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#51535 - 09/24/18 05:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.

First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything. So the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asks his friend “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did” replies his friend. “He can’t swim”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51536 - 09/24/18 05:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
A bloke is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms called Olympic. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon returning home he tells his wife about them. “Olympic condoms?” she replies: “What makes them so special?” The man says: “Well, there are three colours - gold, silver and bronze.” “What colour are you going to wear tonight? “She asks wearily. “Gold of course, “says the man proudly. The wife gives him a withering look and says: “What about silver? It’d be nice if you tried coming second for a change.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51537 - 09/24/18 05:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
A sausage factory owner was showing his arrogant son around and try as he might he found it impossible to impress him. As they approached the heart of the factory, the man thought: “If this doesn’t do it nothing will!” He showed his son a machine and said: “Son, this machine is the very the heart of the factory. We put in a pig and outcomes sausages.” Still unimpressed his son merely replied: “Yes, but do you have a machine where you feed in sausages and produce a pig.” The furious father thought and said, “Yes son, we call it your mother.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51538 - 09/24/18 05:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team sneaks his new girlfriend, a gorgeous American gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she’s inside, he quickly switches out all the lights, they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light, his beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin glistening with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The American girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, she is now feeling rather faint herself. “Just a minute, big boy,” she whispers to the panting Aussie: “I think I need to try some of your tonic!” She rises unsteadily, pours a small shot and is disappointed to find it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Not losing heart she thinks perhaps she should complete the ritual to get the full effect. She stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian 4x200m relay team.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51542 - 09/24/18 06:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4082
Loc: S/W Missouri
Now that ^^^ is funny. laugh laugh laugh
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#51547 - 09/26/18 09:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51556 - 09/27/18 10:49 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4082
Loc: S/W Missouri
That's about the size of it! laugh laugh
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#51557 - 09/27/18 03:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am - I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”

“I’m not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51558 - 09/27/18 03:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.”

“Why yes,” she replied, “My son sends me money every week, and I give 10% of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The old lady proudly said, “In Nevada. He owns two cat houses in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51559 - 09/27/18 04:08 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered

“Is that one word or two?”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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