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#50280 - 12/17/17 12:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me There was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards Was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I Immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
Voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
The best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
Of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug it disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (you see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy Is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I SUGGESTED SCIENTIFICALLY.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not In labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just The way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this

'So, Ernie's just just . . . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman i married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#50281 - 12/17/17 01:08 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
LOL laugh
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50282 - 12/17/17 01:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.”

And they do so.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”

The Sister Responds “Well ... there was this one time ... that I kinda sorta ... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...”

St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”

“Well ... There was this one time ... that I held one for a moment...”

“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!

St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”

Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50283 - 12/17/17 01:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

“Why is he so inexpensive?” she asked the store clerk.

The clerk said, “Well, it’s a beautiful bird, and very smart, but it used to live in a bordello, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird’s cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked, but laughed and thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Frank came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Frank.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50284 - 12/17/17 01:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
THE PHONE CALL
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

‘Hello?’
‘Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?’

‘No, Daddy.
She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’
‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now... ‘

Brief Pause.
‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’

‘Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
‘I did it, Daddy.’
‘And what happened, honey?’

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed
with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn’t moving at all!’
‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’
‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too...
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,

‘Swimming pool?...

Is this 486-5731?’

No, I think you have the wrong number...
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50289 - 12/18/17 03:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3918
Loc: S/W Missouri
All good ones!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50294 - 12/19/17 12:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Hi Frank..... smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#50295 - 12/19/17 03:08 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
A drunk was at a cocktail party, goes up to the hostess and slurs “Do lemons have feathers?” She asks, “I beg your pardon.” He repeats, “Do lemons have feathers?” She replies, “No, I don’t think so.” He says, “Well in that case, I’ve just squeezed your canary into my drink.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50296 - 12/19/17 03:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.

“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “Before you talk to me about Diogenes let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates, “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?”

“No, on the contrary...”

“So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?”

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50298 - 12/19/17 03:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
A couple was having dinner in a posh restaurant, enjoying an exquisite meal. As they were eating the main course, a beautiful redhead sauntered to the table, leaned in a whispered something in the husband’s ear, giggled and then trailed her hand across his face and neck as she swayed away.

The wife hisses, “Just who was that?”

The husband replied, “My mistress.”

“You bastard. I’m going to divorce you.”

“As you wish, dear. But I have great lawyers. You’ll do OK but you won’t be living in the Palm Beach waterfront mansion or in the mountain estate. You won’t be riding in the chauffeured limousine or in your new Mercedes sports car and you certainly will not have access to the Gulfstream 650 or to the American Express black card.”

The wife settled back as the waiter cleared the entree dishes and then brought out the dessert. As they sat in silence, a familiar looking man accompanied by a young, top heavy blond walked by their table. The man nodded to the husband.

“Who is that?” asked the wife.

“Fred Goldman. And his mistress.”

The wife thought a moment and then said, “Ours is prettier.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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