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#50450 - 02/05/18 02:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50451 - 02/05/18 04:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A man walked into the Women’s Department of Macy’s in New York City. He told the saleslady, “I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B.”

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”

He repeated, “A Baptist Bra.” She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted.”

“Ah, now I remember” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Methodist type.”

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, “So, what are the differences?”

The lady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Methodist type keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked “So, what is the Baptist type for?”

“They,” she replied, “make mountains out of molehills.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50452 - 02/05/18 04:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A mother was working in the kitchen while her 5-year-old son played with his electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son announce, “All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now! And all you bastards who want on, get your asses on the train ‘cause we’re headin’ down the tracks!” The horrified woman ran into the living room. “You know we don’t use language like that in this house. Go to your room and stay there for two hours!” He hung his head and walked upstairs.

Two hours later, he came back down. “Now, Johnny, you may play with your trains, but you must use nice language.” Soon the trains were running again and Mom returned to the kitchen. Then she heard the train stop and her son announce, “All passengers, please remember your things. Thank you for riding with us. We hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you boarding, remember: there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant journey with us today.” As she began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, you can see that bitch in the kitchen!”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50453 - 02/05/18 04:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like.

Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition”. Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

“Paint my house.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50454 - 02/06/18 12:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Good ones Ian. Especially that last one!
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#50457 - 02/07/18 04:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain the definition of the word ‘definitely’ to her class. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher said “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s grey and cloudy.”

Another student says “Grass is definitely green.”

The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?”

The teacher looked at him and said “No ... but that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.”

So the student replies “Then I definitely shit my pants.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50458 - 02/07/18 04:08 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” the guy asked.

“It’s a mother and daughter threesome” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said “No, I haven’t.”

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink “tonight’s your lucky night.”

They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place.

When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mum ... you still awake?”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50459 - 02/07/18 04:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said “I would want silicone.”

The teacher said “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?”

“Because my mum has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50460 - 02/07/18 06:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Definitely good ones! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50461 - 02/09/18 02:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing Day, much to James and Neil’s amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer “Where have you been all season?”

“Don’t ask” he said “the wife bought the season ticket last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.”

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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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