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#49940 - 08/27/17 05:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
THE CONFESSION

Hi Fred,

This is Richard next door. I have a confession to make.

I’ve been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I’m telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that’s no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a usage fee and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS

Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to reflect.

Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to ‘wife.’ Technology, hey?

Regards, Richard
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49941 - 08/27/17 06:00 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
During an interview on the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation), a former WW2 German fighter ace Adolf Galland was asked if he could relate his most intense air battle.

“Vell I was flying along in mine Messerschmitt Bf 109 at about 10,000 metres”.

The interviewer interrupted him by explaining to the viewing audience, “The Messerschmitt was a type of German fighter plane, please continue.”

“Well I looked out of mine left cockpit and saw 10 Fokkers, zen I looked out of mine right cockpit and saw another 10 Fokkers and zen I looked in mine mirror and I saw another 10 Fokkers behind me.”

Again the interviewer interrupted, fearing an outcry about ‘THAT’ word, “Viewers, just to clarify, the Fokker was another type of German fighter plane.”

“Nein, Nein,” exclamed Adolf, “These Fokkers were Spitfires.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49942 - 08/27/17 06:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Life!

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.

6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

7. I’m older and wiser now ... just looking for a woman with big tits.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49943 - 08/27/17 06:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.” “And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over???”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49947 - 08/30/17 05:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Ian, you did it again!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49948 - 09/01/17 01:46 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A woman phoned her neighbor and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49949 - 09/01/17 01:55 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” “He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?” “I’m a Lady of the Night,” she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.” “The woman says, “Ok, I’m a high-end call girl.” “No, that still won’t work. Try again.” “They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?” “Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.” The accountant says, “Chicken Farmer it is!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49950 - 09/01/17 02:03 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits...”

I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”

“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49954 - 09/07/17 07:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49963 - 09/14/17 01:01 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked them why they were arguing and the first boy said:

“We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever can tell the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves” the teacher said. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The two boys looked at each other, nodded and then gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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