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#50941 - 06/16/18 04:33 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
OUCH!!! eek
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#50948 - 06/17/18 09:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50949 - 06/17/18 09:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.

After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it’s a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.

The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn’t heard of, finally asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The farm boy replies, “Ah ain’t never been with no woman before but, if it’s anythin’ like a Kangaroo, we gonna need all the room we can git.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50950 - 06/17/18 09:04 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50954 - 06/18/18 07:38 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Australian lads??? laugh laugh laugh
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#50958 - 06/19/18 07:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A rich old lady’s birthday is coming up...

Her three sons want to impress her. They each go out in search for the perfect gift.

The first one, Frank, finds and buys a Swiss Chalet up on a mountain top. He sends her pictures and descriptions in her birthday card.

The second son, George, orders her a brand new multi-million dollar Lamborghini with all the bells and whistles to be delivered on her birthday. He sends concept pictures and descriptions in her birthday card.

The third son, Jack, wants something completely unique and searches the world for the best parrot available. He finds one that has a 10,000 word vocabulary in multiple languages and arranges for it to be delivered on her birthday.

They all show up on her birthday and are greeted at the door. She looks at them and shakes her head. Frank, I don’t know what you were thinking. With my old bones why would I want to be on top of a mountain in the cold? And George, you are a real ass. I don’t drive at my age and I’m not about to hire a driver for a two seater. But Jack, I loved your gift. That bird was delicious.

“What? You ate that parrot? He could speak 10,000 words in multiple languages...”

“Well, I guess he should have said something.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50959 - 06/19/18 07:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Little Johnny is sitting in class one day the teacher says, “I’m going to give you a letter of the alphabet and you need to give me a word that starts with that letter and use it in a sentence. OK, Let’s start with A”

Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, “Teacher! Pick me! Pick me!”

The teacher thinks to herself, “I know what he’s going to say.” So she calls on another student.

Next, the teacher asks for the letters B, C, and D. and each time Little Johnny raises his hand the teacher ignores him and calls on other students. This continues until she reaches the letter U. By this time Little Johnny is almost jumping out of his seat. The teacher can’t really think of a bad word that starts with that letter. So she calls on him.

“U-R-I-N-A-T-E, urinate.”

The teacher rolls her eyes and says, “OK, now use it in a sentence.”

Little Johnny responds, “Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you would be a ten.”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50963 - 06/20/18 03:06 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Little Johnny is quite the character! laugh laugh laugh
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#50964 - 06/20/18 06:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Good ones Ian!
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#50965 - 06/20/18 05:36 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A police officer came across a terrible road accident where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he gazed at the wreckage, a little monkey emerged from the trees and started hopping around the crashed car. “Gee,” said the officer scratching his head and looking down at the monkey, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
“You mean you can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again the monkey nodded furiously.
“Well, did you see this accident?” asked the officer.
The monkey motioned in the affirmative.
“What happened?” said the officer.
The monkey mimed a drinking action.
“They were drinking?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“What else?” continued the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together, held them to his mouth and rolled his eyes.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey nodded.
“Anything else?” asked the officer.
The monkey mimed a kiss.
“They were kissing too?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“So,” said the officer, “you’re saying they were drinking, smoking and kissing before they crashed the car?”
The monkey nodded.
“And what were you doing while all this was going on?”
“Driving,” mimed the monkey.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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