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#50897 - 06/07/18 08:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
Sweet innocence. grin
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50899 - 06/08/18 05:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty’s Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man’s body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, “Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?”

“From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!”, he replied.

“Very good!”, the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6’5”. He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, “What about you, Corporal?”

“Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!”, the corporal said.

“Very good!”, replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed. “And you, Private, where would you like measured?”

“From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!”, retorted the private.

The commander replied, “I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it’s your decision.” He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general’s mouth fell agape and he stammered, “Where in God’s name are your gonads, Private?!!”

The private proclaimed, “Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50900 - 06/08/18 05:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
My Dear husband:

I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.

I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Wife.

Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn’t work anymore.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment ... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris ... But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

You’re Rich As Hell & Free Ex-Husband!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope that’s not a problem.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50901 - 06/08/18 05:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next Morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250... 00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

“It’s a Nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight Stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is The ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are Available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. “Well, they are Here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel Shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the World over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of Those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter What amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and The Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes Discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and Gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I Was here, and you could have.” Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!!!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50902 - 06/08/18 06:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “¨”Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50903 - 06/08/18 06:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, idly chatting and watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

They see the local Baptist pastor appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.

“Would you look at that!” exclaims the first Irishman.

“Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites those Baptists are?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the brothel door, knocks, and also disappears inside.

“Dere’s another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and silly hats!”

They continue drinking while roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their local Catholic priest knock on the brothel door.

“Ah, now dat’s sad,” says the third Irishman, “One of the girls must have died.”

_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50907 - 06/09/18 06:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He seemed surprised someone would pick him up, and he asked if I wasn't worried he was a serial killer.
I laughed and said, "Come on. What are the chances of TWO serial killers being in the same car?"
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#50908 - 06/09/18 08:07 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
Great ones all! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50910 - 06/10/18 04:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word ‘SHORTY’.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him.

She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

“Yes” replies Valerie “but when he becomes aroused, it says, ‘SHORTY’S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA’”. “Wow!” the other nurses gasp.

“‘ORDERS TO TAKE OUT’” Valerie continues “‘ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES... ‘“

The others stand there staring, in total surprise.

“ESTABLISHED 1922 ... PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY” Valerie finished.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50918 - 06/12/18 07:21 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
Sometimes it's good being short. laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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