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#50305 - 12/22/17 05:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3985
Loc: S/W Missouri
Diplomacy in action! laugh laugh
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#50335 - 12/28/17 02:08 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: “NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” said the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ‘em.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50336 - 12/28/17 02:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50344 - 12/30/17 11:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Rose would have just handed me the pot or pan with the comment: You cook. frown That said, when I am driving I do get a bit of coaching ...but at some point I can hear myself say: Only one of us is driving. Right now it is me and coaching is unwelcome.

Guess I have a death-wish. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#50348 - 12/31/17 01:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
My wife says she can't stand back seat drivers. grin

Then as soon as she gets in my truck, It's straight off with my country & western music, then wind your window up, I'm getting a draft, slow down your over the speed limit.
And that's just getting warmed up.

Then gets cranky when I say iff you don't shut up I'll put you out and make you bloody walk home. laugh

_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50349 - 12/31/17 09:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Happy Birthday Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3985
Loc: S/W Missouri
At least she's not a Nerd! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50356 - 01/01/18 01:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
Dr. Bumbutu

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.’

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ‘ Are you a patient of Dr.Bumbutu?’

Yes I am ... How did you know?’

He winked and whispered, ‘ Hickory dickory dock’...
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50357 - 01/01/18 02:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “ I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”

“Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “ I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean...” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

“You’ve built a Golf Course too?”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50360 - 01/03/18 01:47 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Happy Birthday Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3985
Loc: S/W Missouri
He has been on that island WAY too long!!! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50361 - 01/03/18 11:26 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
...can't say much about his hobbies either. smile
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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