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#49158 - 01/19/17 02:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
It was Saturday morning and the congregation was gathered for the Sabbath prayers. Suddenly, up front there’s a flash of light and in a blast of fire and brimstone and who should appear, but Satan himself.

In a mass exodus, the congregation flees, except for one man who remained seated, gazing at Satan with a mildly interested expression. Satan is annoyed that this guy didn’t try to run, so he goes up to him and angrily says, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” The man calmly replies, “Yes I do”.

Satan is perplexed. “And you’re not afraid of me?”

He replies, “No, of course not.”

Satan is totally nonplussed... “And why not?” he asks.

The guy replies, “Why should I be? I married your sister.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49159 - 01/19/17 04:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
ThatGuyCF Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/16
Posts: 35
Loc: Virginia
A couple was driving along the road on a rainy night when they saw a baby skunk sitting next to its dead mother.
The wife said, "Pull over honey, we have to help that baby skunk!"
The husband pulled over and they picked up the baby skunk and the wife wrapped it up in a blanket to dry it off and placed it in her lap to warm it up, and they continued on their way.
The wife, not quite realizing what they had just done, asked her husband, "Wait...how will we keep the stink down?"
To which the husband replied, "Hold his nose".

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#49170 - 01/22/17 11:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: “Yes, I can put you right.”

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells: “You bastard, you gave me a woman’s ears.”

“Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man’s or a woman’s.”

“You’re wrong, I hear everything, but I don’t understand a thing!”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#49172 - 01/22/17 11:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered…

1. I started out with nothing … I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

10. Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

13. It’s not the pace of life that concerns me; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

14. It’s hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven’t been anywhere.

15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

16. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#49173 - 01/23/17 01:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
All too true, DB, All too true.
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49176 - 01/23/17 06:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Originally Posted By: Carl Theile
All too true, DB, All too true.

Especially when it comes to torching the toes. smile
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49178 - 01/24/17 12:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Still beats the alternative. wink
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49183 - 01/24/17 03:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Confucius Say:
1 OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.
2 Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.
3 Better to lose a lover than love a loser.
4 Man with broken condom often called Daddy Drunken man’s words often sober man’s thoughts.
5 Marriage is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
6 Viagra just like Disneyland ... One hour wait for 2-minute ride.
7 Joke is just like sex. Neither any good if you don’t get it.
8 Man who live in Glass House should change clothes in basement.
9 Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
10 Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
11 Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
12 Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
13 Lady who goes camping must be aware of evil intent.
14 Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
15 “A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”
16 Finally CONFUCIUS SAY ... Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49184 - 01/24/17 03:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#49185 - 01/24/17 03:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A Woman comes in to see the Dr ... She tells him that she has been putting the suppositories where she goes to poop, but her hemorrhoids have not gotten any better. “I could have shoved those suppositories up my ass for all the good they have done me.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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