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#51654 - 11/05/18 01:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51655 - 11/05/18 01:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discover that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To fix this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil...

Your taxes are due again in April!
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51656 - 11/05/18 01:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?” “Throw out an anchor, sir”. “What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?” “Throw out another anchor, sir”. “And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?” “Throw out another anchor”. “Hold on,” said the Captain “where are you getting all your anchors from?” “From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51657 - 11/05/18 01:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. “Chocolates?” she asked. “Nope”. “A Cake?” Johnny shook his head “No”. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said “Ah, I know-dill pickles”. “No” Johnny said “it’s a puppy”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51663 - 11/06/18 10:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Gotta' love little Johnny! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51740 - 12/06/18 01:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

‘Excuse me Miss, do ye hae any books on suicide?’

The librarian stops doing her tasks, looks at him - over the top of her glasses and says,

‘Buggeroff, ye’ll no bring it back!’
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51741 - 12/06/18 01:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut”?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left, but did not return that day.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut”?

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left and, again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,”Hey, Bob, do me a favor; follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, ‘So, where does he go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ‘Your house!’
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51742 - 12/06/18 01:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday sermon after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for about ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so badly he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his Wife’s’ teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up...

Chapter 238 »
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51743 - 12/06/18 01:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. “I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” said the first builder. “Looks more like a stockbroker to me.” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. “Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, “I’m a logical scientist.”

“A what?” asked the builder. “Let me explain” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?” A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.” “Well then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?” “A pond” the builder replied.

“Well then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.”

“I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself.” the builder said proudly.

“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married...” The builder nodded again,

“Yes, I’m married and we have three children.” “Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”

“Five nights a week!” the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”

“Never!” the builder exclaimed. “Well there you have it” the man explained, “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!” The builder left, very impressed by the man’s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?”

“Yeah,” replied the first, “He’s a logical scientist.” “A what?” the puzzled second builder asked. “Let me explain” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”

“No” replied his mate.

“Well, you’re a wanker then!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51746 - 12/06/18 03:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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