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#49247 - 02/07/17 03:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Today has not been a good day. I decided to go horse riding, something I haven’t done in many years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then it went a little faster; before I knew it, it was going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn’t take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn’t stop. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us Peter came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn’t attempt to ride the Elephant.
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49248 - 02/07/17 04:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder,

the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker,

the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49252 - 02/09/17 01:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
50 Shades of Grey for Seniors

Back and forth...
Back and forth...
In and out...
In and out...
A little to the right...
A little to the left...

She could feel the sweat on her forehead...
Between her breasts...
And, trickling down the small of her back...
She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy...
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved...
Forwards then backwards...
Forward then backward...
Again...
and again...

Her heart was pounding now...
Her face was flushed...
She moaned...
softly at first, then began to groan louder...

Finally...
totally exhausted...
she let out a piercing scream...

“OK, OK, you smug bastard,
I can’t parallel park. You do it!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49253 - 02/09/17 06:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A woman marries a man and has 10 children.
The man dies, so the woman remarried and has 10 more children.

The next man dies so the woman remarried again and has ten more children.

That man dies so the woman remarried and has 10 more children.

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, “Good god! They’re finally together!”

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs…”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#49259 - 02/11/17 03:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A hillbilly wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree.
For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on “Happy Times.”

He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sitting on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview.

The new journalist says “Tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies “One time my neighbor lost his sheep in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found it, we all took turns on it”.

The journalist was like I can’t write that, “Tell me another happy story”.

The old man replies again “One time my neighbor lost his daughter in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found her we all took turns on her”.

The journalist thought this story was worse and decided to use some reverse psychology and says “Tell me a story on sad times”.

The old man looks down real sad and says “I got lost once”.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#49262 - 02/12/17 12:41 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Sounds like they were in Arkansas! laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49264 - 02/12/17 03:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

The boy said, “Yes, she did.”

“Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#49265 - 02/12/17 03:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49266 - 02/12/17 04:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for BWI Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#49278 - 02/17/17 03:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A lady failed the written driver’s license test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.

But the test had the same question:

“You are driving at 120 mph. On your right is a wall. On your left is a cliff. On the road in front of you, you see a old man and a young man. What should you hit?”

The woman walked up to the Examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question in all four possible ways; - wall, cliff, young man, old man - yet I failed the test all four times!! How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?”

The Examiner said, “The brakes.”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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