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#49874 - 07/29/17 01:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
When a man is near the end of his life, he rests a lot, becomes very lethargic and loses all interest in sexual activity. This is the same with a woman except the changes take place earlier, usually just after the honeymoon

I saw a sign today that read: Tiredness kills, take a break. So I pulled over and went to sleep. When I woke up I felt great and was ready to drive again. I was 5 hours late for work though.

MEDICAL WARNING... ! Beware, never take any Viagra at the same time as you are taking a course of Iron Supplement Tablets. I did it once and it’s really weird. Whichever way you turn, your Dick will always point to Magnetic North.

I pulled up at the Traffic Lights next to a lovely young Blonde girl, I smiled and lowers my Window. She smiled back and lowers her Window. So I leaned across and says, “Have you just Farted as well”... ???

I realised my parents favoured my twin brother over me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49875 - 07/29/17 01:53 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news And bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love ... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry ... How soon can I go home?’
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49880 - 08/01/17 04:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster...

And he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem”

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. so, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ he gets all the geese.

Randy’s up in the pigpen.

He’s in with the cows.

Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer...”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49881 - 08/01/17 04:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells: “You stay out of this! ... I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49882 - 08/01/17 04:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him, and then says hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he says “Do you know me?”

To which she replies “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery”.

She said “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49884 - 08/02/17 02:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
We all have at least one OH $hit moments in our lives, but that would be a bad one. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49885 - 08/02/17 05:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

“Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking, but when I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there.”

“They don’t like that in heaven,” said God.

The woman replied: “They’re not too happy about it in Costco either!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49886 - 08/02/17 05:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

‘Oh please excuse me, ‘ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’ ‘That’s perfectly all right, ‘ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’ ‘Well, I really don’t know, ‘ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’ So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’ The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’ The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’ The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you have no balls ... You must be a

“POLITICIAN”
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49899 - 08/12/17 09:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
AMEN!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49901 - 08/12/17 11:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A GREAT HUNT Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Getting’ old is so much fun ... Remember: Don’t make old people mad! We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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