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#48867 - 11/24/16 09:00 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
How To Cook A Turkey:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48870 - 11/24/16 03:20 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘ When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost $1.00 a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’

The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’

The brunette explains, ‘My sister is a blonde. The word is big.

She’ll read it very slowly... ‘com-for-da-bul.’
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#48871 - 11/24/16 03:20 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A fellow turns to his wife in bed and whispers: “Did you know that today is National Orgasm Day?” “Oh, what a pity,” she said, “Right in the middle of National Headache Week!!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#48872 - 11/24/16 03:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
Their marriage was the talk of the village; the bride was a gorgeous young thing of eighteen while the groom was ninety one!

Imagine the surprise when after just ten months the girl gave birth to a healthy nine pound baby boy.

When being interviewed for the local paper, the groom was asked how he did it.

“You just gotta keep the engine running son, that’s all. After another year the girl gave birth again in the local hospital and the old boy was asked the same question.

“Just a matter of keeping the engine running” he grinned upon which the reporter replied cheerfully.

“Well I reckon the engine needs an oil change mister, this one’s black!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#48873 - 11/24/16 03:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A man who worked for a Fire Station came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we’re ready to go on the trucks. So from now on we’re going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.

When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”

The next night he came home from work and yelled... !

“Bell 1” and his wife took off all her Clothes.

He then yelled “Bell 2” and his wife jumped into Bed.

Then he yelled “Bell 3” and they began to make mad passionate love. After 2 minutes, his wife yelled... !

“Bell 4. Bell 4... !”

The husband asked “What is this Bell 4... ???” And the wife replied “More Hose. More Hose... !!! You’re nowhere near the Fire”... ??:)
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#48874 - 11/24/16 03:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
Doctor: “What seems to be the problem today Madam”... ?? Female Patient: “Help Me Doctor, I’ve got the Farts. I mean I Fart all the time,” The Doctor nods, “Hmmm.” Female Patient: “My Farts don’t stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I Fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve Farted five times.” “Hmmm” says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The Patient is thrilled “Thank you Doctor. This prescription, will it really clear up my Farts”... ??

“No,” sighs the Doctor,.

“This Prescription is to clear up your Sinuses, it stinks like a fermented pigs diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a Hearing Test.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#48884 - 11/26/16 02:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

Youth and vigor will never win over an old man's trickery. smile
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#48892 - 11/28/16 11:48 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere

Since Thanksgiving I've been an anesthesiologist. I get to pass gas for a living.
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#48900 - 11/29/16 03:04 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#48901 - 11/30/16 12:56 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Originally Posted By: Carl Theile

Since Thanksgiving I've been an anesthesiologist. I get to pass gas for a living.


Carl, we have always known you as an old fart! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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