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#51842 - 01/11/19 02:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A cranky older woman “in her senior years” was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches, you old fool.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

“I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store,” she huffed.”

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”

The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am, because I’m going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach.”

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”

The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51843 - 01/11/19 02:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A woman walks into church totally topless and sits down right in the front pew.

The Minister goes up to her and quietly say, “I’m sorry, but you can’t be in her like that.”

She exclaims, “I have a divine RIGHT to be here!”

He says, “You have a very nice left, too, but you still can’t come in here like that.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51844 - 01/11/19 03:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Jack says, “You know what, I bet he will.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair ... Here’s your money.”

Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replies, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Jack took the money.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51845 - 01/11/19 03:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.” The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren” and poof! she’s gone. The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna” and poof! she’s gone. The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini” replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says ‘Sahara Pipeline laid by 2000 men in 3 months’”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51848 - 01/11/19 04:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
^^^ There are GREAT!!! laugh laugh laugh
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#51849 - 01/12/19 01:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51850 - 01/12/19 01:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted “God help me!”, and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?” The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51851 - 01/12/19 01:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
An elderly American gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.” “Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51852 - 01/12/19 01:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
When I was younger, at weddings my older relatives would poke me in the side and say, “You’re next.”

They stopped doing that, when I started doing the same to them – at funerals. grin
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51853 - 01/12/19 01:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
During a pre-op meeting with a patient, an anesthetist popped into the room and told the patient, “Now it’s MY turn to put you to sleep”.

The attending doctor looked puzzled until the patient explained, “I’m his minister”.
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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