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#51324 - 08/24/18 01:08 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting; In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51325 - 08/24/18 01:09 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51326 - 08/24/18 01:10 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
I said to my neighbour “Are you aware your teenage daughter was in your garden sun bathing topless today?” With a disbelieving look he said “Are you sure?” “Yes” I said “and I’ve got loads of pictures to prove it”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51327 - 08/24/18 01:11 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
What a nice guy! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51328 - 08/24/18 01:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied “How very sporting of your mother!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51329 - 08/24/18 01:14 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Such understanding from an Englishman. laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51330 - 08/24/18 02:26 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies standing there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married.

The man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife.

The guy says, “Sure, I guess,” and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy examines the photo, turns and has a whispered conversation with his partner, then turns back to the man. “I’m very sorry, sir,” he says, “but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy replies, “I know, but she owned her own boat and can gut and clean fish better than any man.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51334 - 08/25/18 06:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
What a loss! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51343 - 08/26/18 08:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was sitting in his seat, screaming hysterically.

One of the paramedics tried to calm him. “Take deep breaths and pull yourself together. Be thankful that at least you haven’t gone through the windshield like your passenger,” and he pointed at a girl lying unconscious by the side of the road. “She looks in a really bad state.”

Still crying uncontrollably, the driver yelled: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51344 - 08/26/18 08:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
The telephone rang at dawn. “Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“My God! What fire are you talking about?”

“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”

“What the hell... ? Are you telling me that my $5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”

“What bloody funeral?”

“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”

There was a lengthy silence.

“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re good as dead...”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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