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#52143 - 04/15/19 05:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, “Irving, I need a favor - I’m sleeping with the rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?” Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, “Irving what are you really up to with all this?”

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi “I’m sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder, said “Irving I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#52144 - 04/15/19 06:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go ‘round. Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year ... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven’t heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#52149 - 04/16/19 03:17 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Poor Irving, and smart blonde! laugh laugh
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#52152 - 04/17/19 09:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his Blonde brother and told him, ‘Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.’

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the Blonde brother, “you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#52153 - 04/17/19 10:02 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it ... half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it ... It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer ... Well, Mister, I told her!”

grin grin grin
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#52154 - 04/17/19 10:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A man tells his friend, “I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.”

“What did he say?”

“He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.”

“Did that do any good?”

“No I can’t get the chocolate to light.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#52155 - 04/17/19 10:04 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 each,” says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough,” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#52156 - 04/17/19 10:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other,

“I’ve always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge.”

The other woman looks around and says,”Well, I don’t see anyone around, now’s your chance!”

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to pee, she looks over her shoulder.

“Holly shit!” she exclaims, “I just pissed in a canoe!”

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks down at the stream below.

“Calm down,” she says. “That wasn’t a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#52160 - 04/18/19 09:01 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#52164 - 04/19/19 05:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year-old scotch. Believing that the customer would not be able to tell the difference, the bartender poured him a shot of cheap three-year-old house scotch.

The man took a sip before spitting it out on the bar. “I’m not drinking this!” he complained. “This is cheap three-year-old scotch. Now give me the good twelve-year-old scotch that I asked for!”

Still looking to cut corners, the bartender poured him a shot of a moderate six-year-old scotch.

The man took a sip before once again spitting it out on the bar. “This is just a six-year-old scotch,” he moaned. “I’m not paying for this! Now will you give me the twelve-year-old scotch I ordered?”

The bartender finally relented, and served the man his best quality twelve-year-old scotch.

The entire episode had been witnessed by an old drunk at the other end of the bar. He now walked up to the selective scotch drinker, put a glass down in front of him and asked: “What do you think of this?”

The scotch expert took a sip of the golden liquid and spat it out violently on the bar. “That’s disgusting!” he said. “It tastes like piss!”

“It is,” replied the old drunk. “Now tell me how old I am.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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