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#43997 - 06/22/15 10:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Online   content
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5139
Loc: Always on the move
That last one was golden Ian!
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#43999 - 06/23/15 02:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
My doctor said, “I have some bad news and some good news.”
I said, “Okay, give me the bad news.”
He said, “Well it’s all how you regard something like this, but you show very definite signs of
homosexuality.”
I said, “Oh, come on. “What in the world is the good news?”
He said, “The good news is I think you’re cute.”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44000 - 06/23/15 02:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
Observing a light across the water, the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to
change her course ten degrees south.
The response was prompt: “Change your course ten degrees north.”
“I am a captain,” he responded testily. “Change your course ten degrees south.”
The reply: “I’m a seaman first class—change your course north.”
The captain was furious. “Change your course now. I’m on a battleship.”
“Change your course ten degrees north, sir—I’m in a lighthouse.”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44005 - 06/23/15 11:09 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Trumby
Observing a light across the water, the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to
change her course ten degrees south.
The response was prompt: &#147;Change your course ten degrees north.&#148;
&#147;I am a captain,&#148; he responded testily. &#147;Change your course ten degrees south.&#148;
The reply: &#147;I&#146;m a seaman first class&#151;change your course north.&#148;
The captain was furious. &#147;Change your course now. I&#146;m on a battleship.&#148;
&#147;Change your course ten degrees north, sir&#151;I&#146;m in a lighthouse.&#148;


This is one of my all-time favorites...

-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44007 - 06/23/15 04:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no, ' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much ... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't, ' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No, ' I said...

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44008 - 06/23/15 04:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44009 - 06/23/15 05:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
BOTH Great!!!

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44010 - 06/23/15 05:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
An Australian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,"Manicures, $20.00."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit ... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44018 - 06/23/15 09:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Online   content
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5139
Loc: Always on the move
I'm laughing and cringing at the same time Ian!
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44019 - 06/23/15 09:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
I'm laughing and cringing at the same time Ian!


Yeah, it does make the eyes water. grin
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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