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#51108 - 07/24/18 09:49 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#51111 - 07/24/18 06:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever find his one true love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?”

The frog answers, “Let me hear the good news first.”

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.”

“That great!” says the frog. “So what’s the bad news?”

“Well, you’re going to meet her in Biology class.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51112 - 07/24/18 06:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, “How’s my cat doing?”

The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”

The woman’s upset and says, “Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could have just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” says the husband, “I’ll remember that.”

The woman says, “Anyway, how’s my mother doing?”

The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51113 - 07/24/18 06:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops...

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

‘‘Good Heavens, ‘said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story’?”

...”Don’t Screw with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51116 - 07/24/18 10:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
What a woman!!! laugh laugh laugh
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#51119 - 07/25/18 06:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51120 - 07/25/18 06:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go but, what can they do ... Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire. “Damn man! How long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. The night before yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?” I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said “Do whatever you want!” “So here I am.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51127 - 07/28/18 02:11 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
That has my wife laughing! laugh laugh laugh She said she definitely will NOT play that game at Blade time. grin
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51128 - 07/28/18 05:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Moishe?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#51129 - 07/28/18 06:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
At the Zoo

A young family were visiting the Zoo when their 7 year old daughter who is watching the elephants in their enclosure, sees the elephant’s penis hanging down below the male elephant. She asks her father, “Daddy, what is that hanging down under that elephant over there?”

Her father, not ready to have that talk with her says, “I don’t know go ask your mother.”

So the little girl goes over and asks her mother, “Mommy what is that thing hanging down under that elephant?”

Her mother also not ready to have that talk told her, “That is nothing dear.” The little girl not satisfied goes back to her father and said, “Mommy says that thing is nothing!”

The father smugly replies “Well that’s because she’s been spoiled!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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