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#49576 - 04/10/17 07:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Both good ones smile

-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49577 - 04/11/17 04:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same--rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about a half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came over the intercom: “Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of the trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami.”

After a short pause and several clicks... “Geez, what a bitchin’ ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now.”

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49578 - 04/11/17 04:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn’t play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49579 - 04/11/17 05:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian named “Little Feather” came along on horseback and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse, and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes Little Feather would let out a “Yeeee-Haaaa” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding Hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Yeeee-Haaaa!” and rode off.

“What on earth did you say to Little Feather to get him so excited”... ?? asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing,” the woman answered. “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the Saddle Horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

The attendant laughed and shook his head. “Lady,” he said, “Little Feather doesn’t use a Saddle”.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49580 - 04/11/17 05:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49582 - 04/12/17 07:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
More of the same.
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49590 - 04/14/17 08:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Those had my wife and I both laughing! laugh
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#49593 - 04/15/17 03:30 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Yeah, that last one had me chuckling. grin
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49594 - 04/15/17 04:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49595 - 04/15/17 05:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work, not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn’t need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it ... I’m just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone’s ‘duds’.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
And we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown...
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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