header

Page 333 of 356 < 1 2 ... 331 332 333 334 335 ... 355 356 >
Topic Options
#51016 - 07/02/18 11:47 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#51019 - 07/02/18 12:04 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Tools



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#51020 - 07/02/18 05:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold”.

“I have a better idea” she replied “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that were married!”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. “Good” she replied “Get your own bloody blanket”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51021 - 07/02/18 05:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
They say that excessive masturbation will cause you to become forgetful. Not only that, but they say that excessive masturbation will make you forgetful.

-----

I am writing for a good friend of mine. His wife told him to go out and obtain some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.

-----

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked “What’s the problem? Wouldn’t your cat eat them?” The blonde’s eyes got very large, and she whispered “Do you mean to tell me that ‘Pussy Treats’ are for cats?”

-----

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks. “Sweetheart” she sobs “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone” she sobbed again “I found that the cat had eaten it!” “Don’t worry, darling” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We’ll get a new cat in the morning...”

-----

“My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis” mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. “No” says the friend “people don’t die of syphilis anymore”. The angry biker replies “They do when they give it to me!”

-----

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour. “Now” he said “are there any questions?” One girl stood up timidly. “Please sir” she asked “May we have our teacher back?”

-----

A young teacher substituted for a friend who was taking a week’s honeymoon. A month later at a party someone started to introduce the groom to her. “Oh” he answered brightly “I know Miss Davis very well indeed. She substituted for my wife on our honeymoon!”

-----

One woman says to another “I can’t understand why you haven’t gone to see that new gynaecologist yet!” “My gynaecologist is fine. I don’t need to change”. “But the new one’s so young and handsome, while your gynaecologist is so old!” The other woman replies with a smile “Yeah, I know” she said with a smile “His hands shake all the time”.

-----

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

-----

I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: “Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse”. Is everybody clear on that?

-----

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning? Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

-----

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night”. The priest says “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says “That he did, Father”. The priest says “What did he ask, Mary?” She says “He said ‘Please Mary, put down the gun’”.

-----

They found a cat on mars. A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51023 - 07/02/18 06:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51026 - 07/04/18 02:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created a Government supplied Health Care System. Amen
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#51031 - 07/05/18 08:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
God help us all! eek...…………………………………………………………………. laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#51044 - 07/07/18 08:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
I phoned the local radio station today “Congratulations, you’re our first caller today, if you can answer a simple question you get to win our grand prize of the day; it’s a math question, feeling confident?” I said “I’ve a maths degree and teach at a local school”

“OK then to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and meet him back stage - what is 2+2?

“7” I replied flatly.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51045 - 07/07/18 08:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed. “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#51048 - 07/08/18 05:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
Page 333 of 356 < 1 2 ... 331 332 333 334 335 ... 355 356 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.