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#49328 - 02/26/17 07:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
^^LMAO^^ grin


Two old girls were discussing their husbands over lunch.

“I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.”

My Fred used to do the same thing,” the other woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.”

“Really, how?” asked the first woman.

“Easy, I hid his teeth.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49330 - 02/27/17 12:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Heard a good one today:

"Don't get confused between my personality and my attitude.
My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are."

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49331 - 02/27/17 08:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Words of wisdom. wink
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49334 - 02/28/17 06:30 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
I just discovered my age group! I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49335 - 02/28/17 06:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 15 ft.

“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49336 - 02/28/17 06:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Two men are sitting at the bar in a Las Vegas casino. One turns to the other and says “ I love this weather. I’m tired of the cold and snow”.

The second asks “where are you from?”

The first says “Michigan. You?”

“I’m from Miami. You ought to move there. The weather is beautiful year round.”

“Miami? With all that crime?”

Nah, it really is quite nice”.

“I’ve seen all the drug stories, the gangs, the illegal immigrants and their violence on tv.”

“Overblown sensationalism!”

“Well, what do you do in Miami?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Coca Cola truck.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49337 - 02/28/17 07:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Pat & Mike were the best of friends, though they weren’t much alike. Pat was a good man, a hard worker, and even treated his wife well. Mike, now--he skived off work anytime he could, spent what money he had down the pub, and chased the skirts shamelessly.

It came to them, as to all of us, that they passed on. Pat, of course, went to Heaven, and Mike ... well, he went to the other place. After a couple quick millenia, Pat found out that he could visit his old pal, so off he went. The imp at the gate admitted him and told him to wait right there and Mike would be along.

Fairly soon a shining Caddy convertible pulls up, driven by a chauffeur, and there’s Mike in back with a lovely blonde on one knee, and a booze-jug on the other.

Pat goes off: “Mike, what gives? I’ve been in heaven these two thousand years, being rewarded for the honorable life I led, and you supposedly are bein’ punished for all your wenching, drinkin’ and gambling. Yet here you are in a limo with a blonde on one knee and a jug o’ booze on t’other. Tell me straight up, boyo, what’s up here?”

Mike shakes his head a little, and sez, “Pat me bhoy, it’s a sad tale I have to tell ya. The bottle has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn’t. If that ain’t Hell, I dunno what is.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49338 - 02/28/17 07:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of women? “God said, “Ah, yes. “ “Well, “ said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.”

God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... “ God said to Arthur.

“But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49339 - 02/28/17 07:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A woman was enjoying a good game of Golf with her girlfriends.

“Oh, NO... !” she suddenly exclaimed.

“Look at the time... ! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.

He’ll be so annoyed if it’s not ready on time.”

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of Cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of Cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

“Darling, this is the best dinner you’ve made me in 40 years of marriage... ! You can make this for me any day.”

Needless to say, every Golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her Golf partners about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him... !” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, “You killed him... !

We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in... !

How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was trying to lick his arse... !”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#49340 - 02/28/17 07:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off, because they were unable to see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decided to find a solution. “Honey,” she signed. “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For example, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times.”.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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