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#50780 - 05/18/18 04:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.” The first man asks “Can I make a wish? “ Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says “ I want a Million Bucks “ The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead And the guy says to the other “ Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn’t he?” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50781 - 05/18/18 05:02 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Little Johnny Learns Math’s

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”. He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”. She said, “ Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers.

Put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”. He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”. She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers.

Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”. He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50782 - 05/18/18 05:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said “Rose, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor - when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there”. Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you”.

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her “Barb, Barb”.

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Barb it’s me, Rose”. “You’re not Rose! Rose just died!” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?” “In Heaven” replied Rose. “I have some really good news, and a little bad news”.

“Tell me the good news first” said Barb. “The good news” Rose said “is that there’s softball in Heaven! Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again! Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired”.

“That’s fantastic” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50785 - 05/19/18 09:19 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
All great! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50788 - 05/20/18 07:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said. “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday ... but I fish on Fridays!!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50789 - 05/20/18 07:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. “I’m so tough” said the first boy “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week”. “Well” said the second little boy “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day”. “That’s nothing” said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50790 - 05/20/18 08:00 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met Dave in the hallway. She said “I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?” “I’ll ask her” Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out “Honey, would you like to see ‘Oliver Twist’ tonight?” “No way!” his bride retorted. “If you show me one more trick with that thing, I’m going home to my mother!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50791 - 05/20/18 08:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good - mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit”. Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50794 - 05/21/18 08:46 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50843 - 05/29/18 06:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A woman goes to a doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down. How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It keeps your mouth shut and that does the trick”.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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