header

Page 313 of 356 < 1 2 ... 311 312 313 314 315 ... 355 356 >
Topic Options
#50462 - 02/09/18 02:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel...

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50463 - 02/09/18 03:08 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A guy was packing for a business trip and his five year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed helping her Daddy pack for his big trip.

At one point she giggled and said, “Daddy, Daddy ... Look at this,” and stuck out two of her little fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained and enjoying her playful mood, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers, nom nom nom” pretending to eat them and then went back to packing for his trip.

He couldn’t help but notice how quiet she had become and looked up to see his is daughterstanding on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated and bewildered look on her face.

He looked at her and said, “What’s wrong, honey? Daddy was just playing. I would never really eat your fingers!” and let out a little giggle.

She replied, “I know you were just playing Daddy but what happened to my booger?
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50464 - 02/09/18 03:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A family from one of the poorest parts of town are packing for a holiday in Spain.

They have the predicament of what to do with their three pets, a snake, a rabbit and a skunk, while away in the sun for two weeks:

Father: “I know, we’ll take em with us. Wayne you can wear the snake around your waist, everyone will think it’s a belt, I’ll wear the rabbit on my head so it’ll look like a hat and you mother, you can put the skunk in your knickers”

Mother: “But what about the smell?”.

Father: “Well if it dies it dies...”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50465 - 02/09/18 03:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Harry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof!, the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry’s wife. “Mrs. White,” he says, “Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”

“OH GOOD GRIEF!” Mrs. white exclaims, “He’s pi$$ing in the fridge again!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50475 - 02/14/18 04:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
Ian, you have my wife and I both laughing! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#50482 - 02/16/18 04:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

“How about going down the pub with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede ‘ s box and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?...

This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I ‘m just putting me bloody’ shoes on!”
_________________________
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50483 - 02/16/18 04:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die”. “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores.
Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely”. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” “He just said you’re going to die” she replied.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50484 - 02/16/18 04:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that” she said “But what is so exciting about a period”. “Damned if I know” said Johnnie “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50485 - 02/16/18 04:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and ... a Genie appeared!

“I can only grant four wishes!” the Genie said. “Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!”

Pointing to the Maori, he said “Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish”. The Maori thought for a moment, then said “I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa”.

POOF It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said “I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!”

POOF It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said “I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah”.

POOF It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked “And what is your wish?”

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said “Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn’t get any better than this!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#50489 - 02/17/18 05:07 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
ZING!!!! laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
Page 313 of 356 < 1 2 ... 311 312 313 314 315 ... 355 356 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.