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#51458 - 09/14/18 04:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
The mathematician Norbert Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, “Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I’m Norbert Weiner and we’ve just moved. Would you know where we’ve moved to?” To which the young girl replied, “Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51459 - 09/14/18 04:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery.

The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied “No problem. I’m sick of talking.”

Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said “Food cold”. The abbot sent him on his way.

Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said “Bed hard” and was sent back to work.

Another ten years went by, and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words.

The man nodded and said “I quit.”

To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone “Doesn’t surprise me. You’ve done nothing but whinge since you got here.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51460 - 09/14/18 04:30 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma’am” he said “I’ve come to...” “Oh, no need to explain” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed “I’ve been expecting you”. “Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?” “Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!”

After a moment she asked, blushing “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!.”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith. “Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”

“Don’t I know it” said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus” he said.

“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. “Yes” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away.”

“Tripod?” she queried, nearly fainting. “Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for long.”

The woman fainted.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51466 - 09/15/18 02:41 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#51519 - 09/20/18 05:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!”

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51520 - 09/20/18 05:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
“I have to have a raise” the man said to his boss. “There are three other companies after me”. “Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?” “The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51521 - 09/20/18 05:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife. “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a set of underwear out of his drawer. “What the heck is this??” he said to himself, as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. “April” he hollered into the bathroom “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?” She replied with a snicker “It’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle Grow!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51522 - 09/20/18 05:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian” Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his f###### widow.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51526 - 09/21/18 04:02 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51534 - 09/24/18 05:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while”. Billy says: “I’m fine, mummy ... I just haven’t gone doody yet”. “Oka” says mum “you can stay here a few more minutes ... but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?” Billy says “Works for ketchup!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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