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#49791 - 06/10/17 12:02 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Golf over a lifetime

Two guys grow up together. After college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Viera and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got the gals with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs...”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got cold beer, and the big screen TVs, and everybody has a little action on the games.”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

“OK.”

At age 60 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price.”

“OK”

At age 70 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

“OK.”

At age 80 they play

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“We’ve never been there before!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49792 - 06/10/17 03:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
You and Carl are getting closer Ian! whistle................ grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49793 - 06/11/17 03:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
...and when I croak, Ian will catch-up. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49794 - 06/11/17 05:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Private Klink]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Originally Posted By: Private Klink
You and Carl are getting closer Ian! whistle................ grin


My missus reckons I'm already there. grin
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49795 - 06/11/17 05:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, Sonny?”

The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“Wheeewee ... that’s a lot of money,” says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the banker proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right ... but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly ... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

“What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari red lines and there’s nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers with his dying breath... “Unhook ... my ... suspenders ... from ... your ... side view mirror.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49796 - 06/11/17 05:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49797 - 06/11/17 06:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered “who ties your shoelaces for you”.

Be careful when you follow the masses ... sometimes the M is silent!

I am not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing. Work fascinates me; I could sit and watch it for hours.

When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead, it’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you are stupid.

Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

I speak my mind, because it hurts like hell to bite my tongue all the time.

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude ... my personality is “WHO I am.” my attitude depends on “who you are!”

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around and realize maybe I already am.

Remember to set your scale back 10 pounds this week.

I am not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes time to think.

I am one step away from being rich; all I need now is money.

Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49800 - 06/12/17 10:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
OLD AGE...

This is what all of you 70+ years old, and yet-to-be senior citizens, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn’t arrived, so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine; he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49804 - 06/14/17 08:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Sounds familiar. frown

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49808 - 06/18/17 04:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’ The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’ The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that ... You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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