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#50653 - 04/09/18 08:29 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#50654 - 04/09/18 04:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma’am” he said “I’ve come to...” “Oh, no need to explain” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed “I’ve been expecting you”. “Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?” “Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!”

After a moment she asked, blushing “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!.”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith. “Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”

“Don’t I know it” said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus” he said.

“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. “Yes” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away.”

“Tripod?” she queried, nearly fainting. “Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for long.”

The woman fainted.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50655 - 04/09/18 04:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife. “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a set of underwear out of his drawer. “What the heck is this??” he said to himself, as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. “April” he hollered into the bathroom “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?” She replied with a snicker “It’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle Grow!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50657 - 04/10/18 02:08 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Spiders on drugs! grin

_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50659 - 04/11/18 03:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Far out man. laugh laugh
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#50661 - 04/12/18 08:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian” Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his f$%^&*( widow.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50662 - 04/12/18 08:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
The teacher asked the children to take note of anything special or fascinating on the way home from school and talk about it to the class the next morning.

The next morning Molly said that their next door neighbour had this beautiful big yellow rose bush full of roses and it looked really lovely.

“Thank you Molly, that’s lovely.” Said the teacher.

Lisa said that she saw two monarch butterflies and they looked so beautiful.

“That’s really nice. Thank you Lisa.” Said the teacher.

After a few other stories it finally came to little Johnny’s turn. The teacher (as usual) wasn’t looking forward to this.

“Well,” said Johnny. “On my way home yesterday I was walking past Hill Street, you know, that very steep road by the pub and coming down Hill street was the local junk man’s horse and cart. Something must have startled the horse because all of a sudden it took off and came flying down the hill, hit the fence at the bottom and the handle on the cart went right up the horses arse.”

The teacher glared at Johnny and said, “No Johnny!! It’s rectum, Johnny, rectum.”

“Wrecked ‘im miss? fu@#%^ near killed ‘im!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50663 - 04/12/18 09:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Johnny is one cool dude! laugh laugh laugh
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#50666 - 04/13/18 05:02 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come in.

“Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?” The attorney agreed and went to the spinster’s home to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer’s first question was “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?” She replied “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank”.

“Tell me” the lawyer asked “how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?” The spinster said “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral”. The lawyer remarked “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!”

“But tell me” he continued “what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?” The spinster replied “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. Before I die, I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me”. “This is a very unusual request” the lawyer said, adding “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you”.

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and, with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished”.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled “Pick me up tomorrow. She’s going to let the GOVERNMENT bury her”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50669 - 04/15/18 01:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Now THAT'S super-service! laugh laugh laugh
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