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#51824 - 01/06/19 03:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
The set-up is that this is an old couple who been married 50 years, and they’re sitting on their porch at sunset just rocking back-and-forth. Suddenly the wife reaches over with a cane and wacks her husband on his shins. He said “whatcha do that for”?

She said, “that’s for 50 years of bad sex”.

They then sat there rocking for a moment longer, and then the husband reaches over with his cane and wacks her on the shins.

“What’cha do that for”, she said.

He glared at her, then said, “that’s for knowing the difference.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51825 - 01/06/19 03:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
YES, MY DOG BIT 21 PEOPLE, BUT ... IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT MY DOG: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.

YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING TRUDEAU T-SHIRTS.

4 PEOPLE WEARING MORNEAU T-SHIRTS.

2 CAR DRIVERS WITH “SUPPORT THE LIBERAL PARTY” BUMPER STICKERS.

9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THE CRACKS OF THEIR ASSES. SO FOR THE LAST TIME ... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

AND NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING POT, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE BAD TASTE OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51826 - 01/06/19 03:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving...

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. Well, a couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before ... I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block. But, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, since I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it’s in my garage.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51827 - 01/06/19 03:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Two council workers were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51828 - 01/06/19 03:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring round the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in.

The Indian man said to them, “I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Indian man replied, “Just try dem on, Saiheeb.”

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years-raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian’s thighs.

The Indian then began screaming, “YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51831 - 01/07/19 02:59 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Ian, those are GREAT!!! laugh laugh laugh
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#51838 - 01/10/19 05:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
This thread ALWAYS makes me smile...or laugh! grin laugh
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#51839 - 01/11/19 02:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A young lad from Sydney, Nova Scotia goes off to University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. ‘Dad,’ he says, ‘you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Antigonish that could teach our dog “Jiggy” how to talk.’ ‘That’s amazing!’ his Dad says ‘How do I get Jiggy in that program?’ ‘Just send him in here with $1200,’ the young lad says, ‘I’ll get him in the course.’ So his father sends the dog “Jiggy”and $1200.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The young lad calls home.

‘So how’s Jiggy doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm. But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the animals how to read... ‘ ‘Read?!’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in that program?’ ‘Just send $2300. I’ll get him in the class for sure.’

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

‘Where’s my Jiggy? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the young lad says, ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Cape Breton Post. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead working in the bakery at the grocery store?’’ The father groans and whispers, ‘I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!’

‘I sure did, Dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The son goes on to become a successful lawyer and then a Member of Parliament...
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51840 - 01/11/19 02:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Shawn.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes.” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51841 - 01/11/19 02:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?” Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree and says, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?” And thus the tradition of an angel on top of the Christmas tree came to pass.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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