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#50616 - 03/27/18 06:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus...

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man’s he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’ The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’...
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50617 - 03/27/18 06:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
“You came home early from your date,” John observed to his roommate. “What happened?”

“Well,” said the flat-mate, “after dinner she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and turned out the lights.”

“So, what next?” asked John, eyebrows raised.

“I can take a hint,” said his flat-mate. “I came home.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50623 - 03/29/18 12:56 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
DOH! grin
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#50624 - 03/30/18 04:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
An eighty-year-old woman ran into an old friend in the checkout line at Wal-Mart, and the two women wished each other a happy New Year. But her friend frowned and said, “Oh, but I was so sorry to hear about the sudden death of your husband!”

“Yes, it was a terrible thing, but at least Herbert died happy -- in the act of love.”

“Goodness! Really? That’s ... amazing. I mean -- at your age and all!”

“Well, we certainly had toned it down some these days, but we still made sweet love every Sunday morning. We’d do it slowly, you know? To the rhythm of the church bells ... In with the dings, and out with the dongs; in with the dings, and out with the dongs ... it was wonderful!”

“That does sound wonderful,” her friend said.

“Yes, and my Herbert would still be here with me today, if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come by at just the wrong time!”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50625 - 03/30/18 06:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
Ian, I don't know where you find all these jokes but they're great!!! laugh laugh laugh
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#50626 - 03/31/18 05:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A young girl started work in the chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to people. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

“Look” he said. “My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they’ll ask for a 110, which is a small, a 120, which is a medium, or a 130 which is a large. The word condom won’t even be used EVER!”

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said “150.”

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

“Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs” her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. “Yes!” she said “He’s got a big one hanging there!”

The boss said “Go back in and give him $150 ... he’s the window cleaner!”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50627 - 03/31/18 05:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor? “Yes, checking for abnormalities” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks “Do you know what I am doing now?” she replies “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes” she replies “getting herpes - that’s why I’m here!”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50628 - 03/31/18 05:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI’s report about what he found:

“Most honourable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50629 - 03/31/18 05:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery.

The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied “No problem. I’m sick of talking.”

Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said “Food cold”. The abbot sent him on his way.

Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said “Bed hard” and was sent back to work.

Another ten years went by, and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words.

The man nodded and said “I quit.”

To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone “Doesn’t surprise me. You’ve done nothing but gripe and whinge since you got here.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50647 - 04/08/18 02:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Little Old Lady: Doctor, I'm feeling so lethargic lately, just don't have the same zip I used to.
Doc: Well, at your age a lot of necessary hormones are not being produced as abundantly as they once were, so sometimes we need to supplement that.
LOL: What do you suggest?
Doc: Well let's try a prescription for testosterone. It's often thought of as a male hormone, but ladies need it too, in smaller amounts. It should perk you up, but it can have some odd side effects, so I'll give you a scrip and you come back in six weeks and we'll see if we need to adjust the dosage up or down, OK?'

So the little old lady toddled off and got her prescription, and came back to see the doctor right on schedule:

Doc: So how's it going?
LOL: Well I do have more pep, it did seem to give me some more get-up-and-go, but it unfortunately I now have hair in places I never had before.
Doc: Ah yes, that's one of the side effects to be expected, perhaps we need to reduce the dosage a bit. Exactly where are you growing this unwanted hair?
LOL: On my testicles.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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