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#51130 - 07/28/18 06:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’ the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied... ‘Your horse just phoned’
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51134 - 07/29/18 02:43 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
OOPS! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51135 - 07/29/18 06:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Way back in the backwoods, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

“Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51136 - 07/29/18 06:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other flea asked him, “Why are you shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by… When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”

“Yes,” says the first flea. “I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#51137 - 07/30/18 08:29 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51138 - 07/30/18 01:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.
So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#51149 - 07/31/18 01:14 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51160 - 08/02/18 08:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first Bull said, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”

The second Bull added, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third Bull added, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of.” I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first Bull said, “Ahem ... You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

The second Bull added, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They looked over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and found him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. The first Bull said,”Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third Bull answered, “Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull...”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51161 - 08/02/18 08:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel.”

“And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’ you hit her with the shovel.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51164 - 08/03/18 01:19 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Such profound wisdom! laugh laugh laugh
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