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#50364 - 01/03/18 05:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5973
Loc: NSW
lol.
My only go at golf was a disaster, I found out that I'd hired a set of right hand golf sticks and I was a lefty. grin

Gave up after that!
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50365 - 01/05/18 12:53 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3802
Loc: S/W Missouri
The only time I went golfing was with some sales folks I dealt with. Later in the club-house I was awarded the "Worst Golfer" trophy; they said I turned as red as a tomato. blush
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#50371 - 01/08/18 06:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5973
Loc: NSW
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed the telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but after a moment the dog moaned and then the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current every time the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you’d like to know.
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50373 - 01/12/18 04:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3802
Loc: S/W Missouri
What a GREAT explanation! laugh
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#50384 - 01/15/18 03:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5973
Loc: NSW
NEW ALPHABET

A is for apple,
and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I’ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more,
and nothing but Happiness comes through your door.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50392 - 01/17/18 02:26 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3802
Loc: S/W Missouri
It's all uphill now! laugh
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#50393 - 01/18/18 12:53 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5973
Loc: NSW
This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.? Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.

The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.

Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, ‘Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there’s the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!’
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50394 - 01/18/18 01:07 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5973
Loc: NSW
So, this fellow bought a parrot from the pet store, and wondered why it was so cheap. The bird appeared healthy; it looked around, and seemed perfectly normal.

After a few days in his new home, the bird began to speak. “Polly want a cracker”, etcetera, you know, the usual stuff.

Time passed, and the bird began to swear. And swear, and swear. The new owner, a firefighter, was no stranger to Anglo Saxon turns of phrase, but, Lawsey! This bird knew some curses!

The firefighter tried reasoning with the bird, and, for his trouble, was invited to have carnal knowledge of a goat.

He tried yelling at the bird, and was invited to worship at the altar of the Patron Saint of Fertility. With himself.

Finally, the bird let loose with a blistering stream of invective, so loud, so profane, so scorching vulgar, that, in desperation, the firefighter seized the parrot, threw open the freezer, and tossed the squalling bird inside, slamming the door shut.

The cursing and shenanigans continued for several minutes, until, abruptly, they ended. The man waited for a few more minutes, until, concerned, he peeked into the freezer, and beheld a silent, wide eyes bird scrunched up in one corner of the freezer.

He withdrew the silent parrot, set him on his perch, and regarded the creature for a bit.

“You think that you have finished swearing around me?” he asked.

The bird nodded.

“Do you understand that I am through tolerating that sort of language? No more!”

The bird nodded.

The owner glared at the bird for a bit, until the parrot ventured, “Sir? May I ask a question?”

“Ask your question.”

The parrot hesitated, finally asking, “Sir? What exactly was it, that the turkey did?”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#50398 - 01/19/18 09:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3802
Loc: S/W Missouri
I love it! laugh laugh laugh
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#50404 - 01/21/18 04:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5973
Loc: NSW
The seven dwarves go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarves, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey Leads the pack.

“Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?”

Dopey asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”

“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...

“Dopey screwed a penguin!”...
“Dopey screwed a penguin!”...
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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