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#50494 - 02/18/18 02:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.

After the test, the manager says “You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address. To this the manager replies “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed”.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, email and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50495 - 02/18/18 03:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Three male bodies arrive at the morgue with big smiles frozen on their lifeless faces. The detective calls the coroner to ask what happened to the men.

“First body: French. 60. Died of Congestive Heart Failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Detective”, said the Coroner.

“Second body: Scottish. 25. Won one thousand dollars on the slot machines, spent it all on Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Died of acute alcohol poisoning. Hence going out with a smile.”

The Detective asked, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” said the coroner, “This is the most unusual one:Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. Struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asked the Detective.

“He thought someone was taking his picture.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50496 - 02/18/18 03:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Little Johnny was in first grade, and his reputation had preceded him.

Today’s class was phonics, and everybody was to identify a word that began with the letter on the card the teacher displayed.

She held up an “A”, and hands hit the air. Little Johnny was waving his hand in the air, and the teacher thought, “Hmmm. Anus. Asshole. NO, I don’t think I want to call on Little Johnny.”

So, teacher called on Little Betty. “‘A’, Apple. Apple starts with ‘A’”. She sat down.

Next card, “B”, brought about a storm of volunteers, prominently featuring Little Johnny, waving both arms. Again, teacher pondered. “‘B’. Hmmm. Bastard. Bitch. Butthole. No, I do not want to know what Little Johnny’s thinking.”

So, Timmy got to announce “‘B’. Bird starts with ‘B’.”

The lesson continued, with predictable avoidance of calling on Little Johhny. Finally, the teacher held up the card “R”. By now Little Johhny is jumping up and down, waving his arms, weeping and duck-walking around his desk. Teacher contemplates. “‘R’. Hmmm. ‘R’. I cannot think of anything salacious with the letter ‘R’.”

She calls on Little Johnny. He struts up to the front of the classroom. “‘R’. Rat! Rat starts with ‘R’.”

The teacher sighed with relief, thinking she had dodged a bullet. Until Little Johnny continued.

“ ... Ya know, big #ucking rats! Huge bastards, with teeth, and claws, and shit like that!”
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50505 - 02/20/18 12:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts.
Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells “Rocky!!”

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip.

The boy’s father is getting nervous. Rocky!! be careful now!!

Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:

Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#50506 - 02/20/18 12:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. So the guy had to ask him. ‘Why ARE you so happy anyway?’

The guy with no arms replied, ‘I’m NOT happy … My balls itch!!’
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#50510 - 02/20/18 11:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4083
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50511 - 02/21/18 03:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50512 - 02/21/18 03:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
Conjoined twins walk into a bar...

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim.

Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

“Been on vacation yet, fellas?”

“Off to Australia next month,” says John. “We go to Australia every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don’t we, Jim?” Jim nods.

“Ah, Australia!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country ... the history, the culture, and especially the beer.”

“Nah, we don’t go for the Australian beer”, says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s for us, eh Jim? .”

“So why keep going to Australia?” asks the bartender.

John replies: “Gives Jim a chance to drive...”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50516 - 02/25/18 02:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6582
Loc: NSW
February 4, 2016 ·

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old

pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They

hired him because he was so funny….
NAME:
Adam Landon Jones (Grumpy *******)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at
least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But
seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to
be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would
I?

DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a good redundancy
package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate
environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 20kg.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you
have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare
Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish
supermodel with big boingers and who thinks I’m the
greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 Kms

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.


————————–————————–————————–————————
After landing my new job as a Bunnings “Greeter” – a

goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . .

. .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,

unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store

with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way

through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said,”Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
“No, they ain’t ~^@#!+& twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the

other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins?

Are you blind, or just ~^@#!+& stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just

couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good

day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line

of work.
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#50519 - 02/28/18 02:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4083
Loc: S/W Missouri
The cost of being truthful! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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