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#51906 - 02/05/19 03:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re an alphabet wife ... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asks... “What the hell does that mean?” He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot”.

She smiled happily and said... “Oh, that’s so lovely, but what about I, J, K?” He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51907 - 02/05/19 03:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, Bruce.

“Bruce, Bruce!” she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

‘Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!’ she said.

‘Crikey!’ Bruce said and tried to pull her up. ‘You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

‘No way. We can’t do it, let’s try Plan B,’ Frank said.

‘Plan B?’ exclaimed Bruce. ‘What’s that’?

‘I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.’ replied Frank.

‘Spot on,’ Bruce said. ‘While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her tits.’’

`Play with her tits?’ Frank said. ‘Not exactly a good time for that, mate!’

‘No,’ Bruce replied. ‘But, I reckon, if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen, where the tiles aren’t so expensive!’
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51908 - 02/05/19 03:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Eldest of three daughters goes to her mother on the eve of her wedding and says “Mom, I’ve got a small problem. I’m marrying Joe tomorrow and he thinks I’m a virgin, but I’m not.”

“Hmm! How many men have you slept with?” asked her mother.

“Only one.” Said the daughter.

“O.K. Here’s an elastic band, just before he gets you into bed, go to the toilet and stick this up your you know where and when it twangs and he asks you what that was, you say it’s alright darling that’s just my virginity going.”

So the wedding goes ahead and on the wedding bed ‘twang’ “What was that”, the new husband asked.

“That was just my virginity, darling.”

And the new husband was happy.

Some time later the second daughter was due to be married, went to her mother and said “Mom, I’m getting married to Frank tomorrow but I’m not the virgin he thinks I am.”

“How many men have you been with” asked the mother.

“Only three” said the daughter.

“Alright, here’s three elastic bands, just before you get into bed on the wedding night go to the toilet and stick these up, when they go ‘twang’ you tell him it’s just your virginity going”

And again all went well.

Then the third daughter came to her mother and said “Mom, you know...”

The mother interrupted “I know, you’re getting married to Bill, he thinks you’re a virgin and you’re not”.

“Bbbut how do you know that.” Stammered the daughter.

“I just know,” said the mother, “how many men have you slept with?

“Oh!god, I lost count”, said the daughter.

“Here stick the whole box of elastic bands up and when they go ‘twang’ and he asks what that was, you just say it’s your virginity going”.

So on the wedding night she goes into the bathroom and stuffs the lot up then climbs into bed.

Soon things get to the critical point when ‘TWANG’.

“What the hell was that?” Shouted the new husband.

“Don’t worry, darling, that was just my virginity going.”

“Well for Christ sake go and catch it” he screamed, “it’s taken my balls with it “.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51909 - 02/05/19 03:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, “My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem.”

“High-speed modem?” questions the judge.

“Yes” replies the lawyer, “It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor.”

“Cybersex?” says the judge, “You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!”

“Secondly, my lord,” continues the lawyer, “My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom.”

“12-speed cd-rom?” queries the judge.

“Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk.”

“And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related ... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling,” comments the judge. “ ‘m appalled at what technology is doing to society these days.”

“Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is.”

“That’s the one with the silicone breasts and real hair,” replies the judge.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51910 - 02/05/19 03:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51911 - 02/05/19 03:30 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
A golfer went to confession and told the priest, “Father, I have sinned. I was playing golf and I said the F word!”

The priest replied, “That is not uncommon, why don’t you tell me what happened.”

“Well,” said the golfer, “On the long par-5 I sliced right into the dense woods!”

“Yes, I can see how that might cause you to say the F word,” murmured the priest.

“Oh no, that wasn’t the cause! Even before the ball stopped rolling, an eagle swooped in, grabbed the ball in its talons, and flew off!

“Oh my! I can see that would almost certainly cause you to say the F word,” cried the priest.

“Oh no, that wasn’t the cause either! The eagle flew toward the green and dropped the ball right in the crack of an oak tree guarding the green!”

“Goodness gracious, anyone would say the F word if that happened!” the priest proclaimed loudly.

“But that wasn’t it, either, because a squirrel picked up the ball, ran with it onto the green, and dropped it just six inches from the hole!”

“Holy crap!” yelled the priest. “Don’t tell me you missed the f####### putt!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51916 - 02/05/19 11:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4082
Loc: S/W Missouri
Those are great too! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51917 - 02/06/19 02:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
During Mr. Clinton’s presidency, it was reported, the President descended the stairs of Marine One, on the South Lawn of the White House, carrying two pigs. The Marine Guards, at the bottom of the stairs, saluted as Mr. Clinton reached the ground. Mr. Clinton, in an expansive mood, turned to one of the Marines, and regaled him with the tale of the pigs.

“Son, these here are two of the nicest Arkansas Razorback hogs I have eve seen. They don’t have pigs like this, anywhere else in the world, and I got two of ‘em, right here! I got one for Hillary, and one for Chelsea! What do you think about that?”

The Marine, rigid in attention, holding his salute, responded after a moment’s thought, “Good trade, sir!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51918 - 02/06/19 02:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says “Did you see that?” “No” the second guy says. “Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead” the first guy says. “Oh” says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says “Did you see that?” “See what?” the second guy asks. “Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there”. “Oh”. A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?” By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says “Yes, I did!” And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51919 - 02/06/19 02:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out “My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!” She replied “My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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