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#49699 - 05/08/17 04:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
An elderly Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49700 - 05/08/17 04:20 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
This little boy’s mother was having a ladies group meeting and was making tapioca pudding when the phone rang. She left the kitchen to answer it, and her little boy came in to get some BB’s for his gun. He reached up in the cabinet for them, the lid came off, and some BB’s fell into the tapioca. He heard his mother coming back, so he quickly stirred the BB’s into the pudding and ran back outside.

The next morning one of the ladies called to find out how she made the pudding. She said, “You should know. I got the recipe from you. Why do you ask?” The woman said, “Well, I bent over to pet the cat this morning and shot the canary!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49701 - 05/08/17 04:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49702 - 05/08/17 04:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father, without the need for any physical connection.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. They arrived home to find the mailman dead on the front porch.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49710 - 05/12/17 02:19 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49715 - 05/15/17 03:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A drunk man who smelled like a barrel of stale beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.” The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49716 - 05/15/17 03:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
Three women -- Betty Boobs, Lucy Legs, and Nellie Knickers -- meet at an old high-school reunion. They soon start gossiping about the men they have married, and what they are like in bed.

“My husband, Bob,” says Betty Boobs, “is like a 1989 Rolls Royce -- comfortable, sizeable, powerful, and very satisfying!”

“My husband, Larry,” says Lucy Legs, “is like a 1970 Cadillac -- still fairly comfortable and satisfying, but lacks performance sometimes. Generally, quite a good ride.”

“Hmm, my husband, Norbert,” says Nellie Knickers, “is like a vintage Model-T Ford.

“Really?” say the other two, staring at Nellie in amazement. “Why do you say that?”

“Well,” continues Nellie, “what I mean is -- he manages to rally twice a year, but he has to be started by hand!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49717 - 05/15/17 03:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple’s house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen. The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, “Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I’d highly recommend.” The other man says, “What’s the name of the restaurant?” The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, “Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?” His friend replies, “A carnation?” “No, no. The other one,” the man says. His friend suggests, “The poppy?” “No, no, no,” growls the man. “You know--the one that is red and has thorns.” His friend says, “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes! Thank you,” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

-----

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She asked, “What happened to beautiful?” The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

------

A couple went on vacation. The second evening, the wife cries out to her husband, “Look out of the window. You can see a gazelle there.” The husband replies, “Dear, first of all, it’s not a gazelle, it’s a cow. And secondly, it’s not a window, it’s a mirror.”

------

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, “what did you learn today?” He answered, “The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt.” “How?” The boy said “Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross.” The father was shocked. “Is that what the Rabbi taught you?” The boy replied, “No. But you’d never believe the story he DID tell us!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49744 - 05/24/17 02:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

...about my speed, alright ;(

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49755 - 05/31/17 03:30 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
I guess I'm lucky; my wife rarely wants to go to a restaurant and prefers dining at home. Such a cheap date...I love that gal! grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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