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#51920 - 02/06/19 02:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So I asked my wife, Mary, if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him: “How much is that faucet”?

The Manager replied: “That’s a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000.00.”

Mary exclaimed: “My goodness that is an expensive faucet, certainly out of my price range”.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the back room to get one. From the back room, the Manager yelled: “Ma’am, you wanna screw for the hinge?”

Mary shouted back: “No, but I'll be in it for the faucet...”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51923 - 02/07/19 09:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4082
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51924 - 02/07/19 02:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks “Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?” Larry replies “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing”.

The preacher puts one finger in Larry’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry’s head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry “Larry, how is your hearing now?” Larry says “I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51925 - 02/07/19 02:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

“Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51926 - 02/07/19 02:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51927 - 02/07/19 02:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51929 - 02/07/19 09:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'



The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'



The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'



The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,

say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'



The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.



He paused for a moment and then started to leave.



The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'



The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



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Lemon Squeeze



There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said:

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'



The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'



The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'



The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'



The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'



The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



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Catholic Dog



Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'



Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'



Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'



Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



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Donation



Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'



'It is!'



'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'



'I can!'



'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'



'I do!'



'Is he a member of your congregation?'



'He is!'



'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'



'He WILL!!!'



---------------------------------------------------------------------------



Confession



An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:



Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'



Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'



Man: 'What sins?'



Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'



Man: 'I'm Jewish.'



Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'



Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!'



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Brothel Trip



An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.



'I'm 90 years old,' he says.



'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'



'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' May God protect us from senility !!! {ED}



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Pest Control



A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.



'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.



The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.



'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.



'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.



'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.



'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.



The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '



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Marriage Humor



Wife: 'What are you doing?'



Husband: Nothing.



Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'



Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'



------------------------------ -



Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'



Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'



Wife: 'Yes or no.'



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Stress Reliever



Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'



Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'



Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



------------------------------



Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'



Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'



Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'



______________________________ __



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'



'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



------------------------------ ------------------------------



A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'



He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



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Husbands are husbands



A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.



'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,



'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.



The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . ' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.



Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.



Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51933 - 02/08/19 08:01 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4082
Loc: S/W Missouri
Such wit and wisdom! laugh laugh
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#51951 - 02/20/19 02:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some muck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Shit!” he moaned “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!” “Of course you will” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all”.
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51952 - 02/20/19 02:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen’s shoulder and said “Honey? Please, just one more time before I die”. She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we... ?”

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said “Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don’t!”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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