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#51349 - 08/27/18 08:31 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Well, there ARE priorities in life. grin
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#51352 - 08/30/18 05:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well ... Only two left.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51353 - 08/30/18 05:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A group of Australians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, “What do you do in Australia with your old goats that aren’t producing?”

An old fella answered, “They send us on bus tours.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51354 - 08/30/18 05:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.

I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51359 - 08/30/18 06:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Quack! laugh laugh
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#51367 - 09/01/18 05:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A guy is walking along Bondi beach in Sydney when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”

“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

“OK, then, I want to die after these politicians balance the budget and eliminate the debt.”

“You crafty little bastard,” said the genie.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51368 - 09/01/18 06:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. ‘Oh, please excuse me!’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t me an to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’

‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t me an to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’

‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and

I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose ... You must be a bunny rabbit!’

Then he said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’

The snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’

So the bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,

‘You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls ... You must be a politician.’
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51369 - 09/01/18 06:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
(Blessed are those who can give without remembering ... and take without forgetting.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The Senator was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51378 - 09/03/18 01:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Amen! grin
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#51402 - 09/04/18 05:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this; 8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a head-scarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.

Things get worse after I mutter : “Yeah, if it’s up your a***”
8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

I reply, “Snowballs” and am called a sexist.
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the World we live in today!
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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