little concerned. One of them finally approaches the Irishman and asks: "Hey, buddy, is everything all right with your brothers? I mean, we were noticing...well....did something happen to one of them?" The Irishman looks at the guy and says, "Why no, 'dere all fine." "So why only 2 beers, then? I mean, you always have 3...for your brothers....and we thought maybe...". The Irishman looks at him, finally realizes what this buddy is trying to get at, and explains: "Oh, no, me brudders, 'dere alive and well. Dat's who 'dese teo beers is fer. I meself have given up drinkin' fer Lent."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/23/13 05:55 PM

gringrin

Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/23/13 08:40 PM

Chuckle smile
-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/24/13 05:15 PM

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/24/13 09:13 PM

Nice one Ian.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/25/13 09:33 PM

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high

“I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:

“This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them.”

”Well, they are here, and you could have.”

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

“We have the best entertainers from around the world performing here.”

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows.”

“Well, we have them, and you could have.”

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But Madam, this check is for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct, I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”

“But I didn’t!”

“Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/25/13 10:39 PM

THAT is a FOUR GUFFAW joke.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 11/25/13 11:18 PM

Definitely a good one! laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 08:36 AM

I love this thread. I get a good laugh every morning. Keep them coming.
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 12:23 PM

To funny! Thanks for the laughs guys!!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 03:39 PM

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 06:54 PM

A city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well,then,just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey ?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998. "

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 07:08 PM

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 08:13 PM

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"

"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your f...... arse it won't be Coco Pops."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 08:33 PM

Brings back memories of my younger brother and I when we were coming up smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/26/13 09:33 PM

Love that last one Ian!

I still remember the first time swearing at my sister in front of my parents. Didn't have a clue about what I was calling her. Still got smacked anyway!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/27/13 05:45 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
Love that last one Ian!



It gave me a good laugh as well. grin
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 11/28/13 12:55 AM

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he's on her level), and asks:

"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/28/13 03:10 AM

The last 2 are hilarious Ian, thanks for the laugh laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/28/13 04:19 AM

Teacher asks for volunteers to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand. Reluctantly, the teacher calls on him.

"Do farts have lumps?" Johnny asks.

"What? NO!" the teacher exclaims.

"Well then, I have definitely crapped my pants."
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 11/28/13 04:20 AM

A sales man knocks on the door of a house and a kid answers wearing his dad's robe, a fedora, and holding a glass of brandy and a lit cigar. That sales man says "um,hello. Are your parents home?" The kid says "Does it look like they're home?
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 11/30/13 02:46 PM

A husband and wife were driving by some plains when they sighted some wild pigs. The wife jokingly asked her husband," Are those relatives of yours?" Too which the husband replies," Yup! Those are my in-laws!"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 11/30/13 08:50 PM

Ouch!
-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/01/13 10:33 PM

You know you're getting older when...

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/01/13 11:21 PM

Thanks for that one Carl!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/02/13 04:40 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
Thanks for that one Carl!


Y'Welcome- I hit 10 out of 10, you?

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/03/13 02:57 PM

I'm not quite that bad...yet! crazy
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/03/13 03:13 PM

Well, my teeth stay in when I eat a steak. But other than that.....
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/04/13 03:28 AM

Oh, come on Jon; you're just a young Rat! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/04/13 12:20 PM

This is the one causing the most trouble for me:

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/04/13 09:42 PM

Negotiate those contracts!!! crazy
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/04/13 10:26 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
Oh, come on Jon; you're just a young Rat! grin


It ain't the years, it's the miles.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/04/13 10:27 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
Negotiate those contracts!!! crazy


I tried to negotiate that contract today and got taken to the cleaners!
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/05/13 09:00 AM

Cleaners??? I usually end up at the hospital.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/05/13 03:14 PM

Originally Posted By: Joshua R.
Cleaners??? I usually end up at the hospital.


LOL. grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/05/13 04:12 PM

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.”
Ford thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, himself.”

The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman?”

God says, “Ah, yes.”

“Well,” says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmm..” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Henry Ford, “but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/06/13 02:55 PM

Sad but true. LOL
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/07/13 11:29 AM

Another good one! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/13 10:37 PM

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/13 10:42 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/13 10:44 PM

30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid


*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/13 10:45 PM

Bumper Stickers We'd Like To See:


18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!"

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."

7. Heart Attacks..God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. This one is for L_G, hehe.

5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you..

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!!

AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!

1. Welcome to America...now speak English
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/13 10:46 PM

Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card


1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."

20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"

23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/13 10:54 PM

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.'
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/08/13 10:57 PM

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes


Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 02:14 AM

All good ones D/B!!! laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 08:50 AM

Thanks for the laugh.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 09:11 AM

^ I agree! This thread rocks! Always nice to have a good laugh in the morning smile Thanks fellas.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:32 PM

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.

Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.

After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.

Afterward, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:34 PM

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:39 PM

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an assh*le!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'assh*le' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an assh*le!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'assh*le' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an assh*le!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW assh*le too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an assh*le." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1.

"Hello." "You're an assh*le!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Assh*le, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, assh*le."

Then I called Assh*le #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, assh*le," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, assh*le, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better!

Anger management at it's very best.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:40 PM

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:41 PM

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:42 PM

California's Drivers License Exam


For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:43 PM

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:45 PM

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse . She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied under oath:

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."

She was acquitted of all charges...... That's the way it is in Texas!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/09/13 10:46 PM

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.

'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he Said,

'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 04:23 AM

Age and treachery will overcome youth and arrogance every time! grin
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 08:51 AM

Those were some good one. I think Carl and Ian will like the old explorer one. LOL
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 03:06 PM

I do, Josh, but the wheelbarrow joke got to me most. I laughed so hard I ....... you figure it out.
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 03:24 PM

Yep, that happens when you get older. Be careful about laughing too hard!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 04:46 PM

DB-
smile


-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 04:58 PM

Originally Posted By: Joshua R.
Those were some good one. I think Carl and Ian will like the old explorer one. LOL


LMAO. grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 05:30 PM

LMAO, very funny!! The wheelbarrow and the old reporter both had me rolling!!
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 12/10/13 06:21 PM

Someone has tried it laugh

Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 08:55 PM

But Hogs are fine!!! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 11:01 PM

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 11:02 PM

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 11:06 PM

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 11:09 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know....you left your Injun running.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 11:13 PM

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 11:17 PM

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/11/13 11:19 PM

Rules of the South


Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/13/13 12:29 AM

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/13/13 08:56 AM

Thanks for the early morning laugh. Those were some good ones.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 12/13/13 06:22 PM

Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 12/13/13 06:24 PM

That rules of the south one is hilarious, im from Gainesville Florida smile
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/13/13 11:46 PM

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/14/13 02:59 AM

That cracked me up!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/14/13 08:29 AM

That was hilarious.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:28 PM

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man,

"book my wife for next Tuesday!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:31 PM

The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:33 PM

Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:34 PM

Laughin' DB, and coughin' as well. That is elder abuse.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:36 PM

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:40 PM

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my johnson but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:41 PM

Heap of difference there smile smile smile Scrotum/Sternum
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:42 PM

Yes, yes it is.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/23/13 10:44 PM

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/24/13 01:02 AM

Good ones D/B! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/25/13 10:28 PM

A History of Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2013:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/25/13 10:29 PM

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/25/13 10:30 PM

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/25/13 10:31 PM

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years old can't do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/25/13 10:33 PM

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/25/13 10:44 PM

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 12/27/13 01:08 PM

I like the Einstein joke.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 12/28/13 01:45 PM

I like the Harvard R&D joke! blush
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 12/29/13 01:10 PM

Tips for Rednecks

General
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re completely certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

3. Belching “to make room for dessert” is frowned upon.

Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

3. Waking the children to come out so you can show guests “they ain’t got no birth defects” is impolite. (And bringing them out to show guests that they do have them is considered very rude.)

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. (However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.)

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving
1. When sending your date down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

2. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 12/29/13 02:13 PM

"Driving
1. When sending your date down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to also bring back beer."

I might have to object to this one. The Beer will counterbalance the gas and relieve strain on her spine.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/02/14 06:08 PM

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/02/14 06:09 PM

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 19-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 01/03/14 09:10 AM

Good ones.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/06/14 08:57 AM

A man goes into a bar, takes a seat, and orders five shots.
The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar.

The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, “Four shots, please!”

The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar.

The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back.

“Two shots!” he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, “One shot bartender.”

So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, “You know, it’s a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/07/14 12:46 AM

Good lessons for all the young single guys....like Josh! laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/13/14 10:42 PM

Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/14/14 10:46 AM

My wife and I both laughed at this at first, then we just shook our heads in disappointment at the mentalities. crazy
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/14/14 11:00 AM

Yea i was like where did they find these people...

I did crack up when she told the man the word Coachella stood for dumb white guy. That was the best part.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/14/14 01:33 PM

Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/14/14 01:52 PM

Other than the baseball bat, that looks like my one cat and I just about every morning! crazy........................... laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/14/14 02:37 PM

And thats why im a dog person LMAO
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/14/14 05:25 PM

I have both: Two cats and one dog, but I also have birds.

Our house works like this: Birds awake at dawn, incite the cats to riot which angers the dog. Now we have pandemonium manor, which awakens Rose.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/15/14 08:38 AM

My wife can put it on "ignore", but they hound me until I get up and feed them. smirk
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/15/14 12:22 PM

My dogs are all well north of 100#. When they jump on the bed to wake you up, you notice it. Especially when one of them in particular walks on you and steps on something that should never be stepped on.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/15/14 04:07 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
My wife can put it on "ignore", but they hound me until I get up and feed them. smirk


Im pretty sure women fake that "ignore" crap LOL

When my kids come in the room to wake us up the wife will act like she dont hear them, sometimes i try and beat her at her own game but she can ignore them a lot longer than i can LMAO
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/15/14 05:04 PM

EXACTLY!!! smile
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/16/14 11:42 PM

Where are the joksters?

We need some more laughter laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:20 AM

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.
No further testing is planned.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:20 AM

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:21 AM

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:25 AM

Marriage Quotes By Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:26 AM

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:28 AM

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”. She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:38 AM

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:40 AM

A city slicker went duck hunting down south on a friend’s property, but the first duck he shot fell across the fence line onto the neighbor’s property. Looking around, he saw no one else near so he hopped the fence to retrieve the duck.

As he headed back for the fence, the very old neighbor races up in an old pickup truck and asked him what he was doing with “his” duck.

The city guy says, “I shot him but he fell over here on your property, so I was just retrieving it.”

“Well that makes it my duck,” the old man says. “But since you insist on that being yours, we’ll just settle this the old country way – we’ll fight for it.”

The younger, stronger, and bigger city fella figures he can easily take the frail older man, so he agrees.

“But we gotta fight by country rules,” the old man says.

“I get the first three hits,” he says, “and the first one to quit loses the duck. ok?” The younger man figures he can absorb three hits from the old guy first, so he agrees.

Before he can even set the duck or his shotgun down, the old man runs up and kicks the younger man in the groin with his heavy work boots. As he doubles over in excruciating pain, the old man kicks the guy in the side of the head, knocking out two teeth. Once the younger man falls to the ground, the old man kicks him in the ribs and the young man spits out blood and winces as he tried to breathe in.

Staggering to his feet, bloodied, breathless, and missing two teeth, the younger man smiles slowly as he plans his first hit on the old guy. “You’re in for it now, old man,” he rasps over the gaps in his teeth.

The old man slowly backs away and smiles as he says, “Nope, I quit – you can have the duck.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:41 AM

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."

"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.

"You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:42 AM

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.
At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything.
He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. “I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”
But the priest said, “Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:44 AM

The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
Wife: “Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?”
Juanita: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.”
Wife: “Who said that you iron better than me?”
Juanita: “Your husband said so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Juanita: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?”
Juanita: “Your husband did.”
Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Juanita: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are.”
Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”
Juanita: “No Señora…….the gardener did.”
Wife: “Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:44 AM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the lady’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:45 AM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old Muslim woman says.”You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:50 AM

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.
Posted by: MLemelin

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 12:51 AM

That last one DB... I lolled.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 08:43 AM

Definitely a good one! grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 08:44 AM

Thanks DB i have been cracking up over here!!
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/17/14 08:46 AM

The wife must be a blonde. grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:02 PM

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:03 PM

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:06 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE PISS."

To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:07 PM

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.

The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"You probably could, if you took 2 pills", said the first man.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:11 PM

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet.
SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM - Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
SOLUTION - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
SOLUTION - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM - Mouth contains cigarette butts.
SOLUTION - You have fallen forward. See above.

SYMPTOM - Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
SOLUTION - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM - Floor blurred.
SOLUTION - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM - Floor moving.
SOLUTION - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM - Room seems unusually dark.
SOLUTION - Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM - Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
SOLUTION - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM - Beer is crystal-clear
SOLUTION - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.

SYMPTOM - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
SOLUTION - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
SOLUTION - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM - Your singing sounds distorted.
SOLUTION - The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM - Don't remember the words to the song.
SOLUTION - Beer is just right. Play air guitar.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:12 PM

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:15 PM



An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:17 PM

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:18 PM

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:20 PM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and to send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman or Govenor."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:21 PM

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:21 PM

His four children were gathered around Mr. Stanley's deathbed.

As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans.

One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack.

All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Stanley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight.

"Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're all bastards?"

Mr. Stanley said, "Yes. And cheap ones too!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:22 PM

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''

''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 03:25 PM

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.

The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.

The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 04:21 PM

DB-
You are a riot.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 05:12 PM

That's for sure!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 10:31 PM

I do what I can. I just like a good laugh.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/19/14 10:56 PM

Hilarious!! Thanks man
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/20/14 12:02 PM

Either D/B carries a recording device or he has one Hell of a good memory! grin I can't remember a joke you told me five minutes ago. blush
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/20/14 09:43 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
Either D/B carries a recording device or he has one Hell of a good memory! grin I can't remember a joke you told me five minutes ago. blush


DB is a clever sort, likely an android with 100 terabyte memory and subsecond access. What is puzzling is where the sense of humor originated. smile

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/21/14 04:28 AM

Either way, the humor certainly brightens the day! grin
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 01/21/14 04:49 AM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
Either way, the humor certainly brightens the day! grin


I agree with that. grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/21/14 05:22 PM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile

DB is a clever sort, likely an android with 100 terabyte memory and subsecond access. What is puzzling is where the sense of humor originated. smile

-carl


I'm not sure where it comes from either. Probably some dark recess of my brain that is starved for oxygen.

At least ya'll think I'm funny. My wife would say otherwise.....
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/21/14 05:58 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
Originally Posted By: Carl Theile

DB is a clever sort, likely an android with 100 terabyte memory and subsecond access. What is puzzling is where the sense of humor originated. smile

-carl


I'm not sure where it comes from either. Probably some dark recess of my brain that is starved for oxygen.

At least ya'll think I'm funny. My wife would say otherwise.....


Wives are supposed to do that. We, on the other hand, don't have to live with you- so we can encourage such behavior smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/21/14 10:16 PM

Glad to hear that. And to think of all the jokes I've edited out for content.... cool
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 05:47 PM

Well, rules are rules. wink
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 09:49 PM

And I'm generally one to follow the rules.....
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 09:49 PM

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 09:49 PM

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 09:53 PM

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 09:56 PM

Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 10:01 PM

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 10:03 PM

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 10:05 PM

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 10:06 PM

about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 10:12 PM

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 10:13 PM

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/23/14 10:17 PM

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/24/14 10:36 PM

Ain't it the truth!!?!! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 07:40 AM

1. Don’t sweat the little things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went into the bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” and she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a Parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly walk without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock petrol bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animals crackers?
18. If police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right ti remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchrnized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an ‘s’ in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Posted by: MLemelin

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 07:47 AM

Some pretty good one DB!

And a special for you:

What is the main mean of contraception for a sound guy?









wait for it










a little more






His personality.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 08:53 AM

Good one.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 03:49 PM


A cop is staking out a Bikie Clubhouse. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets on his bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breath test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, “How is this possible?”
The Bikie says,”Tonight I’m the DESIGNATED DECOY.”
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 03:59 PM

A Kiwi walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi! I hate being on welfare, I’d really rather have a job.”

The clerk behind the desk says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.

The Kiwi says, “You’re bullshitting me!”

The Centrelink officer says, “Yeah, well, you started it”.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 04:03 PM

Dear Admin

I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me. If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife goes out with the girls a lot and has been working at doing lots of overtime at her office.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When my wife got home, she climbed out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse and then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, hiding there, crouched behind my boat, I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

My question is, Can I weld that or do i need to replace the whole bracket.

Yours sincerely
Gone fishin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 05:18 PM

I like that last one Ian!
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/25/14 11:40 PM

Heard lots of versions of this but not this version

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,

One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralyzed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/26/14 02:16 PM

I wasn't there, but 'twas a 'ell of a fight.

-carl
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/26/14 02:47 PM

LMAO Carl, The version i grew up hearing went like this..

Here ye here ye,
Admission free, pay at the door.
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
As you stand before me and sit behind me
Let me tell you a story I know nothing about.

In the middle of the day evening of the night,
2 dead boys got up to fight,
They stood back to back and faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf cop heard the noise,
went and shot the 2 dead boys
And if you dont believe this story is true
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.


Similar but different. There are lots of versions of this though. I think i have heard or read about 7 different ones.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/26/14 03:21 PM

WW-
Like you, I've heard several versions. And, since I never drink unless I am alone or with someone, I even think I saw the whole thing played out once. That is the reason I seldom drink anymore.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 12:03 AM

The question is....do you drink any less?!!!? laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 02:52 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
The question is....do you drink any less?!!!? laugh


Only twice a year, interrupted by two months of total sobriety.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 03:02 PM

That's good to know! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 10:18 PM

And don't show up on those 2 months off. He's a right bit ornery then....
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 10:22 PM

Grin

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 10:33 PM

That's what happens when the blood gets too thick.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 10:38 PM

...not enough antifreeze

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 10:41 PM

Well, alcohol does make good antifreeze, so really you are just being prudent during winter.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 01/28/14 10:43 PM

My thought EXACTLY. A survival tactic wink

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 09:15 AM

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”
The man replied “a burger and a coke.” “And you?” “I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies.

They finish their meal and pay.

“That will be $4.50,”

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Friday.

“The usual?” she asked. “No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”

“Me too.” says the ostrich. They finish and pay. “That will be $10.95&#8243;

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”

“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

“Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”

“I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.”

“Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”

“Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 02:27 PM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 05:59 PM

This young woman walks into a big NYC bank and says to the teller that she wants to take out a loan for $5000 so she can go to Europe for a week. The teller says, "we'll need collateral for a loan of that size for this purpose." The woman takes out the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom, and says "I'm sure that this will be more than suitable"

The teller immediately calls his supervisor, who calls his boss, who has some one check out whether the car was stolen, but it turns out this young woman legally bought that car from a reputable dealer earlier that day. So they accept the car as collateral, parking it in the bank's garage and securing the keys in the vault. The woman takes her money and goes to Europe.

She comes back a week later and says that she'd like to pay back the loan and get her car back. So she pays back the $5000 plus $5 for the interest.

The teller says, "We ran a background check on you, and you're very wealthy already. Why did you take a loan for a week long trip to Europe and put a Rolls Royce as collateral?"

Looking up from her check book the woman says, "Where else in NYC can I pay $5 to park my Rolls Royce for a week and expect it to be there when I get back?"
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 06:00 PM

Guy's cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.

"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."

"What?! You're intoxicated?"

"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."

"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."

"Well I would but it's in the glovebox where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."

"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."

Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, says

"Sir, please open your trunk."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle.

"Please show me your glovebox."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.

"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."

Guy blows a .00

"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glovebox and were drunk."

Guy says

"Hah, I bet he said I was speeding, too."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 10:59 PM

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 11:01 PM

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 11:03 PM

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 11:06 PM

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 11:09 PM

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?”
The Vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/29/14 11:16 PM

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 01/30/14 09:11 PM

That last one is hilarious.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 01/30/14 10:50 PM

Originally Posted By: Joshua R.
That last one is hilarious.


I agree, it's a great one. grin
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/31/14 03:03 AM

I like the mule joke!!! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 01/31/14 10:12 AM

Life just gets better as you get older doesn’t it?
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to the music on my I-pod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 01/31/14 03:39 PM

Good one!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 01/31/14 05:43 PM

Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 01/31/14 05:54 PM

Aint that the truth.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 01/31/14 06:42 PM

True story WW!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/01/14 08:20 AM

For my Aussie brothers......

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ass and said
“Give me your number, sexy.”

I replied “Have you got a pen?”

She smiled and said “Yes.”

I replied, “Well you better get back in it, before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/01/14 03:54 PM

Coffee all over the keyboard........


-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/01/14 06:00 PM

Oldfolk lore:
Notice that baby diapers are called huggies, Luv's, and pampers
while old folks diapers are called Depends.
That is because when babies crap their pants they will still be
hugged, loved, and pampered. If old folks crap their pants, continued
affection depends upon the size of the inheritance.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/01/14 06:11 PM

A couple of great ones there! grin
Posted by: Tristine

Re: Giggles - 02/04/14 10:08 AM

Hilarious!
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 02/04/14 10:30 AM

To funny.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/04/14 01:15 PM

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl was mesmerized by the whole spectacle.
Finally, she leaned over and whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother explained, trying to keep it simple.

The youngster thought about this for a while.

“So then, why,” she finally asked her mother after putting the pieces together, “is the groom wearing black?”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/04/14 03:48 PM

Thoughtful, perhaps astute little girl. smile
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/07/14 10:36 PM

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!” All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/08/14 01:20 AM

Excellent laddie!!! laugh grin laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 02/08/14 09:14 AM

That is funny.
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 02/08/14 12:18 PM

I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Great joke!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/09/14 08:10 AM

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Edmonton were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electricity went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all married men exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/09/14 05:24 PM

She must be blonde!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/09/14 10:37 PM

Oh, you know her? smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/09/14 11:04 PM

Klink knows ALL the ladies.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/10/14 09:03 AM

Well, I try!!! grin laugh grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/14 10:36 PM

Mary was driving home from work when she noticed a Policeman following her.
“Pull over!” the cop announced.

Mary pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.

“You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma’am,” the police officer said. “You are also not wearing your seat belt. I’m going to have to write you a ticket.” He then wrote her $25.00 ticket.

Back home, Mary was wondering how she was going to explain this to her husband who would no doubt notice the fee in their checkbook. Suddenly she had a bright idea.

Opening the checkbook register, she made the following entry: One Pullover, $25.00.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/11/14 10:38 PM

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/12/14 07:21 AM

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!”

At this the Texan drawled “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.”
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 02/12/14 10:42 AM

Spit coffee on the key board on that last one.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/12/14 07:35 PM

That IS great!!! grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 12:19 PM

I seen this picture and immediately thought of Klink grin

Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 05:55 PM

I brought Laffy Taffy into the shop for Valentine's today and told everyone that they had to read the jokes on their Laffy Taffy before they ate it. The best one was one that Pokey read and burst into a long laughing fit after reading. It goes as follows...

Why do cow wear bells around their necks?





Because their horns don't work. smile
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 06:08 PM

That blondwith the leather mini skirt cracked me up. grin

They are all good though.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:11 PM

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?

"Ten boys."

"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."

"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I calls him by his last name."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:12 PM

Sad thing is The town I grew up in had a family like that. The dad and 3 sons all had the same name.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:13 PM

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!"

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:13 PM

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:14 PM

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:17 PM

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." . So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite .. shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:27 PM

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:28 PM

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my arse on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:30 PM

For our Aussie friends..... cool


An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:32 PM

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the trout back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket."

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:33 PM

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:35 PM

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

isnt the World Great!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/14/14 10:40 PM

Strange and Funny Tombstones


Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast. .
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

****************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/15/14 08:10 AM

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long, not because they look nice, but because they can dig them into a boy’s arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the DVD after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/15/14 10:25 PM

Ain't it the truth! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/16/14 07:42 AM

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise? I don’t think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/16/14 03:35 PM

Such wisdom! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/16/14 03:35 PM



Right on Brudda smile I'd say that hits the mark.

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/16/14 08:32 PM

Two drunk mates are walking along... one drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunken mate stops and looks at his drunken mate and says "Mate you are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while then they came upon another drunk walking, they stopped him and ask him "Mate, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here." grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/16/14 09:14 PM

I love that response. smile

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/17/14 10:17 AM

Sounds like he was from Missouri! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/18/14 09:44 AM

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I ould have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 07:46 AM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the Obama Voter decided to go home. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her father’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her father’s advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 04:00 PM

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re beautiful.’ Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re cute..’ The wife was disappointed because instead of ‘beautiful,’ it was now ‘cute.’

She asked, ‘What happened to beautiful?’

The man replied, ‘The drugs are wearing off.’
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 04:20 PM

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wear this – ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’ll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

30. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing’s happened. I’m starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.

31. Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.

32. My GPS says “Estimated Arrival Time.” I see “Time to Beat.”

33. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary
smart”.

34. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

35. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

36. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?”

37. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards?

38. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 04:24 PM

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon.

Billy Bob say’s,”Ya know, I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as where to go.
”Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn’t get pregnant again.”

Lester asks Billy Bob. ‘So what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, ‘This year I’m taking Betty Sue WITH me.”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 04:37 PM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles..

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 04:42 PM

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.” His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ”Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says,”Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 04:43 PM

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say… LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 04:46 PM

1. . Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated withgreaseyour nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get abusy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flattire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jellysandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

18. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 05:07 PM

Great ones Jon!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Lora

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 06:39 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles..

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’


This is hilarious!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 02/21/14 07:17 PM

Originally Posted By: Lora

This is hilarious!


Your not wrong!

I just about cracked up when I read that one. grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/23/14 06:22 PM

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/23/14 06:24 PM

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/23/14 06:27 PM

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.

Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 02/23/14 07:35 PM

I think i head that last one before, but its funny again smile

The airline one was just hilarious!! I laughed so hard on that one.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 02/26/14 02:16 PM

A very small, mousey man was hired as a bartender in the Old West.
The saloon owner advised him, “If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life.”

The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, “Big John’s a-comin’!”

In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner. “Gimme a drink,” he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist.

The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man.

He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave.

Realizing that the man wasn’t hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he’d like another drink.

“Ain’t got no time,” the man roared. “Big John’s a comin’ to town.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 02/26/14 05:23 PM

Another great one!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 02/26/14 09:47 PM

Big John, huh.......

[img http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Hale_Description_3462.jpg[/img]

smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/14/14 07:14 AM

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/15/14 10:13 PM

la profesora did the judging, I'd guess. smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/16/14 04:01 PM

Luigi was way off shore in a little ten foot fishing boat and the motor wouldn’t start, the anchor couldn’t reach the bottom and the little boat kept blowing further off shore.

The only safety device he had on board was an old hand held 2 way radio, after playing around with it for a while he managed to get it to work.

Then making a number of calls on the 2 way, calling help me, help me, I am a Luigi and I need a your help. After a while a scratchy sound came back saying Captain John Smith flying Fokker Friendship F27, What is your problem? Come back.

I’m a Luigi, and my little boat is a filling with water and she will a sink.
Again silence then a message came back. Captain John Smith flying Fokker Friendship F27, What is your location, come back?
I’m a Luigi, please a help me! I’m a going to Drown, my little boat is a sinking.

Again silence, and then another scratchy message, Captain John Smith flying Fokker Friendship F27, What is your location? Come back.
By this time Luigi is getting frantic, so he replies, I don’t a want a you fokka friendship, I just want a your fokka help.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 03/17/14 04:59 AM

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops all day and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older and wiser, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter
.. .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20.DID I POST THESE BEFORE..........??????
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/17/14 06:23 PM

Man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says “Single are you?”

The man replies very sarcastically “How did you guess?”

She replies “because you’re ugly.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/17/14 07:31 PM

Hey-

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor took one look at me and slapped both of my parents ...and I'm married.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/18/14 07:38 AM

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”

They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I farted and a house blew up!”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 03/18/14 11:48 AM

Now THAT'S funny!!!!!!!!!!!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 03/20/14 04:34 PM

I cant get it to show here but this is a funny knife video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqoPXC60l_s#t=76
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 03:29 PM

An Australian Bush Christmas Poem!


'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.
Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.

We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,
Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,
While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,
Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;
Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,
snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,
But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.

The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,
And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,
Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.

Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,
And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.

'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!
On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,
I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,
With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,
Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.
A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,
And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!
And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly
Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,
And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,
To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.
And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package he left for our Mum,
Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;
Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-
MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 03:31 PM

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, the group asked the standing bat: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the bat shouts back: "Yoga!"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 03:34 PM

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewilderedly and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 03:36 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, the group asked the standing bat: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the bat shouts back: "Yoga!"


OK, On that, I'll clean the coffee off my keyboard and get to earning my keep. smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 03:36 PM

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 03:46 PM

After living in the remote wilderness all his life, an old bushy decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly BITCH he's runnin' around with!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 05:09 PM

That last one was great Ian!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/23/14 05:51 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
That last one was great Ian!


Ditto.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 08:06 AM

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, “Pull over!”

“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 03:39 PM

Tsk tsk....... wink

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 07:54 PM

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 07:58 PM

A rookie needs a few "freebies" I recon. smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 08:04 PM

A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 08:30 PM

A fella touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The bloke, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, he returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 08:49 PM

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/29/14 09:06 PM

...sometimes the bull wins smile smile smile

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 03/30/14 04:58 PM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile
...sometimes the bull wins smile smile smile

-carl


Great one!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 03/30/14 06:37 PM

Tried to be a good Samaritan last night. We were at a bar and I noticed a guy at the back table had slid out in the floor so I picked him up off the floor, and offered to take him home. On the way to my car, he fell down three times. When I get to his house, I helped him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he fell down four more times. I rang the bell and said, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 03/31/14 03:27 PM

Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 03/31/14 04:41 PM

I love it! :D^^^
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/31/14 05:04 PM

I to this day pity the first guy that asked my daughter out. The rule was that she could date anyone who first passed my inspection- which meant that he had to find and come to our house before the intended date and sit with me a spell....

We had a short chat, after which I went to my gun case, removed a loaded gun, extracted a round from the chamber, and told him to put that round in his front pocket, and return it to me when he brought my daughter home. The round was 45-70. I immediately rechambered a round and put the gun back in the cabinet.

According to my daughter, every time he put his hands in his pockets, one hand shot back out of the pocket like it had been burned. She was back on time.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 03/31/14 10:04 PM

I like the way you think Carl. That's a good reminder right there!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 03/31/14 11:08 PM

Epilogue:

That fella dated my daughter for about 2 years. We chatted about the initial meeting and he reported being scared to death I would come hunting him. After saying I would, we chuckled a bit. By then he knew me better and knew I expected him to take care of her like I would. smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 08:04 AM

What deep thinkers men are… I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 12:53 PM

Sound wisdom!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 08:50 PM

Good productive use of time, DB. Now I can cross that dilemma off my list. wink

-carl
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 09:42 PM

That is just plain ole funny.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 10:20 PM

Sounds about right to me as well. grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 10:24 PM

More on men "deep thinking":

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 10:30 PM

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the
driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 10:34 PM

And so ends the "deep thinking man" smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 10:35 PM

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The
neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.
I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"

"Well", says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/07/14 10:39 PM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile
And so ends the "deep thinking man" smile

-carl


But then I repeat myself..... smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/08/14 06:40 AM

I like the cat one, but I'm surprised the guy was asking for directions.

My wife just says I'm stubborn.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/08/14 02:55 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
I like the cat one, but I'm surprised the guy was asking for directions.

My wife just says I'm stubborn.


...same for me. smile
-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/10/14 09:04 AM

After years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.
The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said ABCDEFGHIJK

“What does that mean?” She asked.

“Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot” he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, “What about IJK?”

He replied: I’m Just Kidding!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/10/14 07:04 PM

lol. Good one. grin
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/10/14 09:42 PM

And hazardous to his health! eek
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/13/14 10:55 PM

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/14/14 07:15 AM

It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.

Bill asks her, “Ummm, What are you up to?”

Judy smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!”

Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.

Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant…. much less a deer. Not 15 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.

As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, “Get away from my damn deer!”

Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.

And again he hears her scream, “Get away from my deer now!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/15/14 07:30 AM

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’ em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/15/14 03:38 PM

Well, THAT was informative. Ian, take note. smile

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/16/14 03:04 AM

Now THAT is a great one Jon!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/16/14 07:11 AM

At a senior citizen’s meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth.
It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn’t like her.

So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother.

So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn’t like her.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/16/14 03:22 PM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 04/18/14 09:59 PM

Thought I'd share an add I found on lawn mowing. grin

When your lawn, becomes a pain in the arse.
You need to call, "Art of Grass"....
We'll be around, as quick as a flash,
We'll mow the grass and take your cash.
When we're finished, all done and dusted.
After we've left, you'll realise,
half ya windows are busted.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/18/14 10:12 PM

Ain't that the truth. smile

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/19/14 12:32 PM

Good one Ian. grin
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 04/24/14 03:27 AM

Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/24/14 05:42 PM

Amen!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/26/14 06:53 PM

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.

If this doesn’t work, beat the shark with your stump.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/26/14 09:05 PM

...and if that doesn't work, problem solved; but do your best to provide hemorrhoids on the way out. smile

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/28/14 02:34 PM

The last great act of defiance! grin
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 04/28/14 06:49 PM

Hopefully he swallows me whole. I will kick the crap out of his internal organs.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/29/14 01:49 AM

The shark would probably spit your whole out! whistle....................... laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 04/29/14 08:54 AM

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 04/29/14 02:39 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
The shark would probably spit your whole out! whistle....................... laugh laugh laugh


Good one, Klink.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 04/29/14 03:54 PM

Good one Jon!!! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 05/04/14 10:26 AM

I’ve never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 05/04/14 01:37 PM



Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/04/14 04:58 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
I&#146;ve never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don&#146;t listen, they don&#146;t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


Just (another) one of those imponderables associated with women. smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 05:20 AM

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

grin
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 05:37 AM

Why Tazers are not allowed in Australia for Self Defence


*Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.* *A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:*

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

*The directions said that:* a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

*Note:* If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

- My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. - The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. - My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. - My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. - I had no control over the drooling. - Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. - I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

*PS:* My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 10:23 AM

GREAT story. I will FAIL to run out and get one, knowing my inclination to test EVERYTHING. smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 05:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Trumby
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

grin


Brilliant. Great one Ian!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 05:52 PM

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! .............She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 05:57 PM

Great one!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 07:21 PM

That is funny stuff.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 09:23 PM

My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms..
"The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Then you should stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 09:46 PM

Too funny.
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 05/05/14 10:26 PM

haha Ian that one was a beaut!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 05/06/14 05:29 PM

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/06/14 05:58 PM

Ian-
Those were great! Rose will love them. smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 05/06/14 06:52 PM

Qantas were doing a health survey of all of their pilots some years ago. One of the questions was "When did you last have sex?".
The nurse wasn't sure how to approach this question with their oldest pilot. Even though he was close to retirement, there were rumors of him being a bit of a ladies man.
When asked the question he told the young nurse "1955".
She was shocked and told the pilot that was a long time ago.
He looked at his watch and said "Why? It's only twenty-one hundred now."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 05/06/14 11:01 PM

A tough old cowboy from out west counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/07/14 07:25 PM

Ian-
These are great. I've started the gunpowder trick. Listen for the bang.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 05/08/14 01:55 AM

Feeling gaseous huh?!!? grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/10/14 10:55 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger & says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo crap. It means someone stole the tent.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 05/10/14 11:04 PM

An oldie but goody!!! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/11/14 04:19 PM

Originally Posted By: Private Klink
An oldie but goody!!! grin


You lookin' into a mirror? smile
-carl
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 05/12/14 02:10 AM

We seen an older lady wearing a funny shirt earlier today...

On the front it said "Attract him with your beauty"

And on the back it said "Keep him with your booty"

Me and the wife got a good laugh from it.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 05/13/14 02:32 AM

It deserves a good laugh! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/13/14 07:46 PM

Thought I ought to put this where it belongs...

http://www.landbigfish.com/salmon1.asf

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 05/13/14 09:31 PM

Now Carl, that is GREAT!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 05/13/14 09:56 PM

That is one of my all time favorites.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 05/17/14 01:44 PM

A father asks his son, age 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 05/18/14 08:09 PM

There's always blades....

smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 05/21/14 05:45 PM

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 05/22/14 11:16 AM

Smart jury! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 06/03/14 01:43 AM

Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 06/03/14 01:45 AM

LMAO!!!!

Thats a good one Ian!!!
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 06/03/14 04:58 AM

For sure! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/03/14 09:01 AM

I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat girl kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. “Hi there, I’m a bit shy. I’m not very good at breaking the ice,” she laughed.

“Have you tried jumping?” I asked.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 06/03/14 12:53 PM

Was that just before she punched you out? laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:21 PM

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:22 PM

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:23 PM

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:24 PM

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it started!”
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:24 PM

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:25 PM

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:26 PM


Drunk Man and a Priest
Date of Joke: Friday, 27th April, 2001

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:27 PM

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 06:27 PM

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 06/06/14 07:44 PM

LOL!!!!

Man that barman one has me rolling!!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/09/14 09:07 AM

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.

“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 06/09/14 10:39 AM

Maybe she was the one in the casket a page back...... smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 06/09/14 08:05 PM

Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.

“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”


lol. grin

I once worked with a fella like that.
The boss ended up working out that he had five grandmas. laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/15/14 08:05 AM

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him and said, “Meow.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 06/15/14 03:04 PM

Good for a laugh! laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 06/15/14 04:24 PM

I liked that last one- caught me by surprise. smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 06/25/14 10:08 PM

A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening.
“I’m feeling so lonely that I can’t stand it.” she said.

“I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?”

“Yes!” he replied enthusiastically.

“Wonderful.” she said. “Would you watch my kids?
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 06/26/14 01:42 AM

Oh............that hurts! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/16/14 11:14 PM

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.”

“Boys, boys, boys!” he scolded. “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex.”

In unison they all replied, “You win!”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 07/18/14 07:27 AM

Now THAT is a good one!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/28/14 09:52 AM

Questions To Ponder
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate freeways in Hawaii?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it’s called shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/28/14 10:13 AM

Great ones, DB. That will give me something to ponder all day smile

-carl
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 07/28/14 12:27 PM

MIND BLOWN!!!!
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 07/29/14 02:41 AM

Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 07/29/14 03:21 AM

It's Bad Joke Time.

1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

2. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time !

3. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

4. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 each!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..

5. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

6. I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

7. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself -that guy's heading for a breakdown..

8. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

9. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that; at 2:30 am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

10. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

11. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

12. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend just yet.

13. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?
You're in a wheelchair.

14.. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow.
I said you're obviously not listening.

15. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

16. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

17. I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

18. The wife was counting all the 5 cent's and 10 cent's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

19. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of drinkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

20. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours - believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern...

21. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

22. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

23. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

24. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

25. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

26.Did you hear about the charity pantomime for the paranoid schizophrenic homosexual association?
It went well 'til someone shouted "He's behind you"...
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 07/29/14 09:59 AM

Some of those are painful. LOL
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 07/29/14 06:08 PM

Originally Posted By: Curt

9. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that; at 2:30 am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



lol. Good one. grin

Welcome to the swamp, Curt.

Another sunny Queenslander I see!
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 07/29/14 07:28 PM

Thanks for the welcome mate, I see there's a few Aussies on the forum.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/29/14 09:33 PM

Curt-
Anyone with THAT sense of humor will fit right in, Welcome! smile

-carl
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 07/29/14 11:35 PM

Thanks for the welcome Carl, I've got plenty more jokes to come yet.
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 07/30/14 02:37 AM

Originally Posted By: Curt
Thanks for the welcome mate, I see there's a few Aussies on the forum.


Welcome to the Swamp, Curt. Yep - we Aussies are planning to take over the Swamp one day and move it over here.......lol.

Great bunch of guys here but stay away from the water that bubbles. That is usually Private Klink making more Swamp Gas..... wink
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 07/30/14 03:16 AM

Thanks mate, I think it would be a good move to get the Swamp to Aussie and I'll heed your advice re Private Klink, the only water that bubbles that I go near is XXXX Gold and maybe coke that goes in my rum.
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 07/30/14 10:41 AM

Welcome. Always good to have the Aussies around. I would gladly pack up the family and move to Oz.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 07/30/14 01:47 PM

Curt

Welcome to the Swamp. Like Magoo said, beware of Klink....and the squirrel.
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 07/30/14 05:01 PM

Originally Posted By: Joshua R.
Welcome. Always good to have the Aussies around. I would gladly pack up the family and move to Oz.



Thanks Joshua, the only thing that p..ses me off about Australia is the stupid bloody gun laws we have had forced upon us, which I might add have achieved exactly nothing.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 07/30/14 06:59 PM

Originally Posted By: Curt
Originally Posted By: Joshua R.
Welcome. Always good to have the Aussies around. I would gladly pack up the family and move to Oz.



Thanks Joshua, the only thing that p..ses me off about Australia is the stupid bloody gun laws we have had forced upon us, which I might add have achieved exactly nothing.


No worries, the sheeple here will have their way one day and guns will be outlawed. Like the old saying goes: when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. If that comes to pass before I die I will join the ranks of the outlaw.... smile

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 07/30/14 08:35 PM

Originally Posted By: Carl Theile


No worries, the sheeple here will have their way one day and guns will be outlawed. Like the old saying goes: when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. If that comes to pass before I die I will join the ranks of the outlaw.... smile

-carl


Great philosophy. grin

I haven't resorted to it yet, I'm determined to beat the system by going to all the trouble of crossing the T's and dotting the I's.
Guns are legally available here, they just don't want you to have them. laugh

Now the outlaws, they have the pick of the very best. grin
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 07/31/14 05:47 PM

Irish Explanation.

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today early from my fishing trip.

I get home... and guess what I found?

Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your email!"
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/01/14 07:55 AM

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or “That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 08/02/14 02:07 AM

Eyesight Test.

Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 08/02/14 06:19 AM

Dear oh dear. I will say nothing.......lol.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 08/02/14 01:42 PM

What circle??

Well i guess my secret is out now grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/08/14 06:32 PM

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The young officer answered,” why yes, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.” The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied, “Well, sir, you have no ears.” The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunny said, “Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses.” The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn’t mention my ears.

“And how do you know that I wear contacts?” The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, “Well, sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ####ing ears.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/09/14 02:08 AM

Go Gunny!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 08/09/14 05:57 AM

Nice one, DB ! wink
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/09/14 09:48 AM

That is hilarious.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/09/14 09:49 PM

...so did he get the job? smile

-carl
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 08/11/14 02:43 AM


God Loves Drunk people Too.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding On the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken Stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 AM in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 AM in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about Three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring Rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.




"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 08/11/14 04:20 AM

LMAO !!!!!!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/11/14 08:08 AM

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/11/14 10:49 AM

Now that is HILARIOUS.
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 08/11/14 02:55 PM

SEX AT 73
I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/12/14 04:24 AM

LOL, Carl and I can relate to that. grin
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/12/14 02:10 PM

If Carl can remember what it is you're talking about! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/12/14 05:30 PM

I can, we're both living at 71 looking forward to 73. smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/13/14 07:47 AM

An old couple, who have been married for a long, long time, are living way out in the country. One day, the wife says to the husband, “There’s something wrong with the outhouse. You need to go out and fix it.”
The husband responds, “What are you talking about, woman? There’s nothing in an outhouse except walls, a roof, a door, and a seat with a hole in it. What could possibly need to be fixed… there’s nothing that can break!”

The wife responds, “Just go out there, and you’ll see what needs to be fixed.”

The man goes out to the outhouse, and goes inside. He can’t see anything that’s broken. He shouts to his wife, “Woman, what are you talking about? There’s nothing broken in here!”

She responds, “Just stick your head in the hole and you’ll see what the problem is.”

The man shouts, “I’m not going to stick my head in there!”

“Just stick your head in there!” she shouts back.

The man sticks his head down the hole, and immediately screams, “Ouch! My beard got stuck in a crack in the wood!”

The wife answers, “Hurts, doesn’t it?”
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/13/14 04:31 PM

Too funny.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/13/14 04:54 PM

De pain! De pain! grin
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/13/14 06:39 PM

That's a bit like the old bushy that was doing his necessaries in the bush and started screaming.

An old Rabbit trapper walked up and said shut up you fool, your scaring all the game away. The bushy said I can't help it, I'm in so much pain I'm paralyzed.
The trapped said, well that's your bloody fault, you probably cost me a rabbit with that trap your sitting on.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/13/14 07:33 PM

Ouch!!!

-carl
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 08/14/14 07:41 PM

A Queensland Drover
An explanation first...A drover in Aussie is an experienced stockman who moves livestock, usually cattle or sheep over long distances...now back to the story......

A Drover appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit ?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the Stockman offered.

'On a trip out the back of Longreach in Western Queensland, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked him in the arse, knocked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you bastards or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

“A couple of minutes ago”.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/14/14 08:12 PM

Good one Curt.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/15/14 05:50 AM

Great one,Curt. grin
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/15/14 11:11 AM

Very good.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/16/14 05:55 PM

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of whiskey, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and $%#@ the cat."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/16/14 06:02 PM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/16/14 07:26 PM

VERY good! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/16/14 08:23 PM

Great ones, fella's. Thanks!

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/16/14 08:46 PM

Good ones Ian!
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/18/14 09:26 AM

Very funny.
Posted by: RobStanley

Re: Giggles - 08/18/14 12:45 PM

I woke up the other night with a start to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the end of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/18/14 12:48 PM

You will survive! wink
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/18/14 12:50 PM

To funny.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/18/14 01:25 PM

So YOU'RE the guy that left her, huh?

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/19/14 04:49 AM

You just NEVER know for sure about Rob! grin
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/20/14 10:01 AM

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida.They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons.”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/20/14 02:12 PM

Martini's in Yuma? THAT is funny.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/20/14 11:51 PM

So are the retired people from Florida!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 08/22/14 03:37 AM

Doctors Advice

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/22/14 03:48 PM

He will probably live to be 100...and smiling all the way! grin
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 03:34 AM

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 03:39 AM

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?."
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 03:42 AM

Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't wear),when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 04:15 AM

That made me laugh!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 10:57 AM

Too funny.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 06:00 PM

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood
blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 06:10 PM

There is a double irony to that last one: The first is obvious, but the second is what will kill the cabby- being compared to Bill who, according to his wife, was perfect.

All great jokes. Thanks.

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/25/14 11:49 PM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?”

“So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK.. Good luck!” “Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 03:36 PM

Yet ANOTHER great one!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 04:21 PM

Game Warden: “Fishing?”
Man without a license: “No. Drowning worms.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank… proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

What’s the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered “brain food?”
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 04:21 PM

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for the weekend. The brunette brings food so they can eat, the red head brings water so they can drink and the blonde brings a car door, so if she gets hot she can roll down a window.
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 04:29 PM

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 04:32 PM

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 04:34 PM

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.
The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 08:00 PM

Good ones. grin
Posted by: elof_alv

Re: Giggles - 08/27/14 09:18 PM

Nice set WW
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/28/14 05:40 PM

Very good W/W!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 08/29/14 07:07 AM

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,’ Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.’
‘Well, in plain English,’ the doctor replied,’ you’re just lazy.’

‘Okay,’ said the man.’ Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.’
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 08/30/14 12:42 AM

Yep'....he's married! laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 08/30/14 01:13 AM

LOL, yea he doesnt wanna tell the wife he is just lazy thats for sure... Otherwise the next trip to the doc will be for something a little more serious.
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/30/14 10:14 PM

Steinbeck, John- The Log from the Sea of Cortez: "Only in laziness can one achieve a state of contemplation which is a balancing of values, a weighing of oneself against the world, and the world against itself"

-carl
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 08/31/14 04:00 AM

British Airways.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'



One Irish passenger yelled...

'FER FECK'S SAKE ........ you should see the back of mine!!!
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 08/31/14 04:17 AM

LMAO. laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 08/31/14 03:36 PM

Very funny. Thanks Curt.

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/01/14 01:24 PM

Good one Curt! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/01/14 01:47 PM

Now that is funny.
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 09/02/14 04:10 AM

I don't know whether this has been up before.

Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/02/14 04:21 AM

LOL!! Thats hilarious!!
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/02/14 09:31 AM

Yep'!!! laugh
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/03/14 10:33 PM

That is the rule for Kodiak Guides: Be able to outrun the folks that accompany you. smile Still hilarious.

-carl
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/03/14 11:08 PM

LOL. good one. laugh

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "Big buggers!" grin
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/03/14 11:37 PM

Smart student! laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/05/14 12:16 AM

Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/05/14 09:29 AM

The ending was a little on the strange side but I have a feeling that there are quite a few people out there that think that way.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/05/14 11:44 PM

Definitely a little wierd! crazy
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/06/14 12:51 AM

Yea the end was CRAZY.. I was like, WAIT.. whats going on HAHAHA
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/06/14 08:13 PM

Yep, definitely weird. grin
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 09/07/14 12:32 AM

His wife was playing around.....

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "I want to know who's been playing around with my wife, and I got eight rounds to deal with the bastard?"


There was complete silence in the bar


... and then a voice from the back of the room called out... "You'll need more ammo!"
Posted by: Magoo

Re: Giggles - 09/07/14 01:27 AM

Now that's funny ! wink
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/10/14 08:42 AM

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

“Could you possibly give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Yep, sure will,” said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
“That’s terrific!” said the cowboy, “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man, “cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Yep, you bet it will,” replied the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“Wow!” said the cowboy, “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here – got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

“No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Nope,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin’ the piano, he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/10/14 07:38 PM

Haha, I just loved that one. Thanks DB. laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/11/14 12:00 AM

Excellent! grin
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/11/14 09:37 AM

Now thats funny.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/12/14 07:45 AM

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff !”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 09/12/14 09:46 AM

To funny.
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 09/12/14 04:36 PM



When Jane Met Tarzan

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had Sex ...

"Tarzan not know Sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what Sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her hard in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 09/12/14 11:22 PM

A Catholic Hairdryer
In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those
teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/14/14 03:06 AM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: worldwood

Re: Giggles - 09/14/14 03:27 AM

Curt that last one was a great one!!!
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/14/14 10:32 AM

Definitions by gender.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n

Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/15/14 11:45 AM

SO true!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 09/28/14 08:26 AM

An elderly couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

His wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake, Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/28/14 03:48 PM

Quote:
You know how to fish!”


LMAO

-carl
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 09/28/14 10:55 PM

Deer Hunting:

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

"Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 09/29/14 06:11 AM

Good one's fellas. grin
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 09/30/14 12:12 AM

That's great Carl!!! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/03/14 05:38 PM

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you, honey,” she says. “What would you like me to bring back for you?”

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

”And what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” she says.

“The one I asked for, an Italian girl!”

“Oh, that,” she says. “Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/03/14 09:31 PM

grin
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 10/04/14 09:17 AM

That one would hurt. lol
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/06/14 06:12 PM

Haha, well he asked for it. grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/06/14 06:17 PM

I apologize in advance for this....


A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an emormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear thats closest to them."No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter, "Thats the female.""The Czech is in the male."

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/07/14 01:18 AM

Oh Carl!!!! shocked........................(actually, pretty good! :D)
Posted by: Joshua R.

Re: Giggles - 10/07/14 02:55 PM

That is horrible Carl. I kinda like it.
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/09/14 04:24 PM

One night the old soldier gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function all around his head, with a hell of a pain over his left ear and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steadily into his eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/09/14 06:00 PM

Good one!!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/15/14 06:23 PM

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house!”
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/15/14 07:29 PM

Oops..... smile

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/16/14 03:22 AM

Clever man! laugh
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/16/14 06:30 AM

he story of a Physics student who got the following question in an exam:

“You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper? ”

He answered: “Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down’ till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string”.

The examiner wasn’t satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:

“Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics? ”

“Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground……”

“Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again? ”

“Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top……”

“..another try? ….”

“Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper…..”

“….and again? ….”

“walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells.”

“…One more try? ”

“Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say’ Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice Barometer, will you tell me the height of this building? ”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/16/14 09:53 AM

Or use "Google"! grin
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/18/14 07:19 PM

Insufficient data. At what altitude is the base of the building?

Although the barometric pressure decline (as you ascend) is near linear, there is a slight angle change at one altitude (I could look that up if required). smile

-carl
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/19/14 08:22 AM

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. “In 1942,” he says, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember,” he continues, “one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
At this point, several of the children giggle.

“I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me.”

At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company.”

“That’s true,” says the pilot, “but these nazi fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.”
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/19/14 01:46 PM

laugh laugh laugh That's GREAT!!! grin
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/19/14 02:52 PM

Good one,DB grin
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/19/14 03:07 PM

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $100,000 in my savings account at the bank."

The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100,000 distributed?"

The spinster said, "As I have told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly noticed me, so I'd like to spend $95,000 on my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $95,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression! But tell me," he continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining 5,000?"

The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, "But I'll see what I can do and get back with you."

That evening the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

The next morning she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up in a couple of days! She's going to let the County bury her!"
Posted by: Trumby

Re: Giggles - 10/19/14 03:10 PM

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know your old when you realize that caution is the only thing you want to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know until the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Posted by: Drumrboy

Re: Giggles - 10/19/14 06:29 PM

Those are a couple of good ones Ian!
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/19/14 09:57 PM

Great ones, Ian, LOL

-carl
Posted by: Private Klink

Re: Giggles - 10/20/14 01:57 PM

For sure!!! laugh
Posted by: Curt

Re: Giggles - 10/21/14 08:04 PM

IRISH JOKES!!!!

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, From London !"
Posted by: Carl Theile

Re: Giggles - 10/21/14 09:15 PM

I love them all- been a long time between Mick and Paddy jokes.

-ca