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#49809 - 06/18/17 05:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’ The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’ The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.’ The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’ The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’ The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49810 - 06/18/17 05:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company ... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick, ‘ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet...

‘Who are you?’ he asked him... ‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, ‘ said the exterminator. ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked... ‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths, ‘ the man replied. ‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49811 - 06/18/17 06:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Curt Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/14
Posts: 57
Loc: Mackay, Queensland, Australia.
G'day Curt, great to see you back in here.

That one was a little rough mate. grin
Ian.
_________________________
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. (Napoleon Bonaparte)

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#49814 - 06/21/17 12:36 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Senor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.”

SILENCE…

LONG SILENCE…

VERY LONG SILENCE.

“Ernesto… if you scratched that shotgun, you’re in deep sh*t.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#49817 - 06/21/17 05:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49820 - 06/23/17 12:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
OUCH! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49828 - 06/29/17 05:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49829 - 06/29/17 07:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
Good joke, but EXCELLENT sig line Ian! grin
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49831 - 06/29/17 09:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
Yeah, I'm thinking it fits me to a Tee. grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49833 - 07/02/17 01:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
I think it fits just about ALL of us! crazy
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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