header

Page 342 of 361 < 1 2 ... 340 341 342 343 344 ... 360 361 >
Topic Options
#51403 - 09/04/18 05:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Paddy and Mick are on a building site ... Paddy said to Mick “I don’t feel too good so I’m going to pretend I’m mad and the foreman will see me and send me home.”

So Paddy hangs from the rafters by his feet shouting “I’m a light bulb. I’m a lightbulb, look at me I’m a light bulb.”

The foreman sees him and shouts “Paddy ... You are crazy ... Get yourself off home.”

Then the foreman sees Mick packing his bag and says “Mick ... where do you think you are going?”

Mick says Well I can’t work in the dark can I”?
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Top
#51404 - 09/04/18 05:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s Day; he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Top
#51405 - 09/04/18 05:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s Day; he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Top
#51411 - 09/05/18 03:08 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Now THAT ^^^ is funny!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#51413 - 09/05/18 02:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Joe had been battling headaches for years, but lately they had gotten much worse, so he decided he just had to see a doctor.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Joe realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store, and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit," and went in.

The elderly tailor eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed, and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16-and-a half neck, 34 sleeve," said the tailor.

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the tailor said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said "sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes, and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist, and said, "Let's see, size 36."

"Finally, I've got you!" Joe laughed. "I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You shouldn't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear is too small for you. That would force your testicles to press against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#51414 - 09/05/18 03:00 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A new store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor.

On the sith floor the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#51415 - 09/05/18 08:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Good ones Jon! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#51454 - 09/14/18 11:37 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear; let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said “Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You’re just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently, no sex tonight either
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#51455 - 09/14/18 02:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#51457 - 09/14/18 04:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Three men were travelling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London, England. One man was from the US, one from France and one from Australia. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The American began by saying: “I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert.”

Then the man from France spoke up: “I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do all the shopping and also all the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.”

The man from Australia sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: “I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do all the cooking, the shopping and the housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I began to see a little bit out of my left eye.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Top
Page 342 of 361 < 1 2 ... 340 341 342 343 344 ... 360 361 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.