header

Page 322 of 356 < 1 2 ... 320 321 322 323 324 ... 355 356 >
Topic Options
#50676 - 04/17/18 10:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination—Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#50677 - 04/18/18 03:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6521
Loc: NSW
I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.

In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.

“I guess it’s because I’m a genius” he replied casually. “I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult.”

“Snooker for example,” he continued, “I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Steve Davis with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.

“Or rifle shooting,” he went on. “I’ve taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though I’m right handed) sight with my right eye (even though the gun’s in my left hand) and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I could win Bisley whenever I want. Nothing’s any fun unless I can make it into a challenge.”

I was impressed. “Got any kids?” I inquired.

“Yes,” he replied. “And before you ask...

... Standing up in a hammock.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50678 - 04/18/18 04:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6521
Loc: NSW
A bloke is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms called Olympic. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon returning home he tells his wife about them. “Olympic condoms?” she replies: “What makes them so special?” The man says: “Well, there are three colours - gold, silver and bronze.” “What colour are you going to wear tonight? “She asks wearily. “Gold of course, “says the man proudly. The wife gives him a withering look and says: “What about silver? It’d be nice if you tried coming second for a change.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50679 - 04/18/18 04:56 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6521
Loc: NSW
A gentleman, somewhat the worse the wear for drink, stumbles onto a baptismal service down by the riverside. He staggers down into the water and stands next to the minister. The minister turns, notices the old sot and asks: “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk, reflects a moment, looks back and says: “Yes, sir - l am.” The minister than dunks the drunk under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the minister asks. “No I haven’t!” says the drunk. The minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks: “Now have you found Jesus?”

“No I have not!” bellows the drunk again. Disgusted, the minister holds the drunk under for at least 30 seconds the third time, then brings him up and demands:

“For the grace of God! Have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads: “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50684 - 04/19/18 12:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4059
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#50689 - 04/21/18 04:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6521
Loc: NSW
A man stood outside his house after a bitter divorce and noticed a crate of beer bottles. He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing “You are the reason I don’t have a wife”. He smashed the second bottle “You are the reason I don’t have children”. He smashed the third bottle “You are the reason I don’t have a job”. When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still SEALED and filled with beer. He said to the bottle “YOU STAND ASIDE, I KNOW YOU WERE NOT INVOLVED”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50691 - 04/21/18 05:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6521
Loc: NSW
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50692 - 04/21/18 06:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4059
Loc: S/W Missouri

Sharp little girl! laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#50700 - 04/23/18 10:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#50701 - 04/23/18 11:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4059
Loc: S/W Missouri
Wise move! laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
Page 322 of 356 < 1 2 ... 320 321 322 323 324 ... 355 356 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.