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#49374 - 03/02/17 01:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3667
Loc: S/W Missouri
Ian, you crack me up!!! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49375 - 03/02/17 03:20 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A man decided to go hunting for the first time. He went to a gun shop, bought a large, expensive rifle and headed into the deep woods. After hours of fruitless searching, the would-be hunter spotted a massive, black bear sitting in the entrance to a small cave. As quietly as possible, he stalked up to the mouth of the cave and began firing repeatedly into the darkness. Eventually, the hunter used up his stock of ammunition, and cautiously entered, the cave to see the fruits of his effort. However, there was no sign of the bear. Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around to see the bear towering over him.

“Now, the way I see it there are two possible courses of action here,” smirked the bear, “One, I tear you into small pieces and eat you ... or two, you get down on your knees and bend over that big rock.” Reluctantly, the hunter chose the latter option. Spluttering, he drove back to town and burst into the gun shop. “I want a bigger gun!” he demanded. So saying, he returned to the cave carrying a spanking new AK-47 and began releasing volley after volley into the cave entrance. Eventually, the smoke cleared and he tentatively gazed inside. No sign of the bear. TAP, TAP, TAP... “You know the routine.” said the bear smugly, pointing to the rock. “GRENADES!” bellowed the hunter, bursting into the gun shop, “I WANT GRENADES!!” Armed to the teeth, the furious hunter returned to the cave, and began wildly lobbing grenade after grenade inside. The massive explosions left the cave a smoking pile of rubble. The hunter began sifting through the debris. No sign of the bear. TAP, TAP, TAP ... Grinning smugly the bear put his arm around the man and said, “You’re not in this for the hunting, are you?”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49376 - 03/02/17 03:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?” Most of the hands go up. “And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands stay up. “OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?” Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd. “Gosh, that’s pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?” One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. “Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had sexual contact with a ghost?”

The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said ‘goat’.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49377 - 03/02/17 03:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him:”I’ve got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said,”and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion!!!
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49384 - 03/04/17 12:24 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3667
Loc: S/W Missouri
Right on! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49394 - 03/04/17 05:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
I also liked the one about the fella being a tail gunner on the back of the Coca Cola truck. grin
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49395 - 03/04/17 05:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in RETIREMENT...

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

On all your cheque stubs, write, “For Sexual Favors”

Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

Sing along at The Opera.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go... ‘

Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49396 - 03/04/17 07:56 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Ian-

I love it!!!
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49399 - 03/05/17 02:24 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3667
Loc: S/W Missouri
Amen!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49412 - 03/08/17 05:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Volunteer Fire Brigade

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the Goddamned brakes fixed on our fire truck.
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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