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#51216 - 08/12/18 06:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

“No” said the farmer “I get a dime for a tomato like that one”.

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one “Will you take two pennies for that one?” “Yes” replied the farmer “I’ll give you that one for two cents”. “OK” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand “I’ll pick it up in about a week”.
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51217 - 08/12/18 06:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
An old guy in a nursing home was wandering around the facility when he noticed his across-the-hall neighbour, Mrs. McGillicuddy, sitting in the lounge. He thought he’d shuffle up to her and ask if she could guess how old he was, just to have a little fun. She replied “Drop your pants and let me see”. So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced “You’re 88 years old!” “Why, yes I am” the old man said. “That’s amazing! How could you tell?”

“Well” she said “you told me this morning at breakfast”.
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51218 - 08/12/18 06:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.
Jim: “Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain’t half-bad”.
Joe: “Are you crazy?”
Jim: “No, really. It’s kinda like vodka or something”.
Joe: “You’re right! This is pretty good!”
Jim: “Yea! And I think I’m getting a good buzz off it too”.
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of the spilt fuel, though by now they’re not really minding the work. The next morning, Jim gets a phone call.
Jim: “Hello?”
Joe: “Hey Jim, how ya feeling?”
Jim: “Pretty good, actually. I don’t have a hangover or nuthin’!”
Joe: “Have you gone to the bathroom yet?”
Jim: “No, why?”
Joe: “Cuz I’m calling you from Australia”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51219 - 08/12/18 06:56 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped”.

His buddy said “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy said “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did” said the fellow. “Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51223 - 08/13/18 01:00 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
OOPS!!! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51253 - 08/15/18 04:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says.

You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#51255 - 08/15/18 04:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
merican ships are called "USS," for United States Ship.

British ships are called "HMS," Her Majesty's Ship.

Italian ships, "AMB," Atsa My Boat.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#51260 - 08/15/18 07:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
Good ones Jon!! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51279 - 08/16/18 07:20 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out naked.

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51304 - 08/21/18 12:32 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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