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#51560 - 09/27/18 04:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51566 - 09/28/18 09:43 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51567 - 09/28/18 04:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
As a butcher is chasing a dog from his shop when he sees $20 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!

The owner responds, “Genius, my arse. It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51568 - 09/28/18 04:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess immediately said, “No!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and went to gun shows and Topless bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and wine and never heard any bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and got to keep his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and had lots of horses and dogs and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had plenty of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51569 - 09/28/18 04:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a “Save the Whales” hat, and a “To Hell with Bush” T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear’s chest ... The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other carefully placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he told them. “I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies “Who was that guy?” “It was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn’t know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51574 - 09/29/18 03:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
The Republicans KNOW how to hunt! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51576 - 09/29/18 03:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51577 - 09/29/18 03:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.” The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.” The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.” The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?” The old man said, “I thought it was a fart ... but I was wrong, too!”...
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51581 - 10/01/18 07:57 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Sounds like he has arthritis in the knees too! crazy
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51653 - 11/05/18 01:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having sex with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.”

The man get in the closet and little Johnny says: “Dark in here isn’t it?”

The man is startled but then calms down. “Yes it is.”

“Do you want to buy my baseball glove?”

“No.”

“I could go to my dad.”

“Fine. How much?”

“200$”

“Fine.”

This happens again later in the week.

“Dark in here isn’t it?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

“Do you want to buy my baseball bat?”

“How much?”

“300$”

A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.

“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.”

“For how much?”

“500$”

“That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.”

They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.

“Dark in here, isn’t it?”

The reverend says: “Don’t start that shit again. Your in MY closet now.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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