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#49902 - 08/12/17 11:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Wayyyyy back at the dawn of T.V. A man walked into an agent’s office for an audition, as he had a strong desire to be an actor.

He acted, he sang, he danced, he told jokes, and did pratfalls, after which the agent said.

“You’ve got a lot of talent. Whats your name?”

“Penis Van Lesbian, Sir.”

“Excuse me? What did you say?”

“Penis Van Lesbian”

“You CAN’T have a name like THAT in show business.” The agent replied.

“Penis Van Lesbian is a long respected name where I come from, and I will NOT change it!” As he stormed out the door in a huff.

The agent soon forgot the would be actor and went on about his business. 20 years later, he recieved an envelope in the mail, containing $10,000 and a note...

The note said,

“Dear Sir,

A long time ago you gave me some advice, and to my shame I walked out on you. I soon learned that you were right, and I changed my name and actually became fairly successful.

I regret not taking your advice when offered. Since it worked well enough, I have enclosed what I believe would have been your commission.

Sincerely,

Wait for it...

Dick Van Dyke
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49903 - 08/12/17 11:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven.”

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, “I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her.” So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, “I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her.” He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, “I cheated on my wife a lot.” He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49904 - 08/12/17 11:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Phone Operator: “G’day mate ... Helpline here ... What’s the problem?”

Customer: “I’m in the Outback with the girlfriend and she’s been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!”

Australian Telephone Operator: “Bummer!”

Customer: “Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49905 - 08/12/17 11:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Disturbing Beer News.

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn’t drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49906 - 08/12/17 11:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A nun, badly needing to use to a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would go off. Each time the lights went out the place would erupt into wild cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, “may i please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “sure, but i should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “well, in that case i’ll just have to look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “sir, i don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because i went to the restroom?” “well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “would you like a drink?” “but, i still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “you see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. So how about that drink?”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49919 - 08/17/17 11:55 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
^^^ That's GREAT!!! grin grin grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49930 - 08/22/17 05:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied...

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.

She took off her blouse and bra. The doctor pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49931 - 08/22/17 05:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Ode To An Outhouse!

Thanks to the early time of summer fruit and those items wrapped in tissue paper.

A welcome substitute for the catalogue pages.

If you have never experienced this piece of rural architecture, you won’t understand.

The House Behind The House

One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore Was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o’er the door.

‘Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn’t be there, If you didn’t have to go.

Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for everyone. You left there feeling better, After your job was done.

You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Eaton’s catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. T’was then with much reluctance, To that little house you’d go.

With a swish you’d clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You’d shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol’ Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer.

‘Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He’d just cleaned up the mess he’d made With rags and gasoline.

He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He’d eventually rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet.

He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door.

He lit the pipe and sure enough, It soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol’ Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground.

The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.

We asked him what had happened, What he said I’ll ne’er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et!

Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign That read: No Smoking, Please

Now that’s the story’s end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, Because we had to go.

-------------------------- grin

For those who never had to trot out in the Cold ... Just Give Thanks!! Enjoy the memories and modern plumbing.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49932 - 08/22/17 05:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A Cup of Tea made with cold water

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.

My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49934 - 08/23/17 09:46 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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