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#49433 - 03/11/17 04:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morningtil night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot. One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’ ‘And what about the men?’ the minister asked. ‘They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49434 - 03/11/17 04:02 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you, ‘ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying bastard!

You’ve been playing golf!’
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The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife:

‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
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The 3rd Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry, ‘ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you, ‘ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue, ‘ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here, ‘ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
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The 4th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel, ‘ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
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The 5th Affair

A husband asked his wife in his late days: ‘Have you slept with a lot of men?’

‘I have only slept with you’, she answered, ‘and was right awake with all the others’.
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The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No, ‘ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know, ‘ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49435 - 03/11/17 04:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What the hell was that for?”

“Your horse called.” she replied!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49444 - 03/12/17 10:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this VEET as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...

Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, took the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49445 - 03/12/17 10:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied...

‘Well, strip down to your waist, ‘ the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

I know, ‘ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,

But I’m glad I came”.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49446 - 03/12/17 10:36 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Fred replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49447 - 03/14/17 01:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
YIKES! eek................................................ laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49455 - 03/14/17 04:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
There's a chance for us oldies yet! grin

A retiree arrives at the clinic for his annual physical. When he checks in, he learns that the physician that had been treating him for many years had been called away for a personal emergency. The clinic assigned a young doctor who had just joined the practice to conduct the physical.

When the old man goes in to see the doctor, the young doctor greets him with “Hello Mr. Smith. How can I help you? What is your complaint?”

The old man replies, “I have no complaint. I am in excellent health. I am here for my annual physical.”

The young doctor apologizes saying, “I did not intend to insult you, sir. It is just that most of my patients your age have some problems to be treated.”

The old man reiterates his assertion regarding his good health and the doctor tells him that he will conduct the physical exam after completing a medical history check list. The doctor reads the questions on the history form and checks the answers until about the middle of the form. At that point the young doctor asks the old man,

“Tell me, how old was your father when he died?”

The old man answers, “I did not tell you that my father had passed away. He is 96 years old and in excellent health just as I am.”

The young doctor is flustered and responds, “I am sorry; I did not mean to insult your father. It is just that most of my patients your age have already lost their parents.”

“I am happy to tell you that my father is doing very well,” said the old man.

“Excellent!” said the young doctor, “But in that case how old was your grandfather when he died?”

The old man replied, “I did not tell you that my grandfather had died. He is in excellent health just as my father and I are. As a matter of fact, just last week he married a young woman 25 years old.”

With this reply the young doctor has had it. He throws his hands in the air and exclaims loudly,

“Why on earth would a man that old want to marry a woman that young?”

The old man replies with a grin, “I didn’t tell you that my grandfather wanted to get married.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49456 - 03/15/17 04:50 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
That's the Spirit! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49478 - 03/18/17 03:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And let’s just say that she was extremely pissed off!

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!” And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute, Love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “But they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” And so the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid that you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.”

“Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.”

“I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair of the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and she turned to me with tears in her eyes as I walked her to the door, and said ‘Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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