header

Page 354 of 356 < 1 2 ... 352 353 354 355 356 >
Topic Options
#51983 - 03/02/19 03:56 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC.

He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, Cop hating, Jihadist.”

The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51984 - 03/02/19 04:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s checkbook!!”

-----------------

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’” Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

---------------

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”

---------------

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and your wife’s picture is not enough!

---------------

For MEN and WOMEN with a bit of humor?? A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

---------------------

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!

---------------

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

----------------------

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because women don’t have a wife!”

-------------------

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

Then a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.

-----------------

A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51985 - 03/02/19 04:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby ... whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked... “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe ... why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”


It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51987 - 03/03/19 02:21 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
^^^ VERY funny!!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#51989 - 03/03/19 02:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian’s headdress stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

“Feathers show number of sexual partners,” the chief replied.

Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, “Him? One woman, one feather. Him?”, pointing to a second, older man, “Three women, three feathers.”
The reporter looked at the Chief’s headdress. “But you have so many feathers!”
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. “Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.”
Horrified, the female reporter said; “You ought to be hung!”
The Chief said, “Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake”
The offended reporter said, “You don’t have to be hostile!”
The Chief replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!”
The reporter cried, “Oh, dear!”

“No deer,” said the Chief. “Ass too high; run too fast.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51990 - 03/03/19 02:36 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, “Well, how was that?” The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?” The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?” The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the aircraft to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer.” The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either. This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter. Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51991 - 03/03/19 02:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.

Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.

And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51992 - 03/03/19 02:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
We’ve just come back from a holiday in Spain; my wife didn’t enjoy it because everyone spoke English and the food was like we eat at home.

Next holiday I want to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff and you can’t understand a word they say!

So I’ve just booked a fortnight in Scotland.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51993 - 03/03/19 02:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51996 - 03/03/19 05:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
A HUGE +1 for the Airbus pilot!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
Page 354 of 356 < 1 2 ... 352 353 354 355 356 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.