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#50865 - 05/31/18 07:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50870 - 06/01/18 01:56 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Another gem! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50873 - 06/01/18 06:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a retiring doctor. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach “. The older doctor says “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’re eating and see if that does the trick”.

As they left, the younger man said “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?” “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick”.

The younger doctor said “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind I think I’ll try that at the next house”.

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said “I’m feeling terribly run down lately “.

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps”. As they left, the elder doctor said “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50874 - 06/01/18 06:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A rabbi, a priest and a Baptist minister are all killed instantly in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, they are stopped by St. Peter who advises them that they must pass a short quiz to enter.

Peter asks the rabbi “Who was the first man?” Rabbi replies “That’s an easy one - Adam!”

And with that, the organ plays a triumphant melody, blue birds chirp and fly around, cherubim flit back and forth, flowering vines emerge from the ground, the gates swing open, and the rabbi walks in. Then, everything becomes quiet - the birds and cherubim disappear, the vines withdraw. All is silent.

Peter solemnly turns to the priest “Who was the first woman?” Priest replies “That’s an easy one! Eve!”

Again, the organ plays a triumphant melody, blue birds chirp and fly around, cherubim flit back and forth, flowering vines emerge from the ground, the gates swing open, and the priest walks in. Then, everything becomes quiet - the birds and cherubim disappear, the vines withdraw. All is silent.

Finally, Peter turns to the Baptist minister, who is confidently rocking back and forth on heel to toe and smiling. With a sly grin, Peter says “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

The Baptist minister frowns, grows quiet, applies his fingers to his brow, and thinks. Then he mumbles “That’s a hard one...”

And the organ plays a triumphant melody...
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50875 - 06/01/18 06:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

“We’ve employed an Oxford don who’ll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills”.

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

“Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

“It doesn’t really matter”, they say, “so long as they fit in the cannon.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50882 - 06/03/18 11:51 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50891 - 06/06/18 05:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50892 - 06/06/18 06:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up a very beautiful woman at the wheel.

She asked “Are you okay?” As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

“I’m okay I think” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse.” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my bike I guess”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50893 - 06/06/18 06:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. “Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts.” she said.

The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked “Do you shave?”

“No” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”

“Oh, yes” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him “Well, did you see?”

“Yes” he said “but why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough.”

“I know” he said “but the dart team hadn’t!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50895 - 06/07/18 08:40 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.



The boy thought for a moment, then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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