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#50129 - 11/02/17 05:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

“Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

“I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50130 - 11/02/17 05:33 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!

He yelled, “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!”

He began his series of questions:

Tower:”How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”

Aircraft:”I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!”

Tower:”Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft:”I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The peein my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50131 - 11/02/17 05:33 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
Two old guys talking.
One said to the other:
“My 69th birthday yesterday.
Wife gave me an SUV”.
Other guy:
“Wow, that’s amazing!
Imagine, an SUV!
What a great gift!”
First guy:
“Yup.
Socks,
Underwear
and
Viagra!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50133 - 11/03/17 08:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3982
Loc: S/W Missouri
That must be the fate of the old guys! laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50139 - 11/05/17 02:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
C'mon Klink

You ain't the spring chicken you think you are. smile
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#50141 - 11/05/17 03:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly.

“You’ve just made this the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting this morning, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab.
I then took off home where I found my wife in bed with another man ... and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve ... and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?” grin grin

_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50142 - 11/05/17 11:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3982
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#50144 - 11/06/17 12:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Good one...
Turned the tables on at least one Bully, even if he lied. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#50145 - 11/06/17 08:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
Surgery

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy ... Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

“I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation”!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself.”

“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And what about the third rose?” she asked.

“That’s from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#50146 - 11/06/17 09:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
Friendship among Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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