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#49222 - 02/01/17 07:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#49223 - 02/01/17 09:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
I was after a job on a local farm and I thought if I took his disabled daughter out on a date, I’d stand a better chance of getting the job. I asked the farmer if that would be OK and he said as long as she was up for it, which she was, then it was fine with him. As she was in a wheel-chair, I borrowed my dad’s estate car and off we went. We had a great night out and although she was very good looking, I didn’t think that it would go any further because of her disability. We left the club and as I settled into my seat after putting her wheelchair in the back, she leaned over and kissed me grabbing my crotch at the same time. “Do you fancy a bit of the other?” She asked. As I said, she was very attractive and I would have been mad to say no but I was unsure how this would work out. I told her that I didn’t know how we could do it but she told me to drive to a field by her house and park up in the gate way. This I did then she told me to carry her into the field where I would find a tree with a “Y” in the lower branches and I could place her there and have my way with her from behind. This I did and spent the next hour having a great old time. Afterwards, I lifted her down, put her back in the car and drove her home. I pulled up at the front door and the farmer came rushing out and, grabbing me by the shoulders, gave me a big hug and thanked me for bringing her home safe. I explained that I was a gentleman and what else could I have done? To which he informed me that “Everyone else, always leaves her hanging in the tree!”
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49224 - 02/01/17 09:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute, ‘ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did, ‘ and held up my thumb to show her.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49225 - 02/01/17 09:36 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”


Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.


Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school)was not defaced by our scribblings.Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.


We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.


Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts-- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.


Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.


We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.



Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?


We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off ... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49228 - 02/04/17 12:19 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
So true...all the way around! smirk
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#49229 - 02/04/17 01:38 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
1. -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

2. -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

4. -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

5. -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. -That's enough, Nickelback.

7. -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

8. -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9. -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix
10.the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

11.-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

12.-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

13.-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

14.-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

15.-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

16.I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

17.-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

18.A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

19.Was learning cursive really necessary?

20.Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

21.I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

22.Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

23.My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

24.Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

25.How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

26.I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

27.Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

28.-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

29.While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

30.MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

31.Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

32.I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

33.-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

34.I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

35.-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

36.Bad decisions make good stories

37.-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

38.Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

39.-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

40.-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

41.-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

42.-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

43.-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

44.-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

45."Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

46.-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

47.-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

48.I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

49.-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

50.-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

51.-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

52.As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

53.-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

54.-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

55.-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

56.-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57.-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58.-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59.-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60.-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61.-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62.-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63.-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
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Old School Swamp Rat

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#49230 - 02/04/17 03:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
The Princess Royal was invited to inspect a regiment of SAS. She was asked if the men could show her how tough and well trained they were by parading on the coldest day naked except for their weapons.

She had no objections to this, so a day was arranged and the inspection started.

Before, though, the commanding officer told her that she could pick any soldier and subject him to a test of his training.

As she walked along the front rank she suddenly jumped on one soldier ‘s bare feet with all her weight, only a slight flicker crossed his face.

“Did that hurt you, soldier?” She queried.

“No, Mam” he replied.

“And why not?” She asked.

“Because I’m an SAS soldier and trained to take pain, Mam”.

Very good, she thought and continued with the inspection.

She then asked the commander if she could borrow his swagger stick, then used it to hit another soldier across the tops of his thighs as hard as she could.

Again she asked “Did that hurt you?”

“No, Mam, I’m a trained SAS soldier and I can withstand pain “.

She was about to return the swagger stick when she spotted an erect penis further down the line of soldiers, she moved forward quickly and brought the stick down on it with all her strength. Not a flicker of pain showed on the soldiers face.

“Didn’t that hurt you at all?” Asked the amazed Princess.

“Not at all, Mam, not a bit.”

“And why not?”

“Because it belongs to the soldier in the rank behind me.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49237 - 02/05/17 01:50 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Now that's FUNNY!!! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49245 - 02/07/17 09:51 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man, “What have you got there?”
Said the Pie Man unto Simon, “Pies, you dumb ass!”

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King’s horses and all the Kings’ men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey Diddle, Diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Once kissed the girls and made them cry.
But now that Georgie can’t stand noise
Georgie Porgy’s kissing boys.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad………
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she qualified for public assistance and food stamps.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over a candlestick.
Goodness, gracious, Great Balls of Fire.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one stupid goddamn eggplant.

Hickory dickory doc,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck One,
The other two escaped with minor injuries.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#49246 - 02/07/17 09:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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