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#49837 - 07/04/17 08:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A mate of mine has two tickets for the NRL Grand Final.

The offer includes box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn’t realise when he bought them, that the game is on the same day as his wedding - so he can’t go.

If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St Peter’s Church in Osborne Pk. Perth. Her name’s Louise.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49838 - 07/04/17 08:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A kindergarten told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked.

Because I just pissed in its ear and it didn’t move, answered the child innocently.

“You did what?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “ you know,” explained the boy “I leaned over and went pssst into its ear and it didn’t move.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49839 - 07/04/17 08:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation ... She never got your email!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49840 - 07/04/17 08:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs for breakfast? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?”

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe rotisserie chicken or a tasty stir fry?”

He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra ... I’m still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49857 - 07/21/17 11:00 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Now THERE is a happy fellow! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49863 - 07/22/17 05:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu...

After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The flight attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink.

The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink

He replied in disgust... “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The old Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

“Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49864 - 07/22/17 05:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
The descriptions are called Deginitions

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other.

MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement
Wherein
A man loses his bachelor’s degree
And a woman gains her masters.

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece.

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will-power is
Defeated by feminine water-power.

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read.

SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight.

OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life.

YAWN:
The only time
When some married men
Ever get to open
Their mouths.

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes.

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip.

OPTIMIST:
A person
Who while falling
From the EIFFEL TOWER
Says midway
“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!”

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH.

FATHER:
A banker
Provided by
Nature.

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early.

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later.

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
With pills,
And then kills you
By his bills.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49871 - 07/28/17 04:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
All so true! laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49872 - 07/29/17 01:35 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
I was standing at the bar of Terminal C at Toronto Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, I don’t. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”

“No”, I said, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little prick.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49873 - 07/29/17 01:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

“I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said,

“No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said,

“No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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