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#51081 - 07/16/18 09:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Good one! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51089 - 07/19/18 08:44 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn’t say a word.
The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There’s no response so the priest coughs again. There’s still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn’t get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.



The drunk slurs, “There’s no use knocking. There’s no paper this side either.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#51090 - 07/19/18 06:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
lol. When ya gotta go ya gotta go!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51091 - 07/19/18 06:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.

After giving it to him, Larry asked “What is the usual tip?”

“Well” replied the youth “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”

“Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said “Applied psychology.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51092 - 07/19/18 06:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn’t get up to leave until the theatre was ready to close for the night.

“You folks must’ve enjoyed the show,” the usher said.

“Disgusting “ said the old lady.

“It was revolting” her husband added.

“Then why did you sit through it twice?” the usher asks.

“We had to wait until you turned up the house lights,” the old lady replied. “We couldn’t find my panties, and his teeth were in them!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51096 - 07/20/18 01:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51097 - 07/20/18 11:47 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.



“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#51099 - 07/20/18 08:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
OY! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#51102 - 07/22/18 05:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant “Steve’s Place” and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired “Why the spoon?”

“Well” he explained “the restaurant’s owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

“If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well” he whispered “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#51103 - 07/22/18 05:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said “Can you please help me, I don’t know what hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7, you’re on 6.” He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. “I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14. You are on 13.”

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. “I’m in sales.” He replied “no kidding so am I. What do you sell?”

She said it’s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said “I sell tampons.”

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said “You promised you wouldn’t laugh.” He replied “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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